My hands tightened on the steering wheel as I started taking in slow breaths, holding them, and then letting the air out slowly. A technique that the therapist I’d seen after Carson’s death taught me.
Whenever I felt panic start to rise in my chest, I used my breathing to calm myself down. Back then, it had worked, but tonight, as I got closer and closer to the bar, it did little to touch the anxiety rising inside of me.
Thoughts of Carson and the life that we had before he passed flashed in my mind. Tears began to prick my eyes, and I blinked with the hope that they would dissipate. But no amount of breathing or blinking seemed to stop anything.
The world was blurring around me, so I quickly took a left into the Godwin’s Grocery parking lot and pulled into one of the nearest spots. I put the car in park and then collapsed back against my seat. I closed my eyes as a sob escaped my lips.
Frustrated with how weak I felt, I slammed my hand over my mouth to stop another cry from escaping.
I wasn’t this weak. I was strong. I was the CEO of a multibillion-dollar company. Why was I terrified of going on a date? Or talking to a man? I was capable of so much in other parts of my life, and yet, I was collapsing in real time.
This wasn’t even a date. It was drinks. And I couldn’t even get it together enough to do that.
I stared at the steering wheel, the lights around me turning to kaleidoscopes through my tears. I closed my eyes as tears slid down my cheeks. I wanted all of this to end. I wanted the board to take back their demand. I wanted to forget Carson’s letter. I wanted the guilt I felt for Timothy growing up as a single child to disappear.
I wanted to crawl back into the hole that had kept me safe for so many years. I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready to move on. At least, not for a man that I barely knew.
I angrily wiped at my tears as they kept flowing. I needed to get my head on straight. I needed to do this for my career, for Carson, and, most of all, for Timothy. He was the one who was suffering the most. Growing up without a father would leave a lifelong scar.
I wasn’t trying to replace Carson—I could never do that. But I could make his absence less poignant. I could give Timothy a semblance of a normal life.
If only I could get it together enough to put the car in drive and get to the bar like I’d planned.
I gripped the steering wheel and took in a few deep breaths. I forced my mind to calm so I could actually go on this date and not show up looking like a crazed, out-of-control woman. I hadn’t dated a lot in my life, but I’d dated enough to know that was not the way to make a good first impression.
After my third deep breath, my phone began to ring next to me. I glanced down and frowned. Who was calling me?
Abigail’s wide smile flashed in my mind. Of course, she was calling. I was sure she was wondering how the date was going.
I picked up my phone and glanced down at the name. My entire body froze. It wasn’t Abigail…it was Noah.
At first I was confused, but then panic quickly set in. Something was wrong with Timothy. That had to be the reason he was calling.
I quickly accepted the call and put it on speaker.
“Hello? Noah? What’s wrong? Is it Timothy?” The words tumbled from my lips. The silence that followed felt deafening as I waited for Noah’s response.
“Emery?”
I sighed, frustration brimming inside. “Yes. Is Timothy okay?” Why was he taking his sweet time responding?
“Timothy?” He paused. “Yeah, he’s fine. He’s sitting right next to me. Are you okay?”
I was already stressed about this date, and the adrenaline that had flooded my entire body from Noah’s call left me shaking and dizzy. “Why did you call?” I asked as I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the headrest.
“You’re parked at Godwin’s Grocery. I thought you were going to a bar.”
I cracked open my eyes and glanced around. How did Noah know where I was? I lifted my head and peered through the window next to me, the back window, and then the windshield.
“Did you follow me?” I glanced down at my phone.
“So, you’re okay?”
Noah did not answer my question, but his inquiry had tears brimming in my eyes once more. I scoffed and shook my head. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied.
When he didn’t respond right away, I glanced back down at the screen just to make sure we hadn’t been disconnected. The call time was still ticking up.
“Emery,” he said, his voice deep as he drew out the syllables in my name.
