"What happens when you think about it that way?"
"It scares me," I said quietly.
"It won't always." Her voice was gentle, yet firm.
Her reassurance felt like a warm blanket of energy that wrapped around me and settled into my bones. If I could have, I would have buried myself in it. But I wasn't out of the woods yet.
"I want to tell Marco how I feel. But if this is going to be my reaction..."
"How will you know if you don't try, though?"
I bit my lip. I wanted to try. I didn't want to have any regrets and not confess my feelings to him, but I also didn't want to make a mistake.
I tapped my pen against my desk, hitting it harder, faster, until finally I stopped and whispered, "How did you know you loved Luke?"
Jo shifted, and it sounded like she was getting more comfortable. "Our relationship was… complicated. I knew he was the one for me immediately. But, unfortunately, there were a lot of things going on that prevented us from being together. I could have,shouldhave, asked him for help, but instead I decided to push him away, thinking that would be better for the both of us."
That’s almost like what I tried to do with Marco.
"As you can guess, that didn't really work out." A soft smile crept into her voice. "As things settled down, and I got to know Luke, I grew to love him even more. He's wild. He makes me laugh. He's so kind and generous. He teaches me how to be a better person, how to live life in a way where every day is fun and enjoyable. I want to know more about him, learn more, grow more with him. My life wouldn't be the same without him in it."
I fiddled with the pen again. Her words made so much sense to me. They were exactly how I felt about Marco, but I was scared of being wrong, of leading him on somehow, or getting his hopes up and letting him down in the future.
I'd never known two people who were so deeply in love before, not until I'd met Jo and Luke. Anyone who sat down in a room with them for all of five seconds could see just how much they loved one another. It was written all over them. But was that how Marco and I appeared to other people? Was I too closed off to show that to him? Did that side of me even truly exist?
When I was a little girl, I dreamed of falling in love with my fairytale prince. When my father beat me, I hoped that prince would save me one day, make me feel loved and wanted. But I wasn't a child anymore, and those dreams had long since disappeared, taking the belief that I could be loved or give love with them.
"Did you ask me how I knew I loved Luke, because you think you might love Marco?"
"I-I want to, I hope I do, I'm just not sure. I never imagined myself trusting anyone, especially not a man, for the rest of my life. But he came and he just… never left.
"He was so persistent." I chuckled. "He pushed me to let him in, consider more, want more for myself and my life. And even though I tried not to, eventually I just couldn't imagine a second without him. But is that enough? Is that love?"
"I think love has certain similarities, but that every relationship has its own facets. But when it comes to you and Marco, I can say without a fraction of a doubt that you love him."
My eyes widened. "Really?"
Jo giggled. "Yes. When you talk about him, your tone softens. You laugh and smile more. You're warmer, serene even. There's a fire in you and he's the only one who ignites it."
I love him? Really? Truly?
My heart beat faster, but not in fear. I was overwhelmed with joy, with the possibility that I’d finally found something I thought I’d lost. That maybe, just maybe, the life I’d always longed for was right at my fingertips.
“I know it’s scary. It’s terrifying to let someone in your heart, to love someone, especially when you’ve gone through unimaginable suffering. But don’t let that fear block what could be the best thing that has ever happened in your life.”
I clutched my chest, felt the excitement and happiness flooding my veins. It was exhilarating. Marco was my person,mine. And if I believed that to be true, if I meant it when I promised him I’d never let him go again, then I could find a way to tell and show him I loved him today.
“I won’t,” I whispered, my voice full of fierce determination. “I won’t let anything get in my way, not even myself.”
20
Catalina
Ipressed the button for the elevator. This was the first time I’d ever been to Marco’s house, any of them. We’d decided it was best I come stay with him, as he’d been basically living at my house for multiple weeks now.
He slept over every night. We ate breakfast together. He even had a toothbrush and a drawer with clothes there.
It had been a smart decision for multiple reasons.
