I really want to like it here. I want to belong and be the queen Raza and Richard need me to be. But there’s just so much violence and pain. Lief was stabbed right in front of me. The market went from a vibrant, peaceful gathering to bloody chaos and panic within seconds.
And yet,I think as I pull off a piece of garlic with my teeth,Richard saw all the same things I did, but he is out there doing his duties. While I’m here, being useless.
Just like I was in the Throne Room this morning.
Placing the clean skewer down, I wrap my arms around my waist. “Richard said something that I didn’t understand,” I say slowly, thinking hard as I talk.
Finishing her kebab, Fabia picks up another one but nods at me to continue.
“He asked a man if a woman tried to force him to have sex.”
Stilling, she swallows hard. She places the kebab on the tray.
“Don’t you want to finish that?” I ask. She only took one bite.
“No.”
I twist my fingers in front of me, something in her mien making me nervous.
My best friend’s voice is soft and quiet; it’s so not like her. “Go on, Arienna. Ask me what you want to.”
Wetting my lips, I want to keep the words down. But how can I have any chance of belonging here if I don’t even understand the culture? How can I rule fairly if I don’t know what’s being discussed? “How can someone be forced to have sex?” I blurt. “Sex is a good thing, right? A good brownie always says yes. It makes everyone happy?”
She picks up an empty skewer and twirls it around her fingers, a restless energy pouring off her. “You remember when we were kids and your grandpa wanted you to join him upstairs, but you didn’t want to go?”
I shift uncomfortably, my eyes dropping to focus on the stick swirling in her hand. Although everyone told me that a good brownie would go with him, I wasn’t able to shake the horrible feeling that request had settled in my stomach.
“On our way upstairs, you accidentally bumped into him with a pot of boiling soup and spilled nearly the entire thing on him,” I say, lifting my gaze. “He got fined for screaming.”
“Yeah. But if you’d gone up with him that day, Arienna, when youreallydidn’t want to go” –she looks into my eyes, hers brimming with emotion– “he would’ve forced you to have sex.”
“No…” I say, my brow furrowing. “I wouldn’t have told him no.” I would’ve listened just like a good brownie does.
Fabia closes her eyes briefly as she shakes her head. She pulls me against her again, the skewer dropping somewhere between us. “But you wouldn’t havewantedto.”
“But to decline would’ve been rude.”
“No,” she says sharply. Breathing deep, she holds me at arm’s length. Her silver eyes bore into mine, frustration and painflashing through. “You were too young. He was in the wrong for asking.”
“But I was the same age as everyone else?” I’m trying so hard to understand what she’s saying, but her words aren’t making sense. How could I have been forced if I agreed to go with him? And how could I have been too young when I was old enough to know the rules?
“It doesn’t matter if it happened to everyone else,” she says. “It’s wrong. Just because something happens a lot does not mean it isn’t a bad thing.”
“But if it was bad, brownies wouldn’t do it. We’re good people. There’s a rule about that and everything.”
Her nails bite into my arms, and I wince.
“It’s a cult. Cults don’t know right and wrong.”
“But –”
“YouknowI’m right, Arienna. Deep down, you know it. You didn’t want to go up with your grandpa that day, did you?”
I swallow hard, trying to trap the guilt inside me. It was my birthday party and that was going to be his present to me. A good brownie always accepts the present they are given. Mum thanked him for it. I tried to too, but I couldn’t get the words out.
“Because it felt wrong – bad, didn’t it?” Fabia pushes.
My eyes plead with her. My head shakes. Sex is good. It’s fun. The rules all say so. But the mere thought of him and me together feels awful. Even all these years later.
