I nod my thanks to him, then turn my attention to Rina, who is still crouched beside me, running her hand along my thigh.
“Will you come with me?” I murmur.
“Of course.” She stands and helps me up as we head up to the apartment Oakley used to live in. It’s sparsely furnished, but there is a couch and that’s all we need. I pull Rina to it and sit down with her as I pull out my phone and dial a number I’ve never called. I’ve never had to call him outside of our video appointments, and it feels like an invasion, even though he told me to call in times just like this.
He picks up on the first ring. “Arlo? You okay?”
“Nope. I’m a whole lot of not okay right now, Doc.” Rina grasps my hand, and I give it a squeeze.
“Start from the beginning.” He doesn’t hesitate, and I have no idea if I’m interrupting him, but I get the feeling he wouldn’t tell me either way.
“I’m trying to get leads on Rina’s stalker and went to find some. When I got back from a little reconnaissance, my girlfriend informed me that she called the stalker and was meeting him on Saturday in an attempt to draw him out. I-I just panicked when she told me and had a full-on panic attack.”
“Okay. Let’s start with how you’re currently feeling. Calmer? Do you need to go to the hospital for some medication?”
“Nope. Rina talked me through my breathing, and I’m feeling okay. Not great, but better.”
“Okay, that’s good. Do you want to talk through why you had a panic attack, or do you want me to help you come down from it?”
I appreciate that he’s asking me what direction I want to go, but as I look up at Rina, concern written all over her face, I know I only have one answer.
“Why. I need to talk through the why.”
“Okay. Your girlfriend made plans behind your back and when you found out about them, you felt like you lost control of something you previously held control of.”
“It’s less about behind my back, although my … co-worker being involved and okaying it didn’t help things, and it’s more about putting herself in danger without thinking of the consequences.” I look at Rina, and I can tell she’s trying very hard not to refute.
“Good, keep digging on that line of thought.” Dr. Ames likes to leave it open-ended when we talk. I’m glad he got me started, but figuring it out on my own with little pushes from him seems to be more beneficial for me to understanding things in the long run.
“This guy is escalating, and we don’t know what his next move is. He seems impulsive and emotional, and that’s usually a terrible combination when talking about a stalker. Rina creating a plan isn’t the issue; it’s the lack of back-up and support that bothers me more. I need her safe, and rashly calling up this guy and agreeing to meet negates that. I have three days to get back-up to try to expedite a warrant because we still need that to do anything and create contingencies to keep her safe.” I sigh once all of it is out. Rina looks guilt-ridden, and as much as I want to comfort her, I need to talk through this all first. I’m glad she’s here so she can see my thought process and understand why I freaked out. But at the end ofthe day, I need to figure out how to cope with stressful situations without crumbling, and that’s the reason for the emergency therapy call.
“All appropriate reasons for your brain to go into overdrive.”
“Maybe, but a panic attack isn’t a response I can afford as sheriff. The only reason I didn’t curl up in a ball on the floor was Rina counting my breathing for me. I couldn’t even focus long enough to do it.” It was scary not being in control, and I want to learn how to avoid it if it ever happens again.
Rina’s hand slides into mine, squeezing it in silent support, and I couldn’t be more grateful for her. I know I need to apologize for yelling at her, but she’s giving me the time to sort myself out first.
“But you’ve never had a panic attack on the job before, correct?” Dr. Ames asks.
“I’ve only had one in the hospital after the accident.”
“So, what does that tell you?” he gently leads the conversation.
I look over at Rina again and know the answer. “I panicked because it’s Rina. I’m putting more weight into it when the reason I had such a strong reaction was because it puts Rina at risk.”
“Good. I don’t think you need to worry about how this affects your job.”
“Okay, but how do I ensure this doesn’t happen again?”
“You don’t. There is no way to guarantee this won’t happen again, but talking with Rina about why you reacted this way will help. Making sure you two are on the same page so she understands your feelings and concerns about her safety will ultimately be what lessens the chances of this happening again. I also think it’s a good idea to step back when you start to feel the panic rise and do your breathing to bring some clarity to your head before you start talking. When you jump in withthat initial reaction, you don’t give yourself time to process everything. You’re hyper-focused on the fear, and it’s hard to see anything past that.”
Everything he says makes sense. Will it be easy to adjust my natural inclination when it comes to Rina’s safety? No. But if I want her in my life long-term, it’s something I need to put the work into.
“Makes sense. She’s the trigger,” I murmur, still thinking about his words.
“Which makes sense when you look at the bigger picture.”
His simple statement is an epiphany. The bigger picture is keeping Rina in my life; of course, her safety is a huge trigger. I know I won’t be able to keep her in a bubble—Lord knows she would never allow that to happen—but making sure she understands my fears and concerns with her safety will allow her to help me alleviate the potential panic in the future.
