“I had heard that he died from an accident in your home,” Bram said.
I could backtrack and insist that everything I had said was all hypothetical, but what was the point? I was so fucking tired of lying. Most of my secrets were already spilled anyway. What was a few more? Why not use the worst of all of them to see if he’d stick around?
“How’d Noah die?” he asked.
“Did you kill your father?” I shot back instead of answering.
His frown deepened and I thought I was about to get reprimanded. I didn’t think he would actually answer.
“I made sure he went out the same way my best friend did.” His voice was even, but I could hear the anger. He was only telling me so I would answer him. It was a secret for a secret. A gamble. A risky one. I could have been lying before. What if the truth did change the way I felt about him? What if I used it against him? I wondered what he wished to gain from learning my secret.
Does it matter?
No. All that did were my own reasons for steering us in this direction.
I looked away from him, clutching the picture frame in my hands tightly. “I watched Mother push him down the stairs.”
His response didn’t come right away, but it was calm. “You were six years old at the time, weren’t you?”
I nodded. “It was late at night. Their yelling woke me. I almost didn’t get up to go see what was going on. I feared if I got caught, it would anger Mother. I was going to try and go back to sleep, but then I heard glass breaking. She hadn’t started hurting me yet, so angering her wasn’t as terrifying as hearing that glass break. I left my room and found them screaming at each other by the top of the stairs. His back was to them. Her back was to me and the hall I was tiptoeing down. He saw me. I remember how quickly he went from looking angry to not, as if to hide what they had just been doing.”
I took in a deep painful breath to prepare myself for what I had to say next. “In that split second of distraction I caused, she shoved him. He was falling and all I could do was watch until I couldn’t see him anymore. Even now, I can still hear his body hitting the steps.”
I closed my eyes for a few seconds to soothe the burn behind them. “She just stood there staring down at him for such a longtime, I was almost convinced that what just happened didn’t. That it was all a bad dream. I was going to wake up and he would be fine. Then she started laughing. It was deranged. I knew if she realized I was there, she’d kill me next. I backed away slowly. I didn’t take my eyes off her until it was safe to turn around and run back to my room.” I faced Bram again. “She told the police she found him at the bottom of the stairs. That he had been drinking and must have tripped. Everyone believed her. Everyone felt sorry for her. She got away with it because I was a coward who was too scared to tell anyone the truth.”
“You were a terrified little girl,” he argued.
I set the picture frame back on his desk. “I’ve had twelve years to tell someone the truth.”
“You just did.”
But it didn’t change anything. It didn’t make things right. It was too late. I shook my head. “It’s not that simple.”
“It never is.” He stretched out an arm along the back of the couch and gave me a level look. “But you didn’t bring all this up so I could help you through your guilt.”
No, I hadn’t.
“Is there anything else you want to throw at me to push me away?” he asked. “Want to take another crowbar to my bike? It’s in the garage. Have at it. I will still be here when you’re done.”
Was I that transparent? “And why did you tell me about your father?”
“Because you asked. Because you’re here. You’re in my life now and my life is deeply rooted in the club. That means you will be around it. It’s not really a secret what I did to my father. I’m sure your friends even suspect. So instead of you hearing a rumor about it, I wanted you to hear it from me.”
“You almost didn’t tell me at all,” I pointed out, adding fuel to the fire.
“Because you don’t trust me, Charlotte,” he snapped angrily, making me flinch. Seeing that, regret showed on his face. He leaned forward, rested his elbows on his knees, and ran his hands down his face. “I’m sorry for snapping.” His voice was calm again. “I thought I would have more time with you. I wanted you to know me better before sharing with you all the ugly stuff from my past. I was nervous you’d think I was the same as your mother, but I couldn’t lie to you.”
All the fire, all the need to prove something was instantly snuffed out.
He was worried I’d be scared of him.
I was worried he’d abandon me.
I sighed. “I don’t think you’re like her. If I did, I wouldn’t have acted the way I just did. I wouldn’t have pushed your buttons like that.”
“Keep pushing them if that’s what you need to see that I’m not going anywhere.”
I frowned at the absurdity of that.
