“I want to let go of this anger. I don’t think I can ever be anything more than a friend or acquaintance to you, but I want to at least have closure.” There, quick and to the point.
I stare at him, strong and unflinching. I have no illusions about this being an easy conversation or that it’ll magically heal every single wound he’s made, but it’s a start and that’s all I can ask for.
He looks sad and accepting, all at the same time.
“Where should I start?” he says softly as he sits on the opposite edge of the couch.
“From the beginning. Things were going so well…” I trail off.
“Things were going well. And the first few major missions after basic were eye-opening. We lost good people, and I saw firsthand what the possibilities were for the loved ones of those that choose to put their lives on the line every single day.
“The mission right before … everything happened, I lost one of my best friends on my team. I called his widow, and it all crashed into me. Itwasn’t the life I wanted for you, for us. I knew that I wanted you to have everything in your life, and a dead husband wasn’t in those plans.”
“So, you made a unilateral decision for your wife instead of just talking to me? It’s not like I didn’t know what I signed up for,” I say, exasperated.
“I know that now. But at the time, it seemed like the best thing to do. I just wanted what was best for you.”
“Youwere what was best for me! How didn’t you see that?” I try to lower my volume, but it’s hard. Logically, I see where his head was at, but I don’t understand why he couldn’t just talk to me instead of thinking this was the best move.
“I just didn’t,” he says with his head bowed.
“And what happened when my parents died? You just doubled down and decided I was fine without you, so why would I need any type of support.” My tone is bitter. I can hear it, but I can’t soften it to save my life. The old hurt is flooding my veins, and I’m unprepared for how painful it is all over again.
“Rina, it’s one of my biggest regrets not being there for you when you lost them. I was lost in my own shit, and I know that’s not an excuse, but at the time, it was all I had. I wish I had done things differently.”
“You’ve had fifteen years to make things right. If you really regretted it so much, why didn’t you even try to talk to me?” I ask, hurt seeping into every word.
“I did!” He jolts up at my question and yells his response. “I did, and every single time I tried to talk to you, you either ignored me or wouldn’t hear me out. And I’m not blaming you; if the roles were reversed, I don’t think I would have heard me out either.”
I think about his words, and he’s right. I haven’t let him tell me anything since he’s been back. I just couldn’t. It was too hard. I thinkabout everything he told me, and although it doesn’t change the way I feel about how he handled things, having answers is a bit of closure I didn’t think I needed.
The one thing that still bothers me is why he came back here. He was supposed to be a career Marine, and five years in, he shows up here like nothing happened.
“What happened to make you come back here?” I impulsively ask. This isn’t something he owes me an explanation to, but it’s something I’ve wondered about more times than I’ll admit to anyone.
He heaves a sigh before he settles his elbows on his knees, with his head in his hands.
“It was supposed to be a straightforward mission. Get in, get out, come back home with the newly freed hostage, and everyone would cheer us as American heroes. Not that I gave a shit about that. I can’t tell you where we were, but I can tell you we were rappelling from a helicopter when things took a turn.” He sits stock still for a second, and I have the strongest urge to comfort him. To hold him and let him know I was an asshole for even asking. The pain is still so prevalent in his voice it makes me think he’s never dealt with this, or hell, even talked about it.
“The helo was under attack before we realized what was happening. They swung around to avoid being hit, and while it was mostly fine since everyone else on the team was already on the ground, I was still on the rope, rappelling down.”
I gasp in shock.
“I was smashed into a tree where it shattered my hip, then I rolled as the chopper shifted again and smashed my back too.”
I don’t realize I’m crying until Arlo shifts on the couch and tentatively puts an arm around me. All I can think about is the scar on his hip that Isaw not long ago. Where I once thought it was some funny or crazy story, the truth is a million times more heartbreaking. I wasn’t prepared to hear how hurt he was.
I wasn’t prepared for it to bring up all these protective feelings for him.
Chapter 15
Arlo
I made her cry.
She’s crying because she pities me and this fucking injury. This is why I’ve never told anyone, especially her. I didn’t want the tears, the looks of sadness. I wanted to pretend it never happened.
But if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that the past doesn’t stay where you want it to, especially when the woman you love asks you about it point blank.
