I interrupted her this time. "The kiss didn't mean anything to you, or you don't think it meant anything to me?"
"What?" she asked, apparently not sure exactly what I was getting at.
I repeated, "Are you saying the kiss didn't mean anything to you, or that you don't think it meant anything to me?" I was staring at her so intently, I felt like I should be able to see straight into her soul.
She looked away as she replied, her voice tight with tension, "I know it didn't really mean anything to you. You'd just had a little too much to drink, that's all."
She's gotta be fucking kidding me with this shit. "You think so, huh? You think I was too drunk to know what I was doing? You think I was too drunk to know that I was kissing you? You think I was too drunk to know exactly what the fuck I was doing to you?" I practically snarled that last part.
"I was well aware that I was kissing you, Sunshine, and the last fucking thing I wanted to do was to let you go back to your hotel room by yourself. But I knew if you stayed at that party, I was going to drag you off to a back room somewhere and fuck you against the wall. I knew if I walked you upstairs to your room, I was going to bend you over the edge of your bed and fuck you so hard neither of us would have been able to walk the next day. But I knew I couldn't do either of those things, because you had been drinking too, and there was no way in hell I could take advantage of you like that. So please, don't fucking tell me that kiss didn't mean anything to me, because it meant everything to me," I finished hoarsely. I was hanging on to my composure by the tiniest of threads.
Her jaw had dropped during my tirade, and her eyes widened, pupils dilated. As I waited for her to say something, anything, my heart pounded so hard it felt like I had fire coursing through my veins. After several long moments, I shook my head and looked away quickly, before looking into her wide green eyes again.
"Say something, Sunshine. Please. You're killing me here," I said softly.
"I...I'm not even sure what..." she took a quick breath then paused, as if she was trying gather her thoughts.
"It's OK, Sunshine," I said, smiling sadly. "It's OK if you don't want me that way, it won't change our friendship. I won't let it change our friendship. But I just need to be completely honest with you. I need you to know that I love you." I wasn't sure I could take this. My heart was fucking breaking in two as I offered it up to her, all the while knowing she didn't want it.
"I love you, too, Nico, you're my best friend." She smiled me, tentatively, carefully. Hope bloomed inside me for the briefest second, before reality hit. My anger and frustration came roaring back and slamming into me until I exploded again.
"No Allie, don't you understand? I don't just love you as a friend. Fuck! I'm in love with you, damn it!" I almost shouted. "I've been in love with you for so fucking long that I don't even know when it happened. I tried to get over it. When that didn't work, I tried to hide it, because I was fucking terrified that I would ruin our friendship if you didn't feel the same way. I've tried to give you time to love me, too, but I just can't fucking do it anymore." I looked down and took a deep breath in a desperate attempt to get my emotions back under control. When I raised my head again, I could feel the sting of tears behind my eyes.
"I'm in love with you, Allie and I want you in every way. I'm a greedy bastard, I know that. I want you as my best friend. I want you as my lover. I want to be able to call Gracie my daughter, because that's what she is in every way that matters. I want you both in my life, every day and in every way possible. I promise you though, if you don't feel the same way about me, it'll be OK. I won't let it change anything; do you hear me? I will not give up our friendship. I will not give up my relationship with you or with Gracie." My voice broke, as a tear slowly rolled down mycheek. It was all I could do not to beg her to let me stay in their lives.
Allie seemed to freeze for a split second before her lips slowly stretched into a smile. A strange sort of laughing sob bubbled up out of her throat, and before I could make sense of what was happening, she lunged toward me. She jumped up to wrap her arms around my neck as her legs wrapped around my waist. She clung to me for a moment as I steadied myself on my feet. My arms came up automatically to hold her, and before I could stop myself, they tightened around her in a crushing embrace. If this was the last time I got to hold the woman I loved, by God I was going to make it count. The thought of having to let her go was killing me. Then, I realized that she had been whispering, over and over, "I love you, Nico. I'm in love with you, too."
I staggered back a few steps to the sofa behind us and dropped down on to it as my knees buckled. I felt like my entire body had just melted, and it seemed like my vision went white for a second. My ears were ringing, and I was fucking terrified that I hadn't heard her right.
I eased her back and forced her chin up so I could see her face. "Say that again," I demanded.
She looked right at me, smiling tremulously, tears shimmering in her beautiful big green eyes, and said, "I'm in love with you, too, damn it!"
