“I know. Baby.”
“I couldn’t stand it. And I don’t know what I’ve done. To either of us. Robin, I don’t fucking know. What have I done?” I can’t speak over the pain in my chest, in my throat, over the tears that come harder than they have in five long years. I’ve thrown it all away. And I’ve done it for him.
“You’re going to die,” I whisper. “You’ll be dead in a month. And all of this…”
“It’s okay,” he whispers, but I hear the break in his voice too.
“I can’t do it. Because he’s not you. And Robin—”
“I know,” he tries to soothe me.
“I don’t think you can know.”
“I do,” he whispers. “Marco…” I pull up to look at him, to see his dark and tear-stained eyes. “I… I wanted to say something. For so long now. I need to… apologize.” I try to turn away, but he brings a hand beneath my chin and holds me. “What I said to you… about you and the Emperor… after the shower…”
‘Remember this moment the next time your emperor is fucking you.’
The words come back on me, the way they have a thousand times over, every time like he’s slipped the knife back into the old wound.
“Stop.” My voice is quiet but firm.
He shakes his head, pressing on. “I was angry. I'm so sorry, Marco. I didn’t realize. I didn’t realize what you were carrying, that whole time. And I wanted to hurt you. Because the thought of you with anyone else made me sick. Because I wanted you. Because I adored you.”
“It was never up to me.”
“I know that. I’ve known that for the longest time. And all I wanted was to take you away from it. If I couldhave—”
“You have.” My hand cradles his face, fingertips edging into his hair as his tears fall to mingle with mine. “It was for you. I couldn’t do it. And, Robin, I can’t stand for you to do it. I think I’ll kill him. If he lays a hand on you, I think I’ll do it.”
“Shhh.” He pulls my head against his neck, strokes his hand over my hair.
“This is too dangerous,” I whisper. “You and me. It’s going to kill us both.”
“No.” He shakes his head, then pulls back and pins me with those stormy eyes that I know now I’d do anything for. “You and me, we’re survivors. We’re going to get out of here alive, both of us. We’re going to make it through this. And one day, we’re going to be together. I promise you.”
I want so much to believe him. I want that dream. I need something to hold on to.
But even Robin can’t realize what I’ve done.
I’ll be lucky if I’m not thrown in the dungeon next to him tomorrow.
Or put in an unwinnable match, executed for the Emperor’s pleasure, and they’ll call it sport.
I’ve lost us this dream.
All because I love him too much.
Chapter thirty-two
Robin: Devastation
“They’re posting the fixtures!” Harlan’s voice cuts through the steam as he bursts into the shower room, water still dripping from his hair. His eyes are wild, frantic.
Max drops his soap. “What? Right now? Before breakfast?”
The shower room erupts. Bodies scramble for towels; feet slip on wet tiles. Water sprays everywhere as men abandon their washing and charge toward the door, half naked and splashing.
Everyone but Cas and me.
