The answer came when I noticed several of the students were staring at Joshua, hypnotized. Flirtatious smiles. Cute lash batting. Girlfriend snickers.
Yeah, it was definitely the teacher.
I had always been fascinated by the way we communicated with pheromones. Our first instinct toward the opposite sex was to size them up for mating or procreation, sending them a message of our appraisal through body odor.
We were humans, yet deep inside we were all basically animals, fueled with need, trying to survive.
Joshua went through with the lecture, ignoring the lustful glances, and the overacted giggles that burst every time he made a Psychology inside joke.
I, too, ignored it for my sanity. Although the physical attraction I had for Professor Asher was undeniable, our relationship had to be strictly professional.
I really shouldn’t be involved with another professor for obvious reasons. Besides, there was no way I could compete with all these beautiful, young women crushing on him. I was way out of my league here. It’d been so long since I’d been in the game. Except for my students, I’d long forgotten exactly how to be around…people, not just men.
My total fuckup with Joshua was enough proof.
What was I thinking throwing judgments right and left, accusing a man I’d just seen of being another monster like Declan?
Note to self: even if you’ve suffered, you have no excuse to be a bitch.
Second note to self: it’s time to start healing…for real.
I couldn’t let Declan control me anymore. This grip he had on my mind had to be removed. Broken. Sooner than later.
Joshua glanced at me with a hint of a smile every now and then as if making sure I was all right. I hoped it was only a professional gesture, and he, too, wasn’t projecting. I could see it in his eyes, a protective urge of sorts induced by his earlier trauma. I didn’t want to pry earlier or even ask about the kind of trigger he mentioned. Psychosis? Substance abuse? Self-harm?
It could be many things, and they were all unpleasant. Nothing I’d want to be a part of.
But…
As much as I hated the effect Joshua had on me—and the effect I might have on him—part of me wanted to extend it as long as possible. I felt timid and uneasy around him yet intrigued. I had this feeling a man like him saw the world differently; he would show me the world in a way that I never knew existed. And for some reason beyond all logic, even if he was screaming trouble, I believed I’d be safe if he was just there.
The lecture concluded. On the next one, it was his turn to audit, and mine to do what I was born to do.
I made my way to the front of the auditorium and sat my bag on the desk. Then I walked up to the white board and wrote my name. Professor Ferro.
Not Professor Montgomery.
I couldn’t help the grin on my face or the tears forming in the corners of my eyes as I watched my name up there.
For the first time in what had seemed to be forever, I was me.
Everything I’d worked really hard for, everything I’d cried and sweated and bled for had come true today.
Turning to see the young faces heading my direction, I didn’t think I’d ever been happier.
The looks from the male students reminded me of the steamy glances Joshua was receiving earlier from the girls. A myriad of emotions hit me at once. The satisfaction of feeling attractive to eighteen or nineteen-year-olds. It made me feel beautiful and desired even if I’d never act upon such taboo flirtation in any way. Then a certain memory crept to the back of my head and clawed at my heart.
It was my first month as a professor. One of my students had been giving me the ‘I have a crush on you’ face, yet he’d been so polite and never crossed the boundaries I’d carefully set. Until one day, I showed up with a split lip. He approached me after class, his eyes soft, his young face all determination and concern.
“I can help you,” he had urged.
He was so innocent. I lied to push him away, but there had already been rumors. I thought I hid the bruises well. It turned out Declan had been bragging to his friends about the things he did to me.
When lying didn’t work, I begged. I knew if Declan saw him, it would be the end of the boy’s future. And Declan always watched. He had eyes on me everywhere.
The door to the classroom had opened just then, and my monster of a husband was there. My heart sank when my student spun and stood in front of me like he could save me.
I had been so afraid Declan would physically hurt the boy. But all Declan had done at that moment was hide behind a psychopath’s sickening smile and linked arms with me, escorting me out.
