"Guys, really, it's OK. I'm not torn up about it. I was a little upset last night, but I'm over it. Just let it go, OK?" I shot a look of pure glee Tony's way and began to sing "Let it go, let it go, can't hold it back anymore..."
A look of horror crossed his face, and he waved his arms in front of him in a gesture of surrender. "OK, I'll drop it. Just stop, please," he whined. "Anything but that song! Your daughter made me watch that damned movie three times in a row the last time I came over. The military could use that shit to torture war criminals!"
Michael and I laughed at him. "Oh Tony, I love you. Don't ever change," I said to him with a wink.
The next day, I loved him even more when he called and invited me out for ice cream. Yeah, that's right, Doyle-slick, ice cream. Suck on that, ya big douchnozzle. I got a double scoop, too, just for the hell of it.
Tony and I strolled over to a nearby park, settling on a bench under a shade tree to finish our ice cream. "Have you heard from Doyle the Dick since your date?"
I wrinkled my nose at the memory of him, "Nope, and I don't imagine I will."
"Let me know if you do, and I'll be happy to deal with him," Tony said, still looking pissed off on my behalf.
"OK, change of subject, before this ice cream curdles at the mention of that guy," I said with a chuckle. "Anything new in your life...any special lady you have your eye on?"
He groaned, "God, you sound like my mother. I'll tell you the same thing I tell her - no special lady, sorry." He got quiet and stared at his cup of ice cream as if it would solve all of life's mysteries if he looked hard enough.
I nudged him with my shoulder. "Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be nosy."
"It's OK," he sighed. "It's not that, it's just..."
I waited for him to continue, but he just sat there as the last of his ice cream melted in the cup. "Tony?" I prompted hesitantly. He shot me a quick glance and looked away again.
"Is everything OK with you? You know, I'm always willing to listen if you need to talk."
He put the ice cream down on the bench next to him, and tossed his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close to his side. When he sighed again, and dropped his head to rest on mine, I knew something was going on. I wrapped my arm around his waist and gave him a squeeze, and he began to speak.
"There isn't a special lady. I hook up with them, have sex with them because it's expected, but I never feel anything for them."
I startled at the way he phrased that and pulled away to look at him. "What do you mean, you have sex because it's expected?" I questioned with alarm. "You shouldn't do anything sexual with anyone unless you want to, Tony. No one has the right to expect sex from you -"
"Calm down, Mama Bear," he interrupted with a wry grin. "That's not quite what I meant. Nobody is taking advantage of me, I promise. I just meant that people expect a man my age, in my position, to enjoy the buffet of beautiful women literally throwing their panties at him. It's expected, and it's not that I don't want to have sex with them, I am attracted to them physically, I just don't feel any kind of connection to them beyond that."
"OK, so you don't feel an emotional connection to the groupies you sleep with. I think that's probably pretty common.Maybe find a woman who isn't a groupie?" I suggested, still unclear on why this seemed to be troubling him so much.
He shifted on the bench, turning toward me. He looked at me for long moments, as if he was contemplating something. He dropped his gaze, heaved a big sigh, and looked up to face me again.
"I've only ever felt an emotional connection to the men I've..." he stopped and dropped his gaze again.
"To the men you've slept with?" I finished for him since he didn't seem able to say it.
His gaze snapped back to me so fast, I thought I'd gotten it wrong.
"I'm sorry, I just assumed that's what you were about to say," I quickly apologized.
He gave me a wavering smile, and I realized that he had tears shimmering in his eyes. "Yes, I've only felt an emotional connection to the men I've slept with, or wanted to sleep with anyway."
"I'm sorry, Tony, I shouldn't have just assumed when I asked about a special 'lady' in your life. I didn't realize you're bi," I said, a little stunned that I hadn't known that about a man I'd grown so close to over the years.
"Nobody does, doll. I didn't even fully realize it myself until a few years ago. My...encounters...with men have been very few and far between. I've been too afraid to be recognized, so I've kept anything sexual on the downlow. The guys I've been emotionally attracted to, I've avoided pursuing since they know who I am."
"So, you're not open about your bisexuality with anyone?" I asked.
"Nope, you're it, doll," he said with a small smile.
"But why? Why hide it? I mean, even if you aren't ready to share it with the world, why hide it from us? You have to know none of us would judge you."
"I know. I know you wouldn't. It's just...what am I supposed to do after all these years, just blurt out "Hey guys, I'm into dudes?" His bark of laughter had a bitter edge to it.
