He’s dead serious, and I have no answer, but my immediate reaction is a hell no.
“Nah, I got away from that life for a reason.” He doesn’t need to know how badly Alfred Tennison fucked with my head, how I felt like a failure towards the end, and how the guilt of a preventable death and so much suffering will always haunt me. He doesn’t need someone like that on his team, and I sure as hell can’t even imagine putting myself back into a law-enforcement position of any kind.
He eyes me for a second before turning and walking out without another word, leaving me rattled and pissed off.
My hands are shaking, and I clench my fists to try to drive it away. My skin starts to feel too tight for my body, but I breathe in and out to calm myself down. It takes the edge off, barely. My mind is still racing, thinking about every single person I’ve failed over the years. Like a PowerPoint, the slideshow is never-ending.
There’s only one way to deal with this mood I’m now in, and sadly, it’s not fucking Willow. I want to save her from this side of me. She doesn’t need to see this unsure, fucked-up version of me.
I pull out my phone and send a text to Lennox.
Me:
You free for a workout today?
Lennox:
It’s my day off, so I’m open all day. What time are you thinking?
Me:
As soon as I close up.
Lennox:
Done. I’ll meet you at the north trail entrance.
The bell of the front door dings again, and I’m about ready to rip the thing off. My nerves are frayed right now, and that’s not helping at all.
Until I see Willow.
But then I remember my workout with Lennox and feel guilty all over again.God, my head’s a mess.
“I actually ate lunch today, so you don’t have to feed me for once!” She moseys up to the counter with a smile. She says it like I hate feeding her, but nothing could be further from the truth.
And I’m honestly upset I don’t get to feed her today. Taking care of her in and out of the bedroom is quickly becoming my favorite thing to do.
“That’s good. Still want a latte?” I arch my eyebrow.
“Of course.” She turns and heads to her usual table, acting like it’s a normal day. And I guess, for her, it is. But my mind is a fucking scary place right now, and I need to let her know I need space tonight.
I make her latte from muscle memory, grabbing a chocolate chip cookie from the display case before walking over to her table. I awkwardly drop my large frame into the small café chair and set the goodies in front of her.
“Thank you,” she chirps, breaking off a piece of the cookie. “What’s up? How’s the day been? Any fun stories?”
“Nope.” I’m too in my head to elaborate on her questions.
“You okay?” She tilts her head to the side, analyzing my facial features.
“Umm, kind of. Not really.” I run my hand down my face. “Sorry, I just talked to Sheriff, and he got me thinking.”
“We hate when that happens.”
I let out a chuckle. “Yeah. I texted Lennox to go do a workout.” I hold my breath, hoping she doesn’t take it hard.
“Okay. That sounds like a good idea. I can go home and bust out another chapter.” She says it so simply.
I would assume if I wasn’t so worked up, it would be that simple, but to me right this minute… I feel guilty, anxious, and so fucking uncomfortable. It’s like my skin is clammy, and my mind is making up scenarios where she hates me for ditching her tonight.
