“I probably feel it more now. Is it possible to enjoy the changes I made, albeit they were drastic, but also feel like I fucked up by leaving the way I did? I mean, he’s still out there, still torturing innocent people, and Ijust … left. Because, why? I couldn’t handle it anymore? That’s not really a good enough reason.”
God, I know this is what I should be doing, but it’s like opening up a wound and letting it bleed out until you’re left as just a lukewarm body.
“Why do you think that your life is any less important than theirs? Than anyone else’s?”
“Isn’t it? I signed up for a job that was to catch the bad guys, no matter what. I was good at it and felt like that’s what I was put on Earth to do. My life, at the end of the day, is just a tool to protect the innocent.”
And I fucking ran away, so really, how good am I?
“Do you feel that you aren’t allowed to be happy?” He asks so calmly, but it blows what I know about myself wide open.
Do I feel like I’m not allowed to be happy because of what I’ve seen? Because of all the terrible shit I see people go through?
“I think…” Fuck, admitting this makes it real. Makes it so I can’t just shove it down. “I think I’m scared of being close to people because of everything I’ve seen in the Marshals. How much hurt they can cause and how fast you can lose the ones you love. It scares me to not be in control, not be able to protect someone close to me.”
“That’s a good observation. And I’d venture to say a lot of people in your old position would feel the same. It’s hard seeing the worst of people, and for people day in and day out to not be affected by it isn’t realistic. Let’s go back a little. Do you feel like going back to your old job would make you feel better?”
“Better? Hell no, but could it make me feel like I have more control? Possibly.” I lean back on my couch and stare at the ceiling.
“Control, that’s a good word choice for you. It sounds like a lot of this comes from control, or rather a lack thereof. But, I gotta tell ya, James,you can’t control everything. Trying to leads to things like obsession with catching Tennison, feeling like you’re failing no matter what you do, and falling back into old habits. Let me ask you, have you had any more panic attacks?”
Lying on the trail, talking to Woodcroft flashes in my memory.
“Yeah, I, umm, I had one about a week ago. Before that, it had been months.”
“And do you know what brought that on in particular?”
“Woodcroft. Well, not Woodcroft specifically. I was talking to him, and he updated me on some details on Tennison.”
“So, you’ve been away from the Marshals for about a year now, right?”
“Yep,” I clip.
“Do you think the right move for your life is going back? You said you enjoy the changes you made, but do you think you can be happy? Can you be truly happy with a life going back to your old position and leaving what you’ve built up there? If the answer is no, I want you to think about what would really make youhappywith your life. We only get one life, James, and everything you’ve done with the Marshals has been admirable. But there is no shame in saying you need to put yourself first for once.”
“I met someone,” I blurt out because all this talk about being happy brings only one person to mind.
“Ah, things are making a little more sense now.” I swear I can hear his smirk through the phone call.
“Being around her has brought up a lot of things I probably pushed away when I moved. It was easy to just shove all my issues to the side and work, distract myself, you know. But with Willow…” I pause, trying to decide how much information to tell him. “We have—had—funtogether. But I fucked up and took out some of this mess that is my head out on her, not physically,” I quickly add. “But I treated her— God, I treated her like shit.”
“Because you’re starting to get too close,” he observes.
“And it scares the hell out of me. What if something happens? What if lose her or can’t protect her? I don’t think I can recover from something like that,” I admit quietly.
“You can’t control everything, James. There is always a chance that bad things will happen, and that goes for every single person, not just you because of your past. I think you need to really make a conscious decision about what you want in your life, how you want your life to be. If that’s with Willow, you need to be willing to be open and communicate with her your fears and needs. If that looks like going back to the Marshals, you need to make sure you are doing it for you, not because of some sense of failure you need to correct. What is going to makeyouhappy and fulfilled?”
“You’ve given me a lot to think about.” I let out a self-deprecating laugh.
“That’s my job.” He chuckles. “But seriously. If you want to do this more regularly, if you think it helps, just call me and I’ll put you on my schedule, okay? There’s no shame in going back to therapy.”
“I will probably take you up on that,” I admit. He’s right, as hard as it is for me to admit that. Sometimes, you need more help than you can provide yourself.
“I’ll wait for your next call. It was good to hear from you, James.”
“Thanks, Doc.”
I hang up and throw my phone onto the couch. The realizations in a half an hour conversation with Dr. Ames are a lot to take in.
