“You’re right,” I admitted. “I can’t handle the paranormal aspect of your life because I’m not one myself. But you’ve got the hang of that one. What about the human part? Who’s going to have your back in that department? They can’t help you there. I can. When you’re away from the blood, the violence, their influence, you’ll be—”
“Be what? Human again?” He sniffled a snort. “The two parts go together, Vixen. I can’t go on with my life, pretending I’m the same as before, as if nothing has happened or changed. I’m not you.”
My teeth clenched. “Don’t be a dick.”
“Back at you, Sis. I am a fucking vampire. Deal with it. I’m not going through this whole identity crisis shit all over again, not even for you. Because this isn’t about you. It’s about me. You wanna take care of me, be there for me, you can do it from here, you know? Right in this house.”
“I…I…” My heart squeezed. I couldn’t bring myself to say what he needed me to say. Maybe I was that terrible, selfish, bitter, pompous ass everybody was calling me. Was I disappointed in myself? Yes. Was it going to be any better if I made him a promise I couldn’t keep? No. “I’m sorry, Brother. I just can’t stay here.”
His eyes misted, but he hid them from me. “Then fucking go. Do what you do best. No one is stopping you.”
“Malcolm, I don’t want to leave you. I’m asking you to come away with me. I’m trying—”
“To make it up to me? No. You wanna make it up to yourself, so you can feel good about yourself.” He held my gaze now. “Well, there’s nothing to feel guilty about, Reindeer. Nothing to make up for. I’m good. I have everything I want in this house. I don’t need you here. I have a bunch of brothers out there that will do a much better job at being my family than you’ll ever do.”
His words sliced my soul with a serrated blade. Tears rimmed my eyes, but I didn’t want them to fall now.
“I’ll go get your car,” he said and stomped out.
Only then, I let the tears stream down my face.
CHAPTER 33
VIXEN
I didn’t leave Forest Grove right away. I stayed at a hotel. To process.
The more I thought about it, the more I knew I’d made the right decision. There was no place for a human among the Blood Demons. And the Blood Demons didn’t belong in my world. Whether I liked it or not, my brother was one of them. He made it clear he was no exception.
But why did doing the right thing hurt so badly?
Malcolm and I barely spoke to each other in the past couple of years, but I always knew he was there. Now, I lost him to the darkness he’d become. I was never getting him back.
It hurt.
So fucking much. I felt as if a part of me was cut, and I was left unstitched, bleeding forever.
After another sleepless night, I went to Pattison, intending to quit and just drive to Washington. Then I looked the devil in the eye and figured I shouldn’t lose everything. I might have lost my brother, but one more month, and I’d get what I originally came here to have. All I had to do was suck it up.
Pattison could be the devil or Mother Theresa. That didn’t change a thing. Yes, I’d known him for years, and he turned out to be someone or something else. So did everybody in my life. Russell. Malcolm. The swoon material hunks of the Blood Demons.
There were a million people out there who wore fake masks every day, and no one recognized who they really were. At least, I knew who I was dealing with.
And Malcolm knew about Pattison for a while now. It couldn’t have just slipped his mind not to mention it when I first got here. He only said something when it was convenient. Now, I was going to pretend I didn’t hear it for my convenience.
For the past ten days or so, I barely made any contact with Mad Dog or Terror, even though I saw them every day. Nothing more than receiving the occasional sad smile from Carter and the angry, grumpier than before stare from Luke. Obviously, the good Beastly brother was gloomy that I had left, and the other hated me again.
In my office, I squinted at my laptop, tired and, for the most of it, unhappy and deeply hurt. What Malcolm had said to me rang in my ears like a broken record whenever I had a moment to myself. However, I missed my brother. And despite everything, I missed the boys…demons.
I knew I’d only spent three days with them, but I’d be lying to myself if I said I wasn’t attracted to Slasher or Inferno or Mad Dog or even Terror. Each had their appeal in their own devilicious way. I wondered how it worked if I got to be with all four of them?—It would never happen, but a little fantasy wouldn’t hurt. Bikers shared women all the time, except old ladies. Would these four agree to share me?
I chortled a humorless laugh. With Slasher in the cards, they would probably wind up dead before I laid a hand on any of them.
But if they did share, wouldn’t that be awesome? Four men with muscles their clothes barely contained, covered in tattoos, packing—I had only seen Slasher’s and Inferno’s, felt the outline of Mad Dog’s, but didn’t know anything about Terror’s. If he was as big as his brother, then… I exhaled a moan, a strong clench between my things.
The polyamory paper I was writing with the devil had become more intriguing by the day. What started as a lie turned out to be something I was into, and it was all because of my brother’s forbidden best friends I was crushing on like a high school girl.
Parapsychology was another research topic I’d never thought I’d explore. Perhaps if I understood my brother and his friends better, I’d find my way back to Malcolm. It was a long shot, and I wasn’t sure if he’d said things to hurt me or he actually didn’t want me in his life anymore.
