I take a moment to really think about my answer, even though a thought comes to my mind immediately. I don’t want to just spew unfiltered thoughts. I want to give myself time to think about things, really make some decisions about my future so I don’t lose the best part of it.
“My gut is that I want to stay with Ledger, with the company, and help him grow it. I’m not entirely sure what that role would be, but I’ve enjoyed being his assistant more than I ever enjoyed being a financial advisor.”
“Perfect, let’s talk that out then. I know a lot of it will be up to Ledger, but it doesn’t hurt to have an end goal to work toward.”
Nodding, I take her words to heart.
“I don’t want to take advantage of my relationship with Ledger, though. I don’t want to get a position within the company just because we’re dating … or I hope we still are.”
“Agreed, but let’s dream big and then do contingencies.”
God, I love her. This is exactly why she’s such a good social worker—because she genuinely cares.
“Well, I want to stay with the company, but I also want to help grow the company. The presentation Ledger did in Vegas made me see that there is a huge opportunity to grow, but at the moment, it’s not set up that way.”
“What do you mean?”
“Looking at it from a financial advisor perspective, he needs to set up the company so we could work around the country, or at least manage teams around the country. But right now, he’s set up like a basic small business, and the nursery is basically added on and not making a ton of money. If I could set up the company to run more like a project management firm, only landscaping, we could start working on projects all over,” I tell her, thinking out loud.
Nodding wordlessly, I’m getting excited about the prospect. I know Ledger and I have talked about this, but it was just this vague idea. I just figured out how to actually make it work.
“So, I could … what?” I look up at Larkin, who has a huge smile on her face. “Run the setup? Take over the financials and logistics so he can continue doing what he’s so damn good at?” It’s all rhetorical, but it’s exactly what I want to do.
And for the first time in way too long, I’m excited about the future. It feels tangible instead of this obscure idea that may never happen.
Then my smile drops as I think about Ledger and how I left things.
“What are you thinking about?” Larkin asks.
“That I need more wine because I think that was the easy part.”
She laughs as she yells out to Theo to bring more wine. He happily comes to deliver and kisses her before whispering in her ear and leaving again. My sister’s bright pink cheeks tell me Theo did not keep that PG, but I love seeing their dynamic.
“Okay, let’s talk about Ledger,” she says as she pours more wine.
“I messed up,” I say simply. I know I did. I made a man who was nothing but sweet and caring hide our entire relationship. Made him think we weren’t worth it, and my heart aches at the thought.
“I was scared after Vegas that the outside influence would take away from what we have. That if the whole town knew about us, we wouldn’t be able to figure out if we were truly sustainable. I know that doesn’t make a ton of sense, though.”
“It makes sense. You may have taken it to a bit of an extreme, but I understand your thought process. New relationships are scary. Hell, look and Theo and me. We were a hot mess when we started, and there was so much going on that I was sure we would have to set us aside, and I was almost positive that would end with us no longer seeing each other. But you know the biggest lesson I learned?”
“What?”
“A relationship consists of two people, not one. You can feel however you feel, but you have to remember there is another person in this dynamic and you can’t make decisions that affect both of you by yourself.”
Rolling her words over in my head, I take a long draw of wine. I’ve never thought of things like that. Always been determined to figure things out on my own and that extended over to my relationship with Ledger. It felt like second nature, but hearing Larkin’s thoughts is likethe sky opening up and down-pouring when you aren’t expecting it. A splash of cold water on your face, giving you all the clarity you needed.
“So, how do I fix this?” I ask in a whisper.
“Well… First, ask yourself if you’re all-in with Ledger.”
“Absolutely,” I say with authority.
“Perfect.” She smiles, but it drops with her next words. “Next, you prepare yourself for him not to be on the same page. You hurt him, and that may not be forgivable to him.”
Her words are a dagger to the stomach, but I know she’s right. I’ve been thinking about myself this whole time and not really considering Ledger until it was too late. I was focused on making suremylife was put together before turning my attention to us, and that was definitely the wrong move. I see that now. And although this gives me a ton of clarity, I also feel like the worst human being on the planet.
I hurt Ledger due to my inability to look pastmyself.It’s selfish, and I need to figure out a way to get him to forgive me because I don’t think I want to live my life without him in it.
