But he quickly catches it. Gives me a fake smile. “Is something wrong?”
“Yes.” The word’s out, and I’m slipping away from him, moving to the center of the living room for all the space I can get from him. “Yes, it’s wrong. It’s all wrong.”
What the fuck am I doing?
My hands are shaking, so I ball them into fists, digging nails deep into my palms.
But I can’t stop it. It’s a revulsion that is nature, and I am not the man I was last time we met. “I can’t do this anymore.”
He pulls tight the robe I hadn’t seen him loosening, crossing the floor in repressed fury. “What do you mean? What ‘this?’”
As if I’m not his whore. As if this is just a normal visit between friends.
“I think, with the season so close to ending, I think I need…”
His eyes draw to two dark slits. But he only watches me, makes me speak on.
“I think I need to take a walk, then sleep. It’s been a lot, with training. And I think you’re right. I think being captain… It’s not something I can do anymore. But as this is my last season, as we agreed, I will see it through. Right up until the last match. And then, when I’m free, I intend to leave Victora.”
“Oh, do you?” He says it on a vicious laugh and my insides crumple.
I know what’s happening. It’s as if I’m watching a man fall from a tall scaffold, down and down and to his death. But I stand here and I watch it. I let it happen. “I will find you a better man for captain. I recommend…”
Robin. It’s on the tip of my tongue. I want the freedom and the safety for him. I want him out of that hole. I want him to have some power, some agency, small as it is. The thought of him trapped in there with Jason and the others for another season, without my protection, makes me ill.
And worse than that, some sick part of me knows Robin’s the only answer that could get me out of this. To promise him Robin’s compliance.
Robin, so beautiful. So desirable. So fresh and popular. Coveted. I know the Emperor wants him. I thwarted him twice, and it’s only my body that stands in the way of it even now.
To promise him Robin in my place…
But every fiber of my being revolts. I can’t ever let Robin go through this—what I’ve dealt with all these endless years. Not once. He’s not going to touch him.
“Max,” I say softly.
The Emperor lowers his brow so deeply it’s almost comical. We both know it’s ridiculous. Max is a nonentity, besides not dying.
Yet I tell him, “He’s ambitious. A good fighter. He’s…”
He will happily fuck you every day for a piece of this luxury.
“So you’ve found me a replacement captain…”
He stalks toward me, and tonight, more than ever, I really think I might murder him. I could do it so easily.
“But that shouldn’t change anything between us…”
His hand lands on my chest, and the room spins.
I’m going to do it. Reach out and crush his windpipe.
Robin. Esme. Maria. Home.
“There is nothing between us.” The words, spoken low, are all that stop me strangling him on the spot. “Beyond friendship,” I add. “It has been an honor to know you, to spend time with you. To serve you, my lord. However, I must plan for my future, and I want the final shows of the season to be the best they can be. To earn that freedom you’re so gracious to bestow upon me. Therefore, I need to rest. To keep my energy in balance for the fight.”
“Keep your energy in balance?” His gaze lowers over me, all at once disgusted and desirous. “Who is it? Who would you rather have warming your bed?”
“No one.” It’s a stupid answer, but it’s already out. “I haven’t replaced you,” I rush to tell him. “It’s… I’m just tired.” And as the admission slips out, so a fire burns at the back of my eyes. “I’m tired. I’m… so tired. It’s been five years…” It feels more shameful than everything I’ve done to cry in front of him. To let him see this weakness. To let him have that too. My last speck of pride. So I shove it down, down in the dark place where all my humanity goes and never comes back. “I don’t want any man. I want to fight. And I want to win. And I want to go home. And that’s what I’m going to do.”
