My teeth ground as I thought of Allie, my sweet, beautiful Allie, kissing anyone who wasn't me.
Tony proceeded to tell me about her particularly bad date with a motherfucker named Doyle, who had thought she needed to diet. I don't fucking think so, fuckwad.So help me God, if he caused her to lose a single inch of her curves, I was going to track him down and force-feed him his own balls. Her body was the stuff dreams are made of. I should know, she's had a starring role in mine often enough.
So, after that date went south, she had run into Tony the next day at the office and vented to him about it. Then, he took her out for ice cream the next day - smart fucking move on hispart, with the ice cream. Showed her she didn't need to worry about a man thinking she's too heavy. She mentioned to him that she'd been on a few dates but hadn't found a spark.
A spark. She was looking for a fucking spark. I've had a raging goddamned inferno going on over here, but she'd been looking for a spark with someone else. Fuck my life.
"I haven't talked to her since her date last night, but I know she's planning to take this slow. She wants to find someone, but she wants to be sure he's the right someone before she gets serious."
He's not the right someone. He can't be because I'm the right fucking someone!My head was spinning, and there was ache in the vicinity of my heart that I wasn't sure would go away.
"So, she's ready, Nico. If you feel as strongly about her as you say you do, she's ready. But I'm telling you right now, if you aren't serious about loving her, and taking Gracie on as your own, I will kick your fucking ass, friend or not - bandmate or not. If you hurt either of them..." he left the threat unspoken, but it was clear he'd already chosen a side.
"You know I wouldn't do that to her, Tony."
"You've been with other women this whole fucking time, man. What am I supposed to think? You claim that you were waiting for her, but you couldn't keep it in your goddamned pants while you waited?"
"It's not like that, asshole. I haven't touched another woman in almost two years," I admitted.
"Don't bullshit me! I've seen you out at the bars, and the tabloids run pictures of you all the time with women hanging all over you," he said accusingly.
"Oh, come on, Tony. You know those pics don't mean shit. Women hang all over us, and then before we can even move, one of their friends whips out a fucking camera phone, or worse, the paparazzi are there to get the shot. Hell, half of those pictures are staged just to get make money by selling them to the highest bidder and you know it," I yelled.
"And as for the bars, yeah, I go out sometimes, but not anywhere near as often as I used to. Just think about it. When was the last time you saw me go home with a woman, or even take her to a dark corner in the back?" I asked.
"I'll tell you exactly when it was. Remember that benefit concert we did at The Live Wire, for the wildfire relief fund? Their booking manager hit on me after the show. She reminded me a little bit of Allie, same blonde hair, same height. Anyway, after a few beers, and then a few shots, I caved. I was lonely and feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't have Allie, so I took her up on her offer. We went back to her place, and I fucked her, and I imagined she was Allie. I closed my eyes and pretended she was the woman I really wanted, and I felt like shit about it, but I did it anyway. That woman didn't deserve to be used like that. Allie sure the fuck didn't deserve to be used like that, even though she had no idea. Then I went home and walked into my house. My brand-fucking-new house that Allie had helped me pick out and had decorated just the way she knew I wanted it, and there I was, reeking of another woman. You have no idea how fucking low I felt in that moment, Tony. You have no idea," I said, my voice so raspy by that point that it hurt. "I haven't made that mistake since. It just wasn't worth it."
Tony eyed me with sympathy, and probably a little pity. "I'm sorry, Nico. I didn't know. I didn't...realize that you'd changed. The problem now is, I don't think Allie noticed either."
"So, she thinks I'm still a manwhore? Thanks, that makes me feel better."
He just shook his head in frustration. "Why wouldn't she? Do you have any idea how much of our shit she's exposed to? We literally pay her to maintain our social media, so she sees every message from every groupie or hookup who tries to contact us the next day. We pay her to monitor our online presence, so she sees every photo or post we're tagged in and every article that mentions us. She has to look at all of the photos of naked women that are sent to us, along with notes explaining in explicit detail how they want us to fuck them. Have you ever read any of that shit? Porn doesn't begin to describe some of it," he said angrily, his mouth twisted with distaste.
"And the icing on that piece of shit cake is that when Allie gets caught in a photo with any of us, it gets posted online and she gets to read all the fucking rude-ass comments from assholes who trash every aspect of her face, her body and her personality, all because they're jealous shits who are pissed that it's her with us, and not them. She sees all this shit, so how is she supposed to believe that you would want to settle down with her?" he asked.
I was quiet for a moment. I knew she had to deal with all that shit, but I ever gave it much fucking thought from her perspective. God, I was such an idiot.
"So even if fucking Liam isn't in the picture, how can I even think about asking her to put up with a lifetime of that shit. And Gracie? She's too young to know now, but in a few years, she'llunderstand how fucked up this life can be." I got quiet then, not wanting to even think about this anymore.
"You can't make that decision for her, Nico. You need to talk to her. Be straight with her."
"What if I lose her?" I asked.
"What if you don't?" he said. "She's worth it to at least try."
