Chapter 20: I’m In Love with You, Damn It!
Nico
Holding Allie in my arms, I felt like I could breathe for the first time in over twenty-four hours. I'd always loved her scent - a mixture of the shampoo, body wash and lotion that she used. It was vanilla, mixed with something lightly floral - honeysuckle maybe? Whatever it was, it always soothed my soul, and settled whatever chaos existed around me. Today was no different.
"God, I needed that, Sunshine," I said, dropping a kiss on the top of her head as I loosened my hold a little and took a small step back, glancing around. "Did Gracie and your parents go over to see my folks? My mom said she was going to call."
Allie nodded. "Yes, she called around the same time you landed."
I moved my hands to her shoulders and held her at arms' length as I looked her over from head to toe. My gaze lingered on her T-shirt, partly due to the message on it, and partly due to the lush mounds underneath the shirt.
"Nice shirt," I grinned, raising my gaze up to meet her eyes. "Did you wear that specifically for the paparazzi?"
"Yep," she said with a smirk. "It suited my mood this morning."
I sighed at the reminder of the hell she'd been put through with this shit. Taking her hand, I guided her into the living room. I sat on one end of the sofa and pulled her down to snuggle in next to me. I needed to have her close - needed to have my hands on her.
"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I hate like hell that you've been stuck in the middle of this cluster-fuck."
She smiled softly up at me. "It's not your fault, you know. Have you heard whether they're going to be able to press charges against her for grabbing you?"
"No, but it's doubtful. I mean, I could push for it, but Michael and the attorneys had a conference call with Lana and me yesterday before I went on the air, and the attorneys all agreed that the case wasn't really worth pursuing. The cops can't prove public intoxication just on witness speculation, and too much time had passed by the time they tracked her down for a breathalyzer to be used as evidence. The video shows her lunging for me, almost knocking me down and grabbing for me, but her lawyers could argue she simply tripped, and it was an accident. She didn't trip, but what the fuck ever. That leaves her grabbing my arm as I tried to get on the elevator. The attorneys and Lana all feel that would be a flimsy excuse for filing assault charges. 'Not good optics' was the phrase Lana used."
"God, really? Optics? I hate those fucking PR buzzwords," she told me, clearly disgusted by the whole damned thing.
"Yeah, they think that's a nicer way of telling me I'd look like a pussy for filing assault charges on a drunk chick who grabbed my elbow," I said with a snicker.
She lifted the arm that had been draped around my waist, and lightly smacked me on the stomach. "Hey, pussies aren't weak, I'll have you know. They can take a pounding, unlike your balls."
As soon as the words left her mouth, I froze. There was no fucking way I could handle hearing her talk about pounding pussies, balls, or anything else even remotely sexual without thinking about all the things I ached to do to her body. The knowledge that we were alone in the house didn't help the situation. I felt her stiffen against me, and knew she was probably picking up on my sudden tension. I willed myself to calm the fuck down. I needed to stop getting distracted by having her so close, so I could tell her what I came to say.
"Allie?" I said softly, after a moment. "We need to talk."
She had been staring down at her lap, and slowly raised her head, but she wouldn't meet my eyes. I tightened my arms around her, trying to figure out why she looked so uncomfortable suddenly. Was it just that she had picked up on my tension, or was there something more?
"Sunshine, will you look at me...please?" I asked, putting a finger under her chin to gently lift her head. My eyes roamed her face, before gazing back into hers. I realized her eyes were filling with tears that she was desperately trying to blink away, and her lips were pressed into a thin line to keep them from trembling.
"Oh fuck, don't cry. Please don't cry," I begged.
I wrapped my arms around her even tighter and pulled her half onto my lap. She started to struggle to loosen my hold, then struggled harder when I didn't let go quickly enough. As I finally realized what she wanted and dropped my arms, my initial concern quickly gave way to shock and confusion. What the hell was wrong? She scooted off my lap, and practically jumped to her feet to get away from me. As she turned and started to walk away, I stood up quickly and grabbed her arm, whipping her back around to face me.
She reared back from me, and my concern, shock and confusion quickly turned into something much different. She looked wary, almost afraid, and the only thing I could think of was that kiss. She was afraid to get too close to me because of that kiss. As that thought sunk in, I could feel the hurt welling up inside me, and then I started to get pissed the fuck off. This was goddamned unbelievable!
"What the fuck?Are you really so worried that I'm going to kiss you again that you can't stand to be near me?" I asked incredulously.
She shook her head, flushing. "No, of course not. I just..."
"You just what, Allie?"
She didn't answer. She looked like she couldn't figure out what to say.
"You just what, Allie?" I repeated, my agitation growing. "You just don't want me near you? You just don't want me to touch you?You just don't want me to kiss you again?Is that it?You don't fucking want me to kiss you again?" I knew my voice kept getting louder, my words more forceful, but I could help myself.
Tears slipped down her cheeks then, as she just stood there and stared at me. I was desperate to find the words to fix this. To fix us. Without even fully being aware of it it, I wrapped my hands around her biceps, gripping them more tightly than I normally would have, and then gave her a little shake. I realized what I was doing, and immediately loosened my grip, letting my arms fall to my sides in frustration.
"Talk to me, damn it! Talk to me and tell me what's wrong." I stepped back, and dropped my head, clasping my hands behind my neck for a second, as if I could literally get a grip on my emotions. I raised my head again and stared at her before shaking my head slightly in disbelief. I couldn't believe how much this hurt. "God, I can't fucking stand the way you're looking at me right now. It's like you're afraid of me, like you're afraid I'm going to - "
"No!" she blurted out, interrupting me. "I'm not afraid of you doing anything. I just don't know how to fix this. It feels...I feel...awkward, I guess. I mean, I know we'd both had too much to drink, and the kiss didn't really mean anything, but I still feel - '
