He sat up, meeting my eyes. Searching and waiting for my answer.
I looked down, afraid of what he might see. “Sometimes I don’t feel anything. I’m numb, I guess. Other times, I feel too much and it’s never the good feelings. I got into it with Bram earlier. I was angry and scared. I just need reasons. I need to know if what I’m doing is right.”
“What do you mean by reasons?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know what I’m saying. The pain pills make me loopy.” I regretted the lie the moment I said it.
He leaned down to try and catch my eyes. “Can I do anything?”
I looked up with a forced smile I’d had years of practice putting on my face. “I just need time to work things out.” It was as honest as I would be.
He stared at my mouth. “You can take all the time you need.”
My fake smile grew tight and uncomfortable. “How was school?”
He frowned. “You don’t have to use small talk to change the subject.”
“Maybe I really want to know.”
His eyes wandered until they caught on my drawing. “It’s not as great without you there.”
“We don’t have any classes together this year,” I pointed out.
“Doesn’t mean I don’t look for you every day.” He picked up the sketchbook and stared down at the drawing. “You drew the Kendry Bridge again.”
I didn’t react. “Did you look for me before?”
He smirked. “Before what, Lottie?”
“We—” I paused, unsure what to say.Before we started hanging out? Sneaking around? Becoming friends? Dating?It opened the conversation up to clarifying what we were to each other. Last time we’d had that conversation, we got into a fight. I couldn’t be his when Mother was selling me off to Brandon. Now things were all up in the air. Was I truly free from Mother? What was going to happen to me? Was I still a Kendry? I was unsure about everything. I took my sketchbook from him. “Never mind.”
“Lottie?”
The moment my eyes met his, he leaned in and kissed me. At first, I was surprised, but I quickly kissed him back. His lips moved with mine in a way that wasn’t rushed. Not like before, when he first got here. He kissed me like we had all the time in the world. It slowed my world down, too. There was just me and him. He was like an anchor. With the brush of his tongue, the feel of his lips, his smell, his closeness, he was reminding me that there were still good things to experience. Not just the bad. I wondered if he understood the power he had over me.
He pulled away. “From the first moment I saw you, I’ve always looked for you. In the halls. At lunch. Even at parties. The few times we’ve had class together over the years, I had the hardest time focusing because I felt this pull to only stare at you.”
I wanted to tell him that it was the same for me. I had felt that pull, but I couldn’t form the words. So instead, I put my hand in his and tugged a little. He smiled as he leaned close again. I rested my head on his shoulder. My hand slid up from his along his inner arm until I reached the bend of his elbow. As much as I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck to hug him properly, it hurt to lift them. This was the best I could do. He seemedto understand that and placed a hand on the back of my head, hugging me back.
We held each other like that for a while until I felt Roe tense up. Before I could ask him what was wrong, he said, “Bram’s staring at me like he wants to tie me up and drag me behind his bike down the highway.”
I pulled away to find Bram by the door, arms folded over his chest, glaring at Roe.
“Are you upset?” Bram asked me.
I shook my head.
“Then why is he hugging you?” Bram grumbled.
“Because I hugged him,” I said.
His eyes snapped to me and the glare he’d given Roe immediately disappeared. “I know you’re legally an adult now, but I think we should have a talk about how stupid boys are at your age.”
“I’m well aware already,” I said. Brandon was a prime example.
Roe glanced at me with a furrowed brow and Bram seemed pleased that I agreed with him.
“That’s why I wouldn’t waste my time with just anyone,” I added.
