He barely breathes it out, as if it is a weakness he is ashamed to say out loud about his boss.
His thumb softly rubs my inner wrist, and I twist my hand out of his grasp, holding my trembling hands to my chest.
“As am I, Carlos? Every second, every day of my life.”
I walk up the stairs and open the door. I close it behind me and stand still beside the wall by the door. Alexander is pacing back and forth in front of the stairs. His suit jacket is open. He has one hand on his hip, the other curved around his mouth as he glares at the floor.
He hears the door click and stops, looking up at me. I can see it clearly in his silver eyes. The disdain, the hostility, he’s barely holding back. He takes a step towards me and I retreat, my backflush against the wall now giving me nowhere to go. He stops short and pulls his shoulders back, squaring his shoulders as his eyes narrow in on me.
“Go to your room and shower; clean yourself up.” He looks at my body with disgust.
“I’ll see you in my office in one fucken hour.” He turns and walks away, slamming the office door behind him.
I wait for what I don’t know, but I can’t seem to move forward. I look up at the stairs, trying my hardest to move my body. Fresh tears slowly trickle down my face and I wipe them and move towards the stairs. I hold the banister as I take the steps slowly, my legs trembling.
I try to empty my mind and concentrate on taking each step carefully, one at a time so my knees don’t buckle beneath me. I walk towards my room, my eyes following the intricate pattern on the carpet. Once I reach my room, the door is already open, so, I go in, slowly closing it behind me. I head over to the bathroom, dropping my sweater on the floor behind me as I go.
I peel my t-shirt off, dragging my leggings and panties down as I push them to the floor, stepping out of them as I snap off my bra and open the glass door to the shower. Turning on the tap, adjusting it till it runs hot, then pulling the knob and stepping under the spray. The hot water hits my skin, and I wince as a million needles pierce like shards of glass on my skin, making my bum burn as the hot water tries to chase away the chill inside me.
As the water soaks my hair, I turn my head and tilt it under the spray. Squeezing some shampoo into my hand and scrubbing my hair. I rinse and follow with the conditioner. Quickly washing the rest of my body, taking care not to irritate my raw bum or my still tender boob. Leaning back I let the hot water cascade over my body.
The tension slowly drains out of my body and flows down thedrain with the soapy water at my feet. I have gone over every scenario in my head over and over again, and no matter how I play it out, there is no other alternative. My mind settles as I think of only one way to fix this. If I can manage to do this right, Alexander will get what he wants, and my father will get the position and power he needs.
And I will finally be free of them all.
I turn off the water and wrap myself in a towel. The steam covers the mirror as I look at the shadowy figure in the reflection in the glass.
Grabbing a hand towel, I dry my hair and then run a brush through it, removing the knots. I head out to my suitcase and dig through it, pulling out clean underwear, my jeans and a long black turtleneck sweater.
My diazepam drops to the floor as I shake out my sweater. Bending over to pick it up. I stare at it, contemplating taking one. As I tilt my head to the ceiling, I squeezed the bottle and closed my eyes. It would be so easy this way, so simple for all of them. I drop my hand and turn to the bathroom. Can I do this? Do I really want to go that far?
I go to the bathroom and lift the lid on the toilet. I snap open the cap, pour the bottle in, and flush it. I watch the pills swirl around the bowl and close the lid.
Going back to my bed, where I left my clothes. I put on new underwear and get dressed. I head to the door and look around the room. A wave of sadness washes over me, thinking about all that has happened in my short stay here and all that will.
I sigh as I settle on my decision. It’s the only way I’ll make it, the only chance to let everyone in this twisted game win.
Turning, I close my door. I look over at Alexander’s bedroom door. Crossing the hall, and put my hand on the cold wooden panel so much like the man himself. If only it could be another way, or if I was a stronger person. Someone capable of being thewoman he needs me to be, the person he deserves by his side.
My hand slides down the door, and I turn, a tear escaping down my cheek. I swipe at it as I head down the hall to the stairs. As I round the corner to the second landing, Carlos is coming in from parking the car.
He stops and looks up at me, anguish pinching his features. I smiled at him as he fumbled with the keys in his hand. He stands straighter and watches me closely as I approach him, holding my hand out for the keys.
He looks at my face, noting my puffy red-rimmed eyes and swollen lips, then looks back at my hand, his eyebrow arching.
I quietly say, “I’ll take them to him. I have to meet him in his office now.”
“Piccolo.” He breathes as I take the keys from his hand.
I figure, since I already made up my mind, I will switch to Italian out of respect for our heritage. I put my hand on his chest and smile up at him.
“In the short time I’ve known you, you have become a friend to me.”I look around the foyer;“In a world where I have never felt like I had a home, you made me feel that for a brief moment. I just want to thank you for that.”I pat his chest.
Turning, I start toward Alexander’s office door; I take a breath before I turn the handle. I open the door and he is sitting behind his desk scrolling on his computer, his finger flicking up and down softly. He looks up at me; his expression remains the same as earlier.
I walk over to the chair across from him, place the keys on his desk, and sit down, sweeping my damp hair over my shoulder to rest the long length on my lap. I look him squarely in the eyes.
I’m done hiding. I’ve accepted what the fates have determined to be my destiny.
