‘Well … I do agree that it’s important to look after yourself,’ I splutter. ‘But not at the detriment of others, right? You could have got in touch, just to tell me where you were at. Even just as a courtesy, Hamish. I know it would have been a difficult conversation but I needed that. You said you’d be in touch and you weren’t and that was super damaging to me.’
Argh, we’re steering way off course here. How am I going to pull this back? How do I get us back to the beautiful bit where we were connecting again? When all I really want to do is give him a major dressing-down for being such a selfish prick.
Should I even be trying to get back on track?
I dismiss that unhelpful thought immediately. I wasted a whole day flying business yesterday and got not one inch closer to escaping this loop. Hamish has been sent here for a reason, I know it. I’ve just got to unlock our past glory days.
‘I am truly sorry for that,’ Hamish is saying. ‘I did love you, you know that, right?’
‘Did you?’ I blurt out the question as the unwelcome truth hits me square in the face. ‘I don’t think you’d have treated me like that in the first place if you loved me.’
‘That’s not true. I think I’ve always loved you, actually. No one has compared to you. But in that moment, when I stepped off the plane with nothing but my hopes and dreams in my back pocket, I chose to love myself more.’
In spite of everything, I just can’t help myself from calling out: ‘Urgh! You’re so annoying! You chose to love yourself more? Can you hear how selfish that sounds, Hamish? I was devastated! And all this time I’ve been torturing myself over what happened. Why you did what you did. And it turns out there’s no good reason! I’m so cross.’
‘Would you like one of my natural calming gummies?’ The deodorant-averse man next to me has clearly been listening in. He leans forward with some sludge-brown, sticky-looking sweets in his hand. ‘I made them myself.’
‘Thanks, man! That’s a great idea for you, Nee,’ Hamish says cheerfully.
I turn my face of thunder back to Hamish.
‘Thank you, but I’m good,’ I say to the man I doused in deodorant. ‘I don’t need to calm down.’
‘You sort of do, bro. Your cheeks have gone red and you’re almost shouting. Oh my Godthat’sit.’ Hamish clicks his fingers like he’s been struck by a great idea. ‘I’ve been trying to put my finger on what’s different about you. It’s your hair, you never used to wear it down. It’s gone all puffy now that you’re cross.’
‘Will you stop calling me bro?’ I’m spiralling. ‘I’m not your bro, your mate or your dude. I am your ex-girlfriend and it’s completely acceptable for my hair to go “puffy” considering I’ve just found out that the reason you ghosted me is simply that you were being selfish.’
Hamish holds his hands up in surrender.
I try to breathe, which isn’t easy when you feel like screaming. My jaw is clenched so tight my teeth ache.
‘Everything okay, Moss?’
I look up to find Callum walking down the aisle towards us. He is scanning me, concern etched across his face. My cheeks burn in frustration and I let out an exasperated huff in lieu of a reply.
‘Can I help?’ Hamish looks Callum up and down.
‘I wasn’t talking to you,’ Callum says, gaze flicking briefly to Hamish before returning to me.
‘Do you know this dude?’ Hamish asks me.
Callum turns his attention back to Hamish, and I watch as that charming smile returns. Notice that it does not reach his eyes.
‘I’m Cal, a friend of Nina’s.’
The word friend snags on my befuddled thoughts.
‘Right,’ says Hamish warily. ‘Nina and I go way back. Hamish McKellan.’
‘Good to meet you, Hellish,’ replies Callum. At least, it sounds a lot like he says Hellish but he does it so quickly it’s almostimpossible to tell. ‘I’m afraid I’m here to steal Nina away from you.’
‘We’re kind of in the middle of something,’ Hamish retorts, crossing his legs.
‘I noticed,’ Callum says pointedly.
I, apparently, have lost the ability to speak. Watching Callum standing there in all his hot-model-goes-travelling glory is doing so many things to my insides. He rolls his broad shoulders back as he continues to eyeball me. He knows I’m upset. He can tell. Meanwhile Hamish is watching me too and I get the unsettling impression that worlds are colliding and the only possible outcome is extinction.
‘As you can see, Nee is fine,’ Hamish says eventually, and I realize I still haven’t replied to Callum’s question.
