And the truth is, I can’t. I’m struggling to think of any memories that aren’t suddenly presenting themselves in a new light. Ever since the photos disappeared from my phone, I’ve found that I’m remembering the old times with much more clarity and much less rose tint. After that initial burst of attraction, I started to find Hamish’s self-centred attitude really hard to handle. The fact that he was so entitled that he didn’t stop to consider things from other people’s perspective. The way he loved that I’d had atough upbringing but only because it made him, by proxy, seem like he was stepping outside his gilded box.
‘I might get a sandwich for the journey,’ he says. ‘Could you wait here with my bags?’
Hamish doesn’t wait for me to respond before bounding off.
Looking around the Heathrow of ten years ago is a strange experience, I can tell you. The adverts are all so familiar but for brands I haven’t thought about in years. Everyone’s dressed in slightly outdated clothes, and it’s actually nice to see people not utterly glued to their phones like they are today. I spot a few people holding iPhones up to their ears and remember how diddy they used to be. My current-slash-future one is basically a laptop in comparison.
Ah, a simpler time.
I was so optimistic back then, too. So excited about my future. I can feel that excitement now, in among the heartache as I stand next to Hamish’s huge suitcase, a rising sense of possibility for what was to come.
Hamish is having a long chat with the person at the till so I sit down on his suitcase, mind turning to the things I have achieved. I’m proud of myself for getting to where I am today-slash-ten years into the future. If we just ignore the whole Monday loop blip, everything had been going so well. Head of event planning at Kat Moretti! A gorgeous flat-share in London with my best friend. God, I’ve been lucky. It dawns on me that none of that would have happened if I’d somehow stayed with Hamish. He’d never have moved to London, for a start. And oh how I love this city! It makes me feel so alive, so vibrant, as if at any moment you could stumble upon something super fun to do, or some cool kids to hang out with, and they wouldn’t mind a jot if I called them cool kids because they’d smile fondly at me like I was an adorable granny figure.
My mind immediately gravitates towards Callum. To how, a few Mondays back, he’d rudely suggested that I was not one of thecool kids and I’d been too blinded by his beautiful biceps to come up with a convincing retaliation.
Argh. Callum. I’m desperate to see him, not least to discuss that he seems to be on this journey with me, but today, Fate has handed me a different card. Plonking me straight back into a scene from my past, forcing me to see the mistakes I made first-hand. It’s been an eye-opener.
‘Are you … crying?’ Hamish asks, looking horrified.
I’d forgotten that he was the kind of man who simply cannot deal with any display of emotion.
‘Happy tears,’ I sniff, getting up off his suitcase. ‘Just thinking about how much I love this city.’
‘London? You’ve literally been twice.’
Oh yes.Think ten years ago, Nina!
‘Sure, but you know how much I want to live here.’
‘I don’t get it.’ He shakes his head. ‘It’s so busy. And dirty. And the air is thick with …’
‘Possibility?’
‘I was going to say shite.’
I’m afraid this tips me over the edge. How dare he be so rude about my beautiful London? I’ve had it with Hamish. I can’t believe how much of his ridiculousness I’ve managed to block out these past ten years. Honestly, at this point, I can barely remember why we got together in the first place, let alone why I thought he was my ticket out of here.
A sudden clarity fills my mind and it’s like the fog has lifted, a light in the dark has been switched on. I can see, properly see, for the first time in days. Maybe, probably, years.
I have got to let go of the past.
Which is ironic, because I am stuck on a hamster wheel of the past as we speak. What I mean is, I’ve got to stop obsessing over what could have been. My past clearly doesn’t hold the answers and if I keep comparing every man I meet to Hamish and even they fall short, then what kind of man am I dating in the firstplace?! Horror shows, the lot of them. All this time I thought that the answer to my problems lay with Hamish. He was the perfect boyfriend. Going back was the dream option. And now here I am, literally back where it all started, and it is crystal clear that Hamish is solving none of my problems.
He was the problem to begin with.
Yes, that’s it! All this time spent obsessing over the one that got away means I haven’t stopped to smell the roses. I haven’t been allowing myself to fully embrace my life because I’d got stuck on this Hamish glitch. He’s not the answer to anything! He most definitely is not the man for me.
And, now that I think about it, I’m convinced he cannot be my way out of this Monday merry-go-round, either.
I turn with wide eyes towards the man I’ve had on a pedestal for so long, seeing him in a completely fresh way. A decade spent giving so much meaning to someone who didn’t deserve it. The realization knocks the breath out of me.
‘This is me,’ says Hamish as his flight is called. ‘I’d better go through.’
‘Okay,’ I sniff, voice wobbly with the reality of it all.
‘It’s okay, dude. There, there. I’ll be in touch.’ Naturally Hamish believes I’m almost-crying over him.
‘Listen, Hamish,’ I say, grabbing his hands. It’s time to be honest, for both our sakes. ‘You should go.’
