“I understand that. Even when you feel you’ve worked through a lot of your issues, that doesn’t mean these doubts will just magically disappear. It’s about finding coping mechanisms and leaning on people you trust to help you when you need them. Asking Oakley for help is a huge step for you,” he observes.
“I know, but what if it’s not enough?”
“I don’t think for a minute you’d let anything happen to Rina. You may be working through how to move forward with your life aftereverything you’ve been through, but even I can see with what limited information you’ve told me that you’d protect her with your life. If you think about it, it’s not so far off from your mission statement in the Marines,” he contemplates.
I sit back on my couch and think about his words. Are my doubt and hesitation because it’s Rina? Or do I feel this way because my injury dashed my dream of being career military? If I’m truthful with myself, which is the goal after all, I’d say it probably goes all the way back to my injury and not fulfilling my commitment to the Marines. If I go back further, not keeping my word, my vows, to Rina is probably the start of all this.
“How do I move past the doubt?” I ask softly.
“The short answer is you don’t, really. The long answer is you learn to take things one step at a time and focus on the facts. You don’t focus on the what-ifs or the possibility of something happening. You throw all your focus into what steps you need to take to accomplish what you need to. Lists are a great tool to stay on task. It’s simple but effective.”
“A list?” I ask skeptically.
“Look, it doesn’t work for everything. It’s more a tool to start using so your brain starts looking at things that way, so you’re able to catastrophize less.”
“Makes sense,” I grumble.
“Listen, we’re closing in on our session, but I want you to make a list every time your mind starts to wander when you have a task. It can be anything, checking your email, making the rounds through town. Just start the habit. If you need another session before our next one, you know you can always call me and I’ll fit you in, okay?”
“Will do. Thanks, Doc. I’ll see you next time.” I shut my laptop, slumping back into my couch.
He always gives me a lot to think about, but for some reason, today feels more overwhelming than usual. Leaning forward, I grab the pen and paper I usually have out during therapy so I can write things down.
Opening a new page, I start a list before going back to the office.
Find the stalker.
I leave it blank before turning the page and starting another one.
Make things right with Rina.
Chapter 27
Rina
Was it a chickenshit move to text Oakley about the new message instead of Arlo? Absolutely. Even though I’ve told myself time and time again that I’ll pull on my big girl pants and be a grown-up who can talk to Arlo without my feelings taking over, doing so is a completely different story.
I’m still so mad at him.
But I also think I’m ready to hear him out. I kicked him out before he could tell me anything past us still being married.
He gave me the all-clear to go back to work the day after the bombshell hit. Since then, I’ve done nothing but work and sleep. By the time I call it a day, I barely have the energy to shower and change before collapsing into bed. I know this isn’t sustainable, though. Playing catch-up gave me the excuse to push everything I’m feeling to the side, and now that I’m on top of things, all I can do is think about what still being married to Arlo means.
I’m wrapping up the picnic tables, happy to have them complete and ready to be picked up once again.
I finish the stain on the kids’ table and clean up before calling it a day and heading up to my house.
Something catches my eye, and I stop in my tracks when I see a box sitting at the side door. If this was a normal delivery, it would be at my front door. Everyone, including our mailman, knows to put things at my front door, not the side door.
Tipping my head back, I blow out a steady breath, preparing myself for what I know I have to do. Pulling out my phone, I snap a picture and then pull up my messages to Arlo.
Me:
*Picture attached* I found this when I finished up work. No one I know would drop off a package to the side door.
The Liar:
Go back to your workshop and lock the door. Don’t come out until I get there and leave the package alone.
