“Fuck,” I hiss, the pleasure too much. Too good.
It takes me a moment to relax, but when I do, the guilt hits. Guilt not only for getting myself off and watching her, but also for seeing my brother’s face in the background.
Fucking Ben.
Would he be disappointed in me for being here and not back home with his girl? Doing the one thing I promised him I’d always do?
I honestly don’t know what he would think, and that’s what tears me up inside. I need to get out of this van. I also need to stop being a little bitch and read his letter.
But again, I know I won’t because then I’ll be forced to grieve more than I already have. And Ben and I both know I’ve half-assed that since he left this earth.
I’m aware I’m always the one saving people. But why do I suddenly feel like I’ve needed it more than anyone else all along?
Knock. Knock. “Top of the morning, lovebirds.”
The fuck?
I still, eyes bulging at the sound of Sheila tapping the camper door. Collie stirs beside me, and I can’t get up because my sweatpants are full of cum.
“Morning, Sheila,” I groan, fighting to hide the embarrassment in my voice.
Her full laugh is all I hear before she says, “I’m a mornin’ in the sheets kinda girl myself. I’ll just leave the bear spray and schedule for ya right here, my darlin’.”
Jesus Christ.
Collie and I have done everything we can to avoid Sheila and Dirty Dan, but somehow they find a way to make themselves known in the most inconvenient times.
Like now, for instance.
“Thanks, but no thanks,” I holler back, finding Collie’s eyes on me as I look down. I don’t think Sheila heardanything. I was quiet and in the privacy of our camper. But just in case, I shout, “And mind your business, woman.”
Collie sends me a sweet smile and giggles. “She’s persistent.” Her soft voice is laced with sleep.
I shake my head. “I think irritating is a better word.” I peer out the camper window, confirming Sheila’s retreat, and turn back toward Collie. “I’m gonna go shower. We’ve got a long day today.”
She nods, looking at me with uncertainty, but doesn’t pry. “Okay.”
And I shuffle out the hatch on a one-track mind to clean myself up and beg for the forgiveness I know I’ll never get.
“Do you ever wear clothes?”
“Do you ever smile?” Collie retorts, holding up her hot chocolate like it gives her life. It’s freezing outside, so I’d have to agree.
“Occasionally.”No.I rarely do anymore. Nothing worth smiling for. But she doesn’t need to know that.
“Then I occasionally wear clothes.” She sends me a smile that I know from experience is of defiance and not compassion.
I take a sip of mine. “It’s nearly twenty degrees out, Collie.” The walking temptation is in a pair of cotton shorts with a blanket thrown over her legs—thankfully, she accepted that layer of warmth I insisted she use.
Stubborn woman. But unfortunately for me, her jacket lies haphazardly across her shoulders, revealing the flush of her creamy chest underneath.
Not fucking warm enough.
Not to mention, I don’t need to see her. Not when her skin resembles satin, and her freckles inch across the slopes of her slender frame, begging me to follow them with my tongue.
My beautifulfakewife with dainty flowers in her hair. Dainty? Such a contradiction of a word for a woman who’s a sublime force.
What is going on with me? I’m falling apart. Never once with Sydney was I tempted to touch another woman. I was faithful to her despite never loving her romantically.
