Before I even have time to think about what just happened, our drinks are delivered, and it’s then that I realize Ainsley just ordered the same drink I had in the lounge for me.
“Thank you for ordering for me,” I tell her sincerely. If she was paying that much attention, that has to mean something, right?
“Not a problem. I hope you didn’t want something else,” she says as she takes a sip of her wine, not making eye contact.
“This is perfect.” I take a large swig, trying to calm my racing heart.
“So.” She puts her wine down as she starts talking. “Did you always know you wanted to get into landscaping?”
Okay, back to neutral ground. I can handle that.
“Kind of? I mean, I’ve always been interested in the design aspect of it. I decided to get my degree in Landscape Architecture and kind of see where it took me.” I’m not really sure I want to get into the details of how that plan didn’t really work out because I needed to come back here in order to take custody of my siblings when our parents passed away.
“Interesting. So, what made you come back home?”
I suck in a breath and debate what to tell her. Telling her all the nitty gritty is the best course because I made a promise to not lie to her anymore, and even a lie by omission feels wrong. Even if this is something I don’t talk about.
“My parents passed away right before I graduated. I knew immediately I was going to come back and take full custody of my siblings so they could keep the life they always knew, even with the loss of our parents. The business itself started small. Just helping out neighbors here and there. I’m not sure when the growth happened, but the business has blown up in the last decade. It’s been a lot of hard work, and Rina and Willow are the ones that really grew the nursery, but it feels like I’ve finally gotten to a point where I’m happy with it.”
“I’m so sorry, Ledger. I didn’t know.” She reaches over and squeezes my hand.
“I wouldn’t expect you to know.” My tone isn’t harsh because I understand why she doesn’t know.
“It just makes me realize how much I’ve blocked out Bluebell Falls. I mean, I vaguely remember my dad talking about a couple that passed away and left behind some kids, but I never put two and two together because I just didn’t care enough to. That sounds really shitty, right?” She looks over at me with sad eyes.
“That’s not shitty at all, and I didn’t mean to imply that you leaving was a bad thing. Hell, I wanted to leave, but circumstances changed my path. I wouldn’t change it for anything now, but it’s hard as a teenager to see past the small-town life. I’ll admit that dealing with my grief at the same time as I was forced to take care of Willow and Lennox was not a great time in my life. In the beginning, I was extremely resentful, and I hated it. It made me feel like I was a terrible brother and son. But I was determined to help them live as normal of a life as possible. And anything I wanted didn’t matter.” The painful lump in my throat reminds me ofhow hard that time was for me. I wasn’t planning on spilling all the dark details of that time in my life, but here we are.
“And do you feel like you lived your life the way you wanted to? Don’t get me wrong, it’s extremely admirable that you jumped in without a second thought, but they’re all grown now. Do you feel like you are living the life you really want to have now?”
I take in her words, and the first thought that pops into my head is I expected to be married with a couple of kids running around by now because that’s what’s expected. It’s not shocking that hasn’t happened since I locked that part of my life away after Jenna, but looking at the woman next to me makes me feel like some form of that is possible again.
“I … don’t know. That’s sad, right? I should know the answer to that. At the very least, I should know what kind of life I want, right?” I look over at her, no doubt looking a little lost. I didn’t expect this conversation, and I certainly didn’t expect to feel like maybe I’ve been putting things I want on the back burner.
“It’s not sad,” she whispers.
“What about you? Are you living life the way you’ve always wanted to?”
She scoffs. “No. Hell no. I feel like the last decade of my life was a complete waste.”
“How so?” I don’t know the story of what happened in Austin. I just know the job she applied for is a job she’s well and truly overqualified for.
“You obviously know I worked in finance.” I nod my head, so she continues. “I was always good at numbers. They just made sense to me, so it felt like a logical step to jump into the finance world. And I enjoyed it, for a time. It was when I started wanting to move up within the company that things went south. You hear it all the time, that women have to work twice as hard in male-dominated fields, and for some reasonI just didn’t believe it. I thought if I worked hard enough, if I just put my head down and was the best person for the job, the best financial advisor at my firm, that it would happen for me. Joke’s on me because not only is that not the case, but the boys’ club that was my old firm blocked me from any other equivalent position in Austin. They went with a guy who lied to get the job and then harassed me once he was my supervisor.” She huffs out a sad laugh.
“What the fuck?” I’m outraged for her, and I realize just how much me lying was a direct connection to everything she went through in Austin.God, I’m a prick.
“Easy there, turbo. It’s long past over, and honestly, I’m completely fine with it now. It took me a long time to come to terms with it, but I think I’m mostly okay with where I’ve landed. Who wants to work in that kind of atmosphere, anyway?”
“I’m sorry I lied to you. It was never my intention to do that,” I blurt out. It feels imperative that I get her to understand I never meant to lie and make her feel like I used her, especially after hearing a little of what went down at her last job.
“I know you didn’t.”
“You make me so fucking nervous all the time. It’s like I’m right back in my teenage years. You turn me into the shy, bumbling idiot who can barely complete a sentence around you. It’s not an excuse; it’s just how you affect me.”
“You’re doing pretty okay today.” She smiles.
“Yeah, I think maybe I grew some balls last night and finally figured out how to talk to the girl I like,” I say.
She bursts out a laugh. “Not exactly the imagery I was expecting, but thanks for that.”
