I swallowed, summoning the courage to do what needed to be done for her sake as well as mine. I couldn’t make this choice for her. I couldn’t make her choose herself or believe in herself…and I definitely couldn’t force her to love herself.
The best I could do was give her the choice and let her decide.
“But,” I said again, slower this time. “I realized something, Collette. I can’t force you into being brave, and I can’t make you see yourself the way that I do.” I took a deep breath and forced out the words, hating the fact that they might hurt her. “I want to be with you, Collette. And I hope that you want me, too. But I’ve realized now that you’ll never be able to trust me if you don’t trust yourself.” My heart ached as I steeled myself against her tears. “You’ll never be able to believe that I love you unless you learn to love yourself.”
She caught her lower lip in her teeth, but I heard the sob she’d tried to stifle.
I pulled her close, hoping to comfort her even though I knew it was me…Iwas the one who was hurting her. I wrapped my arms around her waist and dipped my head, blocking out the scene around us. “I still believe in you, and I’d be honored to be the one at your side when you’re ready to face your fears.”
She sniffed quietly, tears streaming down her face as she stared straight ahead, as if the buttons of my shirt might hold all the answers. I needed her to look at me, to know how serious I was…about her and about us.
I slipped my hand under her chin and tipped her face upward. She hesitated at first, but then allowed me to guide her gaze. I slid my fingers to her cheek so I could wipe away the tears that lingered there.
I reveled in the feeling of her skin against mine. There was so much I wanted to tell her. I wanted to show her just what she meant to me. I felt as if I would burst with emotions.
But I’d already talked too much this evening. I needed to act.
Before either of us could speak, I dipped down and kissed her softly. Her lips were warm and familiar. My whole body heated from her touch. She hesitated for a second but then she parted her lips and kissed me back. She moved closer to me and I responded by pulling her to my chest.
I could feel her hesitation. It cloaked what I knew was hidden deep inside of her. I knew there was a whole other level of passion she was suppressing. I could see it when she danced. She wasn’t just jokes and quippy lines. She was elegance and perfection. If only I could draw that part of her out. If only I could make her feel comfortable enough around me to show that part.
For a second I felt like I couldfeel her heartbeat. She put everything that was holding her back into that kiss and I felt it all—her confusion, her desperation, her wanting to believe.
And as much as I wanted to confirm to her that she would find all of that in my kiss, I knew better. I didn’t hold the answers she was seeking. I would always believe in her—but she needed to believe in herself.
She pulled back first and when she did, she shut her eyes rather than meet my gaze. I could all but feel her pulling away from me, shutting down.
She needed to think. She needed time.
I dropped my arms from around her waist and took a step back. “I’ll be at the auditions tomorrow,” I said.
Her head whipped up and her eyes snapped open. “What?”
“I’ll be there tomorrow,” I said again, hating the fear that was back in her eyes.
“I asked your mother for the slot and I’m not going to bail,” I said. “And I plan on inviting my parents, for the record.”
Her eyes widened and I wanted to reach for her again. But I didn’t. I cared about her so much but I was starting to understand that the best way I could help her was to let her make this decision on her own.
Let her choose if she wanted to follow her dreams, if she wanted to choose herself…if she wanted to chooseme.
“I can’t make you go,” I said. “And if you don’t show, I’ll play my music and make the best of it.”
She was nibbling on her lip again, her eyes a watery mix of confusion and heartache and…and wanting.
She wanted to dance.
“I’ll be there at your side,” I said.
She stared at me for so long that the chords from the next band started up, the sounds of their off-key strumming as they warmed up broke through the silence and made her blink.
I saw it, the moment she made up her mind. She blinked once and then she shook her head. “I can’t, Ethan, I’m sorry.” She started to back away with another shake of her head. “I won’t be there.”
She turned and ran, lost in the crowd in seconds.
My heart seemed to go with her and I was left standing there, hollow. Empty.
She wasn’t just choosing to walk away from auditions, she was choosing to walk away from me. She was choosing her fears and her insecurities rather than take a risk with me.
