He smiled ruefully. "I haven't had sex in almost two years, Sunshine."
"But...I'm so confused." I said, shaking my head at something so unbelievable. He put his finger under my chin and raised my gaze to meet his.
"It's simple. I realized I was in love with you. I wanted you, and even though I couldn't have you then, I figured out pretty quickly that nobody else would do." He looked away, a look of guilt crossing his face. "I need to be honest with you. I tried. I tried to be with other women. I was so lonely, and I wasn't sure you would ever be ready for a relationship with me, so I tried to fuck other women to get you out of my system, but it didn't work. Shit, I was so fucked up. The last time, I closed my eyes and pretended she was you, and I'm so sorry. I felt like shit afterwards and knew I couldn't do that again."
He looked so ashamed of his admission. I was having trouble wrapping my head around his words though.
"You've loved me that long?" I asked, not able to believe what I'd just heard him say.
He smiled and dropped his head to kiss my forehead. "I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but yeah, sometime in that first year after...after Alex died, I fell in love with you."
"You never said anything," I said, hearing the wonder and disbelief in my voice.
His gaze on me was steady as he said, "I couldn't. You weren't ready to hear it yet, and that was OK. I understood it, and it was OK."
My vision blurred as tears filled my eyes, and Nico groaned as he hugged me tight. "Please don't cry, love. I didn't mean to upset you."
I hugged him tighter and basked in the warmth of his bare skin against mine.
"I just feel so bad that I didn't know, that you didn't feel you could tell me. I mean, we had become such good friends, but you -"
"Exactly," he interrupted. "We had become such good friends, and that was enough for me then. I was willing to wait for you to be ready for more. I had faith that we would get here, although the last week has been rough," he finished with a glare.
I looked at him questioningly, and his gaze sharpened as he frowned.
"Liam," he spit out. "Why didn't you tell me you were dating again? I almost lost my fucking mind when I found out about Liam, and then I found out that you'd been dating assholes for months and hadn't fucking told me!" he finished on a shout. He scooted back up to lean against the headboard and reached out his hand to grab his bottle of water. He opened it and took a big gulp, looking like he wished it were a shot of whiskey instead.
I was stunned for a second. Oh shit...the guilt I'd been feeling over my last date with Liam, the feeling that I had cheated on Nico...that guilt came crashing back, and I couldn't breathe with the weight of it.
I couldn't even look at him. I started to get up, only to have Nico wrap his body around mine to stop me. "Don't get up, Allie. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have fucking said that to you. You had the right to see other people, I was just jealous, and I was hurt that you talked to Tony about it but didn't tell me."
"I couldn't talk to you about it. I was trying to get over my feelings for you. I was trying to move on, like Alex wanted, and Ididn't think you would ever want to be with me the way I wanted you. I couldn't talk to you because if you encouraged me to start dating someone else, it would have hurt too damned much. So, I tried to get over you. The first few dates were disasters. Then, I met Liam at Gracie's preschool, and...." The sob I'd been trying to hold in escaped just then, and I couldn't continue.
"Aw, hell, Sunshine, don't cry. It's OK. I understand," he soothed. He wrapped me up tighter in his arms and ran his hands up and down my back. "It's OK."
"No, it's not. On our third date, when he dropped me off, I invited him in and we...but I saw your face in my head, and I couldn't. I felt so guilty. I'm so sorry," I confessed. Nico's hands stilled, and I could feel his body tense.
"You didn't sleep with him?" he asked quietly.
"No, I stopped it before we got that far," I barely got the words out before Nico tipped my face up to his, his smile blinding in its intensity.
"Oh, Sunshine, you have no idea how happy that makes me. I felt like I was dying when I saw those fucking roses he sent you, with that stupid fucking card -'I had a fantastic time last night, babe. I hope you got some rest after I left. Talk soon, Liam'.Tony had to talk me down off the ledge, after I kicked a hole in Michael's bathroom wall."
"Wait, you read the card he sent?" I asked incredulously.
"Some stupid motherfucker sends my girl fucking roses?You bet your sweet ass I read that card," his volume rose as his irritation became clear. "Then Tony told me about you dating again, and that did not help my fucking mood, let me tell you."
"Your girl?" I asked with a smile, as those two words registered.
Nico shook his head and smiled at me. "That's what you took from that? Yeah, my girl. Mine, not Liam's, mine."
I put my arms around his neck and pulled him close. "Are you sure you want me to be your girl? Maybe you should show me again..."
