The date went well. Dinner was delicious, conversation was flowing, the comedy show after was very funny and then Liam drove me home. As we parked in my driveway, he turned to me, and grasped my hand across the center console of his car.
"I've had a really good time tonight, and I'm not quite ready for it to end yet. Could I come in for a little while?" he asked, squeezing my hand lightly.
"Uh, yes, that...that would be nice," I stammered. Ugh, could I be any more lame?
He smiled at me and came around to open my car door. I unlocked my front door, and he placed a hand on my lowerback as he followed me inside. I set my purse down on the entry table and walked over to turn on a lamp in the living room. Turning awkwardly back toward the door, I realized that Liam had followed me into the room. He gently put his hands on my waist and drew me close to him.
"Allie, please relax. I'm not planning on staying long. I just wanted to have a little privacy this time while I kiss you goodnight. If we do a little more than kissing, I'd love that, but I understand if you aren't quite there yet."
I smiled up at him, grateful that he was so understanding. He walked me back a couple of steps, until he could pull me down to sit next to him on the sofa. He wrapped an arm around me and guided my head to rest on his shoulder.
"I don't want to get too personal, but...have you been with anyone since Alex died?" he asked gently. "You've said that you've dated some, but..."
I shifted in his arms a little so I could look up at him. "No, I haven't. For the first year or so, it was all I could do to take care of myself and Gracie. I had to try to figure out who I was, without Alex. I went on a few dates here and there, because I was just so damned lonely, but they were nothing more than company across a dinner table. Then...," I trailed off.
"Then?" he asked, curiously.
I took a deep breath. "Then, I realized I had started developing feelings for someone, but it was very much one-sided. I realized how ridiculous it was about nine months ago, and I've been trying to put him out of my mind and move on since then. I've been dating a little, but nothing serious at all." I chuckled a little, hoping to lighten the mood and shift the subjectaway from Nico. "I'll have you know, sir, those kisses in my driveway the other night were the most action I've had in years."
Liam grinned wickedly. "Is that so?" he asked, cocking a brow. I nodded. "Well, it seems to me that a gorgeous woman like you deserves a little more 'action' than that."
He brought his hand up to lightly cup my cheek, as he leaned in to kiss me. After a few moments, he slipped his tongue inside, and angled his head to deepen the kiss. There was a spark, a tiny little spark, that I could feel begin to buzz in my veins. He put his arms around me and shifted me onto his lap.
He broke the kiss and nuzzled under my ear as I wrapped my arms around his neck. He kept his left arm around my shoulder, and dropped his right arm to my thigh, slowly running it up my hip and coming to rest with his fingers on my stomach under the edge of my silky blouse. He kissed me again, and I moaned softly as I felt his tongue tangle with mine again. He trailed his hand slowly, tentatively, up my stomach to cup my breast, giving me time to pull away if I wanted to. He ran his mouth down along the side of my neck and nudged aside the collar of my shirt so he could lay kisses at the base of my throat and along my collarbone. I could feel the growing bulge under my ass as he shifted a little, and the spark I'd been ever-so-slightly feeling went out.
As he gently squeezed my breast and moved his fingers to slide along the edge of my bra cup, I froze. My body stiffened, as a feeling of complete and utter wrongness hit me. The wave of guilt that immediately followed made me feel like I was drowning in a sea of bad decisions and regret. Oh God, I couldn't do this! What the fuck was I thinking? I felt sick to my stomach as I realized I felt like I was cheating, that I was betraying the man I loved.
Liam removed his hand and shifted me off his lap as he felt the change in me. I was heartsick at what I'd almost done, ashamed of my desperation to feel wanted and needed and desired again. Ashamed that I was using this man, this kind man who had been so gentle with me. I was using him because I couldn't have the man I really wanted. I stared down at my lap, fingers grasped tightly in front of me to keep them from trembling. Liam put a finger under my chin, and gently raised my face to look at him.
"Hey, it's OK. I'm sorry if I moved too fast," he said with concern showing clearly on his face.
I choked out an embarrassed laugh. "No, you didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry. So sorry. I thought I could do this. I thought I was ready to move on. You're so handsome, and funny, and we get along so well, and I thought I was ready, but..." I trailed off.
"But you're not, are you?" he asked gently.
I shook my head sadly. "No, I guess I'm not. I didn't mean to lead you on, and I'm sorry for -"
"You don't need to apologize, babe." Liam interrupted. "You should never feel like you need to apologize to any man for not being ready to jump into bed. You've been through a lot, and it's perfectly natural for you to have doubts about moving on. Now, come on, walk me to the door, and then you get some sleep."
At the door, he leaned over and gave me a kiss on the forehead. "I would love to see you again, when you are ready to try again, OK?" he asked softly.
I nodded. "Thank you, Liam. You are a very special man, and I wish..." I stopped, unsure of what I even wanted to say.
"It's OK. You get some sleep, and I'll be in touch." He dropped a quick kiss on my cheek before leaving.
I headed up to my bedroom, my mind spinning in all directions. I knew I needed to get some sleep. I would need to get up earlier than normal tomorrow to pick Gracie up at my parents' house, because I had to take her to the dentist before I went into work.
I was still tossing and turning in bed, hours later, trying to unravel the tangle of feelings and emotions that had formed a tight ball of tension in the pit of my stomach. The first hints of the sunrise began to creep into the room, and I picked up my phone to check the time for the ninety-seventh time that night.
As I set the phone back down, my gaze landed on the picture of Alex and I that had been setting on my nightstand for years now. I had a brief realization that I rarely noticed the picture anymore. Not that I had forgotten Alex or stopped loving him. Not at all. A part of me would always love him, and I would always remember the all-too-brief years we'd had together. I had a living, breathing reminder of him every time I looked into our daughter's blue eyes. But I'd stopped noticing his picture beside the bed. I'd stopped staring at it, torturing myself by wondering what could have been. I'd stopped talking to it every night, as I'd done for the first year or so. Slowly, without even being aware of it, I hadn't needed him, - or the memory of him anyway - to get me through each day anymore.
But now, I picked it up, and slowly ran my fingertip along the glass, tracing the curve of his smile. "I'm sorry, Alex. I failed you. You wanted me to open myself up to loving someone again, but I screwed up. I screwed it all up, and now I feel like I cheated. Liam is a wonderful man, but I feel so guilty for what I did. Anda little part of me feels even more guilty now, because it wasn't you I felt like I was cheating on. It was Nico."
I held the picture close to my heart for a few minutes and allowed myself a few more tears. Then I carefully tucked the picture into the drawer of the nightstand and forced myself to get up and face the day.
