I press her head back to my shoulder. She clings to me, her body feeling so soft and breakable against mine.
“I don’t like stabbing people,” she rasps. “I don’t want to do it again. The knife… When it went in… I didn’t think it would feel like that. There was only a little bit of resistance. And when it caught in her ribs…”
She chuckles. “I pulled out her intestines.” She flexes her hand as if she can still feel it.
I hold her tighter, wordless, choking on all my past faults and failures. Nothing I said helped Aurelia. But did I make it worse for her? Was I the reason she ended up killing herself by my hand? I’m terrified of making the same mistake with my queen, of saying the wrong thing. Of breaking her when she’s not yet there. Maybe she can come back from this.
She’s still wearing the chastity belt.
She’s still in my arms.
If I just stay silent, maybe I won’t make things worse.
But it’s killing me that I can’t fix this.
“I feel so bad for slugs,” she says. Her laugh is full of panic and pain and tears she doesn’t know how to shed. “I don’t want to do that ever again.”
I stroke her hair. “You won’t,” I promise her.
“But that’s what you’re supposed to do here, right? I did the right thing?”
I close my eyes briefly. “Yes,” I say, the lump in my throat making it hard to breathe. Am I doing the right thing by lying to her? Nicholas always stopped me from punishing his ex; how is he fairing, having seen the woman he still loves stabbed in front of him? Has Arienna traumatised him more than she helped?
And Stephanie’s from a very rich and powerful line of nobles. There will be consequences to her assault. My allies might wonder if I can protect them, decide I can’t, then turn on me. My enemies will grow emboldened if they see my wife as the face oftheir coup. If they think she’ll be strong enough to lead without me. Although I know she isn’t the monster she must’ve looked like tonight, they will not care about that truth when the illusion works for them so well.
So I lie, saving her from any additional guilt.
“You did the right thing,” I say. “But you’ll never have to do it again. I’ll do the punishing. You just stay how you are.”
There’s a weight to her silence, and I tense. My skin feels too taut beneath the hot spray, like each droplet is capable of breaking it. “Talk to me, Arienna,” I beg. “What are you thinking?”
“I…” She pauses for a long moment. I don’t push, just wait in terrifying anticipation of her wanting to leave.
“I don’t want to stay how I am,” she says in a rush. “The old me wasn’t there for Fabia, and she suffered all alone after Lief raped her. And I almost got raped because I didn’t know that you could say no. And I don’t really understand what rape means, but I want to know. I want to understand. I don’t want to be an ignorant brownie anymore. I want…” She sucks in a deep, shaking breath. “I want to be like you.”
I cup her face as I stare into her wide eyes. “No, you don’t,” I say softly.
“I do! I want to be strong and protective andgood.”
“I’ve killed people, Arienna. Men and children. Babies. I’m not good. I slaughtered an entire village on my own, after I got my people to round them up and force them on their knees. But I swung the blade that decapitated each and every one of them, from elder to suckling babe.”
She flinches, but she doesn’t look away from me.
“Raza doesn’t need another person like me. That’s why I want to abolish the monarchy. It’s time for change. We need someone like you, and you don’t have to stab people to be good, protective, or strong.”
She swallows. “Really?”
My face softens as I stare at my entire world. “It isn’t easy going against the grain; that’s strength. And you’ve protected Fabia all this time without stabbing anyone. You can learn our customs without embracing our mistakes.”
Sagging against me, she buries her face against my chest. “Oh, thank gods,” she rasps. After a beat of silence, she asks, “But then why do you do it?”
“Because sometimes the world needs its monsters.”
She lapses into silence, but it isn’t loaded this time. It’s calm and inquisitive as she gives my words thought. I just pray that the conclusions she comes to don’t break her.
Even though I know it’s only a matter of time before they do. Because tomorrow, the Vylian king returns to Raza, along with the families of those who were attacked at the market.
Then a few days after, I’ll be marching the bombers into the public square and torturing them for all to see.
