Astrid's expression softens, her gaze warming. "Why don't you let me give you a tarot card reading?"
“No—”
"I know, I know, it's not your thing,” she cuts me off, holding up both of her hands. “But here's why I'm asking. Tarot helps you see the things happening behind the scenes in your life, things you may not even know are holding you back or opportunities you may not even know are coming to you."
She reaches across the counter and squeezes my hand gently. "Maybe that could give you some insight into how to bring your special person into your life. And even if it's not something you can do this weekend, wouldn't knowing it's going to happen make you feel better?"
Her words hit me hard. I feel so... exposed, as if Astrid can see how lonely and desperate I really am. Because I don't just want anyone, I want my person. Someone who wants to spend time with me, go on dates with me, even if it's going to silly festivals, movie marathons, or a cozy night at home. Someone who just finds solace in the silence with me.
I want to be wanted, touched, desired. Fucked well and often by someone who actually gives a damn about my pleasure. I want someone who sees all the work I've done, and is proud of me, but would have chosen me without it.
Someone whose love is truly unconditional.
"It'll be quick," Astrid says with a soft smile. "I'll just pull three little cards."
My stomach flutters. Even though I don't truly believe in tarot, I believe in Astrid. And the thought that I could have answers, perhaps even, hope is overwhelming.
After everything she’s done for me and the ways she’s helped me heal and grow in my life... maybe it couldn’t hurt?
I take a deep breath, then nod. "I'm a little scared, but... okay."
She grabs her deck as I pull over the other chair to sit across from her.
"What question would you like to ask?" she says, shuffling the cards.
Fidgeting in my seat, I play with my necklace for a moment. "I want to know if I'm finally ready to move on."
A small hint of a smile plays on Astrid's lips and when she's finished shuffling the deck, she places the cards in front of me. "Cut the cards however you'd like, and when you do, think about your question repeatedly."
I do as she instructs, moving them into three piles, then merging them back together while thinking, Am I ready to move on? Am I ready to move on? Am I ready to move on?
After I give her back the cards, she does one final shuffle before pulling out three cards and flipping them over. "This represents your past—" she points to the first card"—your present—" she points to the second"—and your future." She points to the third card, and for some reason, I can't take my eyes off it.
Astrid taps the card, drawing my attention. "The Sun card is an excellent card for your question. It represents very good things. Success, abundance, personal growth, and new beginnings." Her eyes glance over the rest of my spread but I’m called back to the winged creature on The Sun card.
She taps again, drawing my gaze up to her. "I personally believe this means you've done everything you need to do and this new love, the person who is going to see you for the amazing person you are, who will stand with you for the rest of your life, is right around the corner."
My heart stutters and I stare at her dumbfounded. Because it can't... it just can't be that easy. "Astrid, that's—no. Don't I still need to do something? Work on some part of myself? Grow? Move? Lose weight?—"
Astrid straightens, holding up a hand. "I'm going to stop you right there because I know that's the fear talking, and you're better than that."
Her reaction cuts through me and I sit up a little straighter. My cheeks flush. "You're right. I'm sorry. I know you're right... it's just?—"
"You don't have to explain, Sienna.” She squeezes my hand. “You've been through a lot. It makes sense some of your trauma is still lingering, and it's making it hard for you to believe you're worth a life of ease and love." Astrid shakes her head as her eyes bore into mine. "But what's the alternative? Struggling and being miserable forever? Is that what you want?"
The thought brings tears to my eyes, and I shake my head. "God, no."
Astrid grins. "Okay then!"
We share a soft laugh.
Astrid brushes her thumb across my knuckles. "I know, if you're willing to take a chance and believe in yourself just as much as I believe in you you’ll find the love you want because that’s what you were always destined to have. Not a life of struggle, concern, or worrying about whether you're enough. So please, don't let fear get in the way of your happiness."
The warmth of her words settles in my chest, and I have to bite my lip to keep from crying. No one has ever made me feel like I have an active choice in my own joy, in finding the love I so deeply desire.
But maybe I do... maybe that kind of love really is out there searching for someone like me. And if it is? I'll make sure I'm open to it. Because it's too precious to let slip away.
Three hours. It’s been three hours and I’m still walking.
