Violet moves over to take some pictures with her fans and the paps start shouting at me for being in their shot. I do an awkward ducking down move as I back out of their way, accidentally knocking into someone as I go.
‘Oops, sorry!’ I say, turning to face. . .
OH HOLY BALLS it’s Chip. And he has a blonde bombshell on his arm.
‘Jasmine,how nice to see you again,’ he says with a foppish smile.
‘Chip,whatare you doing here?’ I hiss, head snapping back to Violet to see if she’s spotted her ex yet. She’s busy signing autographs but she’s going to lose her shit when she realises what is happening. Ever since Chip’s roaming penis put an end to her plans for tonight to be their first formal event together, Violet’s been planning to steal the limelight with her post-breakup makeover, so Chip’s arrival with a new lady on his arm couldn’t be worse timing. What an absolute knob he is.
One of the event organisers shepherds Chip and his plus one in front of the photographers before he has a chance to answer me and though Violet’s back is still turned, Emmy has cottoned on. She’s frozen on the spot and I lunge towards her.
‘We have to get Violet off this carpet before she spots him,’ I say.
‘But how? Look at her, she’s loving it. She’s been looking forward to this moment for weeks.’ Emmy’s eyes widen in panic.
‘You need to persuade her to go inside. If she sees Chip she’s going to do something wildly embarrassing with half of London’s paps watching!’
Emmy bites her lip. ‘How am I going to do that?’
‘Tell her that Ryan Reynolds is here and has asked to meet her personally.’
‘Won’t she question what a Hollywood A-Lister is doing at a British bloggers party?’
I give Emmy a look. We both know that in Violet’s head, it would be totally plausible for a Hollywood hunk to a) have heard of her and b) be desperate to meet her.
‘Yeah, okay. I’ll give it a go. But I feel awful lying to my best friend.’
‘Emmy, you are sweet but right now you need to woman the fuck up.’ I edge her and her mermaid’s dress closer to Violet. ‘A little white lie now is going to save a whole heap of shit later, okay?’
Emmytakes a deep breath and goes to whisper in Violet’s ear. I watch as my boss’s cheeks turn a pretty pink as she learns that Ryan Reynolds wants to hang out. I feel bad, but not as bad as she’ll feel if she ends up becoming the first influencer to brutally murder her ex-boyfriend at a red carpet event. I can see the headlines now.
Toff Turns Toxic: Irate influencer terminates TV star over lover’s tiff.
Gulp.
Actually, I think it’s going to be okay. Violet is handing a phone back to one of her fans and turning towards the entrance of tonight’s ceremony, which is being held at a v swanky building in Marylebone. Chip and Bombshell are now a little behind her, still posing for photos. I will Emmy to keep Violet moving forward. Chip’s laughing with his beautiful plus one as they pose. He takes a step back and accidentally lands on his date’s floor-length dress, causing her to wobble on her super high heels. He steadies her by grabbing her waist and plants a kiss on her lips while she’s in his arms. The crowd of onlookers are loving it and their cheers get louder. The paps can’t get enough of this PDA either and their cameras click, flash, click, flash. Violet and Emmy are so, so close to entering the venue.
But Violet’s heard the commotion.
She turns her head slowly to see what all the fuss is about.
A panicked Emmy shouts, ‘THE PROPOSAL’ and a string of other Reynolds films in her best bid to drag Violet the last few steps inside, but it’s fruitless. Violet has already turned back towards the red carpet.
I watch her face as she sees Chip kissing the beautiful woman in his arms.
Her smile drops.
One photographer has already picked up on Violet’s reaction.
She’slifting up her train. She’s marching back towards Chip. Oh please no, she’s going to kill us all, isn’t she? My life starts flashing before my eyes and I realise that most of the highlights are from this summer. Real Talk with Ralph. Charlie the Courageous. Hot DAMN, Harry!
I try to draw my head into my body like a frightened tortoise. Chip should really be doing the same but the poor fool has wildly underestimated his ex-girlfriend. He’s smiling at her, hands wide in greeting. I want to shout ‘RUN CHIP RUN’ but I don’t because I also think he deserves whatever it is Violet now has in store for him.
She bats his hands away. She gives him a look which would categorically kill a small animal. And then in a loud, clear voice which cuts across the background noise, she says many, many brutal things about his lack of abilities in the bedroom. The entire red carpet goes quiet. Even Chip looks ruffled. I have a hunch that #ChipsTinyChopper and #BooThatsNotHowYouDoIt will be trending within minutes.
Even a wet tissue couldn’t fix the mascara river running down Violet’s face so I sent an emergency text to her make-up artist, who has mercifully appeared and is saving the day one brush stroke at a time. We’re all gathered in the plush toilets, Violet perched on a velvet chair while Emmy and I try to cheer her up.
‘Why is Chip here? He’s not even an influencer. And who the heck isshe?’ Violet fumes.
