“Hey!” Theo shouted. “That’s the talking stick!”
“Don’t do it,” James said to Bowen with desperate intensity.
“Bzzzzzzzt,” Theo blared.
“Don’t get married,” James continued as if Theo didn’t exist. “As a matter of fact, end things right now before it’s too late.”
Theo slapped the table. “Bzzzzzzzt!”
Bowen stared at James, aghast.
“Love is a trap,” James said.
“Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!” Theo pounded the table, face flushing dark.
“Bzzt yourself,” James snarled, then turned back to Bowen. “Seriously, steer clear. Love is nothing more than a weapon for the universe to use to rip your heart out and leave you sad, cynical, and alone. Maggie will just die and leave you.” He waved his hand toward Cash, “Or disappear for four years and show up still married to a loser.”
Cash chuckled under his breath, unbothered by James’s bitterness.
James gestured at me, continuing his rant. “Or marry you, steal your virginity, and then tell you she never loved you in the first place.”
Ouch.
Then he waved a hand at Theo. “Or continually choosewhoever the hottest celebrity is over you, leaving you crying into your pillow on repeat.”
Theo scoffed. “I don’t cry into my pillow.”
“You do,” James said. “I’ve heard you. BJ across the street can hear you. He told me one night he almost called the police because he thought I must be secretly abusive. Even Grandma Lisa’s dog can hear you. Why do you think he starts howling every time you sob?”
Theo’s jaw dropped. “You’re a terrible best friend.” He shook his head, lips pursed. “And you just broke the bro code, you know that, right? You never out your friend if he cries. And your little tantrum slash monologue earned you a spot on the karaoke stage, mister.”
The second he finished, Bowen, Cash, and I yelled. “Bzzzzzzzt!”
Theo’s nose twitched in anger, but he clamped his mouth shut.
“I don’t care,” James declared. “Make me singallthe karaoke. Throw me in Lake A, buck naked, with chains around my ankles and drown me!” His voice rose to a shout. “Do your worst, universe! Oh, wait!” He slapped his chest with both hands, then threw his arms out wide. “You already did!”
I guffawed.
Cash flopped over, wheezing against me.
Bowen’s shoulders shook.
Theo didn’t find it funny at all. “Up, Jim-bo!” he ordered. “To the stage!”
“I’ll go,” James hunkered down in his chair, arms folded across his chest. “When I’m done getting my feelings out. But?—”
“At least hold the new talking stick.” Theo thrust Bowen’s spoon at James.
James grabbed it and tossed that one over his shoulder too.
“You need to follow the rules!” Theo bellowed.
“The rules?” James bellowed right back. “Let me tell you how I feel about the rules!” He shoved a fist into the air. “I’ve followed ‘the rules’ my whole life, and all it got me was widowed!” He took a large gulp of his soda like it was actual liquid courage, no straw, cola spilling sloppily down the front of his shirt. Then he slammed it back on the table, his drink splashing onto his hand. “Screw the rules!” He jumped up and stood on his chair, pounded his chest again, and threw his arms back out. “Screw you, Sage!” he screamed at the ceiling. “Screw you for leaving Willow and me! I’m so angry at you!” His voice broke, but he didn’t falter. “But you know who I’m even angrier at? God! That’s right. Hey, Mr. Big Guy up in the sky! You think you’re so cool up there, just letting tragedy happen left and right down here. Breaking everyone’s hearts and then trying to make us believe you do it out of love. I have a thing or two to say about that!”
The restaurant went silent—every face turned toward us.
Our waitress, who’d made no move to take our order in the last ten minutes, came jogging up. “I’m cutting y’all off. No more drinks at this table.” But then she took in our Dr Peppers, Cokes, and Bowen’s water with lemon. James was still standing on his chair, shouting at God, with at least seven people filming on their phones. “He’s not drunk?” she asked, baffled.
