I miss him. How did I wait this long to hear his words?Hear the kindness and gratitude he has toward our lives? Our family? Our childhood together?
I have regrets. I was a coward who couldn’t bear the thought of knowing what my own flesh and blood was thinking at a time so gruesome in his life.
But hearing Ben reflect on everything? Fuck, it kills me to imagine him writing this. Knowing his time on this earth was almost up and he had to mentally prepare himself to say goodbye.
Let alone write about it.
I can run through all the normal things to feel about death—the guilt, what I should have done, should have said differently. But what I really should have done was give Ben the benefit of the doubt.
Why would I ever expect him to want anything less than the best for me? He never wanted me to marry the love of his life because he feared her being alone.
That would mean she came first.
This letter proves the strength he and I have always had in our brotherhood. The kinship we shared. The trust and bond that never in our life was risked or altered.
Ben wanted my happiness before anyone else. I never knew about his life insurance policy. My parents never mentioned it. I’m assuming they know, but expected I didn’t want to talk about it until I was ready.
That’s my guess at least.
But for the past two years, I’ve tortured myself with my own conflicts. Going back and forth on doing what I thought was right versus what IthoughtBen would consider wrong.
When all along, this letter held the answers to everything. The clarity I needed to do right by him. I just never expected it to be simple.
But then again, it’s Ben. Everything with him was black and white. Right from wrong. No room for gray.
“I’m right here, okay. You’re not alone, East. I’m right here.” Collie’s whispers comfort me. She holds me close, providing me with a strength I don’t have on my own at the moment.
I’m not sure how long the shivers tremble through me. It’s been years since I’ve cried, and it makes perfect sense. I never truly grieved Ben’s death, and this feels like losing him all over again.
The way Collie’s voice echoes through the small space between us, I can practically hear it as Ben’s. Us having a conversation—even the hard ones, where he tells me how badly I fucked up, or I tell him to get off his ass and do something.
It was our dynamic. Which makes every word on that letter feel more true than ever. I lost sight of life after he died. Lost sight of who I was. I spent years perfecting my craft as a lineman, then taking care of Ben during his sickness while I wasn’t working, then straight to caring for his grieving fiancé.
But I never fully grieved, myself. Yes, I was sad and processed his death by logic. It doesn’t take much to do that, especially when someone you love is no longer here physically.
But the emotional side of losing Ben? Well, I’m grieving that part right here and now.
“Fuck, Cols. I miss him so badly.”
“He’s right here. Right here.” She holds her palm to the right side of my chest. “Every day, he’s with you.”
I nod frantically because I know she’s right. He is. Ben has never left me. But living life without your twin feels like living without the ability to feel. To experience human senses. Touch. Sight. Smell. Sound.
What’s the purpose of living if you can’t do it the way it was intended to be?
“It feels cruel to be happy without him here. He should be here,” I wail.
My chest hurts.
“I know. I know.” Collie weeps alongside me. For me. I feel her care without having to say it.
There’s nothing she can say and I appreciate that. She lets me unravel without trying to fix me. There’s something to be said about a woman who knows when to surrender the last word.
“All this time…” I exhale through sobs. “All this time I could have done more. Been more. Made a difference. An impact in honor of him. But instead, I almost married his fiancé. How did I get here?”
I know I’m self-sabotaging, but it’s how I reflect on my choices. It’s how I grow as a person.
“You’re right where you should be, Easton. You didn’t know what was in his letter and you fought yourself from opening it for protection. But now, you know Ben’s heart behind it all. You can have the peace you’ve always wanted.”
