Present Day
Nothing about this feels right.
I can’t…I can’t do it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Here it is. My moment of clarity.
The split second in time I’ve been hopelessly praying for my emotionally deceived brain to recognize. Hit me like a ton of bricks and woke me up from a blind slumber.
The moment the portable set of white doors opens, I know.
I can feel it. How wrong this is. How wrongsheis for me.
It’s upon seeing Sydney’s smile as she walks toward me with her arm linked through her father’s that I freeze. My entire spirit falls dead to the man I am—the man I’ve become.
I know the moment she sees it, too.
That’s not my future wife walking toward me. That’s my dead brother’s first love, and nothing about this is right.
Without warning, I raise my hand to the officiant, hoping my sick expression and stiff frame will tell him what my lack of words can’t.
I’m not getting married today.
“If…” He stares at me in question but doesn’t attempt to stop me as I slowly give him my back. “If you would excuse the groom for a moment. We will continue with the ceremony shortly.”
No, we most certainly will not.
Before I can escape, I turn toward Sydney one last time, hoping she can read me. Fuck. We’ve known each other since diapers. Please read me, Syd. I need to tune out the devastation of our guests, the mumbled whispers making me feel like a coward. Pain overtakes my presence, and I’m lucky I haven’t fallen to my knees by now. Sydney knows me well enough to see I’m crumbling. At least, I hope she does.
Please see it.
“I just need a minute,” I announce, but it’s more like a whisper, with my eyes locked on hers. I expect to see shock on her beautifully painted face, but all that’s there is concern.
“East.”
That’s all it takes before I’m gone, nodding my head for her to follow. I hustle to the barn just beyond the outdoor vineyard, dodging tables and chairs under the reception tent on my way there.
I’m ashamed.
Just like I hoped, I spot Sydney behind me, not giving a damn about trampling her wedding dress through iced dirt. She catches up, frazzled and confused as I enter the barn.
Sydney and her bridesmaids used this space to get ready and take photos beforehand. All the shit women are supposed to do prior to their wedding ceremony.
The wedding I just blew to pieces and is likely tainted forher indefinitely. Women dream about their wedding day. How fucking tragic.
“East,” she huffs out, strong and surprisingly steady.
I can’t breathe. I feel like I could puke, and my insides turn sour. What am I doing? Is this what my life has amounted to? Running away from my fears while terrified to let anyone I love down?
Resting my hands on my knees, I focus on settling my heavy breathing. If I can muster the energy to turn around, I can talk to her. Talk this out however she needs. Explain what I’m thinking and try to determine where we go from here.
The last thing I want is for her to think she’s the problem. Ending things the right way is the only option…even if I have no clue what that means.
But I do know Sydney deserves that. My brother deserves that.
I need to explain. Yet, something about the furrow in her brow tells me she already knows.
So, I begin to rise, giving her my full attention. The moment we make eye contact, tears burst from her eyes. “Oh, Easton. I know.” She nods her head, shuffling forward and pulling me into a hug. “It’s okay.”
