Ciao for now, Kat
Callum Bang is coming to Australia?
CALLUM BANG.
Thunderstruck, I glower at the email until Kat’s words become a jumble of letters dancing before my eyes. My jaw is set and I’m gritting my teeth when someone behind me reminds me to keep moving.
I bumble forward, coaching myself to take some deep breaths and also to try to unclench my butt cheeks. A look around confirms that there are no signs of Ashton Kutcher. Damn it. Plus, my boss isn’t much of a prankster. ‘Ciao for now’ is usually the only annoying thing about Kat, until, that is, she fired a Callum Bang-shaped grenade right into this trip.
‘Argh,’ I mutter, squeezing my phone so hard that it pops out of my hand in protest and lands on the floor.
I scoop down to pick it up, mind reeling.
Callum regularly sweeps the board at my Most Annoying Human on the Planet awards. If medals were bestowed for dedication to the pursuit of being an absolute bellend, he’d be highly decorated. And now I find out that this master of infuriation will be joining me on a long-haul flight to the other side of the world?
Just the two of us. On a work trip. To Australia.
I feel sick.
This cannot be happening.
I’m a lover, not a fighter, but if there is one thing I very much hate on this beautiful planet of ours, it is Callum Bang.
Reasons Why I Hate Callum Bang
Oh, let me count the ways. He’s a nepo baby for a start. Kat is his aunt and I am certain that he strolled into his job at Kat Moretti for that reason alone. While the rest of us have had to slog away from junior positions, spending our early years making endless cups of tea and getting well acquainted with the photocopier, Callum Bang nonchalantly walked into his head of department role at the end of last year with, as far as I can gather,no prior experience.
Is there anything more maddening that seeing someone glide so easily into a position which you worked incredibly hard for? To make matters infinitely worse, it turns out he actually is good at his job. Attentive, creative, always nailing the brief. The tiniest part of me begrudgingly admires Callum’s work ethic but I’d sooner peel off my own skin than tell him that, what with him being the human equivalent of a cancelled train and all.
It doesn’t help that everyone else in the office bloody loves him. He slotted in beautifully with the rest of the team and was on first-name terms with everybody within a day. I thought I was popular until Callum came along and people were practically tripping over themselves to become his best mate. I have put this down to the fact that he is endlessly enquiring about the health of random relatives and loved ones.
‘Morning, Jan! How’s your neighbour’s cat doing? Any news?’ That’s how Callum began last Friday in the office, asking after our accountant’s neighbour’s cat. I remember bristling, as I often do in Callum’s presence, because I was annoyed that I hadn’t been up to speed on all the felines in Jan’s vicinity.
Naturally Jan was thrilled and spent a long portion of Friday morning telling Callum all about Cheddar Gorge (the cat, not the place).
‘So glad to hear Cheddar Gorge is on the mend,’ he beamed,genuinely thrilled and flashing his perfect white teeth as Jan finally came to the end of her story.
‘Do you have cats, Cal?’ Jan had asked.
‘Sadly not, I’m allergic. Besides, I can barely look after myself!’ He said self-effacingly.
Jan, by now putty in his hands, had found this hilarious.
I, on the other hand, couldn’t help but tut because it was such obvious crap. Maybe not the allergy thing, but the barely looking after himself thing? Tosh. There is no man better turned out than Callum Bang. He steps into the office each morning sporting his go-to look, which is Hot Male Model Visits the Library. Tortoiseshell glasses, dark floppy hair, a smattering of perfectly trimmed stubble lining his strong jawline.
Infuriating.
The most awful thing about him is the reaction he elicits in me. I’m usually so perky, but Callum has this nail-scraping knack of bringing out the very worst in me. Probably because, for reasons unknown, he is charming and engaging with absolutely everybody on earth apart from me. To me, he is rude, offhand, pedantic and quite frankly, vexatious as hell. I do not know what I did to deserve this behaviour but it’s been this way from the moment we met.
My hands are balled into fists as I near the scanner. I can’t believe we have to endure one another’s company for the next seven days. Put simply, I don’t want to!
I just need to call Kat, explain that I’ve got this trip covered and absolutely don’t need Callum Bang coming along to hold my hand. (Shudder at that thought). My flights alone were eye-wateringly expensive, why double it? We’ll save the company loads of money by letting me go alone. That’s it, I’ll appeal to her financial brain. Maybe even copy in Jan from accounts, she’s bound to be keen on my cost-saving approach. Also, Kat knows I can do this alone.
Doesn’t she?
A tiny seed of doubt lodges itself in my brain. Why is she insisting on Callum coming along? After all, I’m the one who’s spent the most time with Clio and Brody as we plan their engagement party. Sure, Callum’s been patched in on the odd Zoom meeting. And yes, I suppose they did seem to really like him and his stupid design ideas. Butstill.
‘You can’t make a call while you’re going through security,’ says a member of staff as I reach the bag scan. ‘All electrical items need to be in a tray.’
