‘We’re all worried about you,’ revealed Maddie, my sister, handing me a generous slice of luxury chocolate Yule log. On her way to visit me, she’d stopped at Waitrose and bought us delicious festive goodies to eat. Maddie always came armed with cake and family gossip. Although, this wasn’t what I wanted to hear.
‘Maddie, I’m fine.’
‘Drip, drip, drip.’ She surveyed the three plastic buckets in front of us catching the drips from the leaks in the ceiling. The landlord had been promising to fix the ceiling for the past month, but his messy divorce had distracted him. Her gaze fell on the blankets over our laps, as it was colder inside than it was outside, and my greasy hair piled on top of my head in a messy bun. ‘Fineis not the word I’d use, Rachel.’
I said, ‘I’ve even added tinsel to the buckets.’
Maddie gave me her concerned older sister stare. ‘It’s hard to see you living like this, Rachel. The last few months haven’t been easy for you. I mean you’ve gone through something…’
I raised my hand to stop her. My face was heating up and a wave of emotion was rising inside of me. ‘Don’t mention it or I will cry, and my tears will turn this delicious Yule log salty.’
She glanced over my shoulder at the selection of paintings against the wall. ‘I see you’re painting again.’
‘It keeps me sane through all my job rejections.’
‘You’re not having much luck?’
I shook my head. ‘Trying to get another job when Christmas is a few weeks away is not easy. I bet you wish you never came all this way to see me.’
Maddie rolled her eyes. ‘Rachel, I would travel anywhere to see you. Oh and… Mum has started a secret family WhatsApp group chat titledRachel Needs Our Help.’
A secret WhatsApp group chat is our family’s way of dealing with problems. Before WhatsApp, we solved things by shouting at each other over plates of buffet food at a family social event, a wedding, a christening, an engagement party or at a funeral. We are a large family so there are a lot of these events.
If things were not resolved there would be a slew of lengthy phone calls, which would always result in someone either crying or hanging up in anger. We did try texts and emails, but WhatsApp was the game changer for the Reid family. It gave everyone, regardless of where they lived, a chance to have their say on a troubling matter in real time. And they could convey strong feelings via emojis. Although everyone wished Uncle Robert had not discovered the laughing face emoji as that had become his stock response to everything.
Everyone turns to WhatsApp when a family member becomes ‘problematic’. That’s how our mother has explained it to Maddie and me. She lives in Tenerife with our stepdad, Gary, and as unofficial head of the family, she likes to keep tabs on us all dotted around the UK and Australia. She creates a secret WhatsApp message chat which excludes the problem family member and everyone else is encouraged to give their views and advice on the situation.
Over the last few years, the family had solved various problems via family WhatsApp group chats. We navigated Uncle Robert’s midlife crisis – which consisted of him publicly confessing his love for Aunty Karen’s hairdresser.
Then we helped Aunty Flo deal with her rebellious teenage daughter Nadine. Through daily messaging on a secret chat, which excluded Nadine, the family were able to calm Aunty Flo down when Nadine ran away with her boyfriend, who had a penchant for stealing cars, to live with him in a tiny caravan. The family assured Aunty Flo that Nadine liked her home comforts too much and would return once life in the caravan got tough. Three days later Aunty Flo cheerfully informed the family that Nadine had come back hungry, tear-stained, clutching a load of dirty washing, and saying she never wanted to see another caravan or the boyfriend again for as long as she lived.
Recently the family WhatsApp chats had been about Aunty Bev. Mum had four sisters and Bev was the one who they all believed was the most ‘problematic’. Every week Mum would set up a new thread titled,Bev’s Out of Control… AGAIN!
The whole family, excluding Aunty Bev, would pile in with comments and suggestions on how to stop fifty-five-year-old Aunty Bev from going on crazy nights out, having an eye-watering number of male lovers, being tagged into saucy hot tub parties on Facebook and wasting a lot of money on expensive hair extensions. Even distant cousins in Australia voiced their opinions on how to control Aunty Bev, which I had always found extraordinary.
‘Wow,’ I said. ‘I feel honoured to have made it into the Secret Family WhatsApp Hall of Fame. What’s everyone said about me?’
Maddie took out her phone from the Mulberry handbag beside her and opened WhatsApp. ‘Aunty Flo thinks grief can be cured by taking one of her fish oil supplements. Uncle Kevin doesn’t believe you’re grieving. He thinks you’re really on drugs. Apparently, there was an article in theDaily Mailabout increased drug use amongst people in their thirties. Aunty Polly has suggested you take up belly dancing. She says her neighbour was suffering from a low mood and they took up belly dancing. That neighbour now has a permanent smile on their face. Fay thinks you eat too much sugar. And Aunty Karen is worried you will turn into Aunty Bev.’
‘How does Fay know I eat too much sugar when she lives on the other side of the world?’
Fay, our older cousin, is Aunty Polly’s daughter. We were not close as kids. She emigrated to Australia after getting a nursing job. She’s a regular on the family WhatsApp and always has a lot to say about everyone’s lives. The time difference isn’t a problem as Fay works nights and judging by how long she spends analysing family issues, she doesn’t have a lot of nursing to do. When Fay is not on WhatsApp, she stalks everyone’s Facebook and Instagram posts.
My sister grinned. ‘Oh, and Uncle Robert thinks you might be pregnant. He also added a laughing face emoji.’
I rolled my eyes at Uncle Robert’s input. ‘Have you ever had a secret family WhatsApp group chat created about you?’
Maddie shook her head. ‘No, although sometimes I wonder if I have missed out by not being the topic of a secret WhatsApp chat.’
‘You could have had one about you last year,’ I said, with a wink.
She smiled, reached out and covered my hand with hers. ‘Still eternally grateful for what you did.’
‘I’d do anything for you, Maddie, you know that.’ I squeezed her hand.
We nibbled at our Yule log slices. ‘Got any plans for Christmas?’ Maddie asked.
Christmas Day for me would be spent rotating and emptying my plastic buckets, microwaving myself a supermarket Christmas dinner, and probably crying a lot about the empty space next to me on the sofa and the lonely pink typewriter over in the corner of the room.
