I try not to scrunch my face up. Chip’s underwear of choice is white boy pants. Who knew?
‘Actually no, his ridiculous children’s underwear isn’t the main problem. Do you know how I found out? Stupid sodding Allegra. She’s the worst bit. She’s been jealous of our relationship from the start so I knew something was up when she just “popped over” for a chat at the wedding reception on Saturday. Allegra never pops anywhere. To make matters worse, she had that new Balenciaga bag I’ve been dying to get my hands on,’ Violet clenches her fists in a blind rage before refocusing. ‘I didn’t think we started filming the new series until later this week but then the camera crew were setting up in a corner of the marquee and focusing on Allegra and me. I went along with it, because obviously I was so happy when they asked me to be a full-time member ofTotally Toffsand I wanted to get my first scene just right.’ Violet got the good news a couple of weeks back and she’s been even more incredibly. . . Violet ever since. #Grittingteeth. ‘Thankfully I’d been for a blow-dry that morning so my hair was looking fabulous. But I had no idea it was going to be so savage. . .’
Violetlets out a hiccough-cry. I fish around in my bag and pull out an emergency bag of Maltesers, sliding them in front of her. She pops one in her mouth and carries on.
‘So then stupid sodding Allegra was pretending to be my best friend as soon as the cameras rolled and then she announced that she heard “from a friend” that Chip had been cheating. Stupid sodding Allegra doesn’t even have any friends! I got a bit upset and when I managed a quiet word with Steve, the scriptwriter, he confirmed that everything she said was true. Literally none of it was scripted. Even the bit where Allegra told me that Chip had been boffing that girl in my bed. MY BED!!!’
Damn that’s nasty.
Even beautiful, calm Emmy has wrinkled up her perfect nose.
‘I feel like such an idiot! I knew going on the show would open me up to difficult stuff but I thought I’d just end up arguing with some people. I thought Chip and I were solid!’ Violet’s properly crying now and Emmy tries to feed tissues up through her veil.
‘And do you want to know the worst bit?’
‘I thought we’d already had the worst bit?’ Emmy’s confused. ‘Chip’s underpants? No, wait, it was stupid sodding Allegra. Hang on, no, was the worst bit her Balenciaga bag?’
‘It’s all of those things. . . and more,’ Violet says darkly. ‘The Influencer of the Year Awards are coming up and Chip was going to be my plus one. I’m up for the top award and now I’m going to have to go solo!’
‘I’ll be there, Vi,’ Emmy attempts to rally. She’s up for vlogger of the year, btw, and I think she’s a shoe-in.
‘I know,’ Violet gives a tiny smile. ‘But I wanted my celebrity boyfriend on my arm! I had it all planned out. Jasmine was going to capture every moment, from us getting ready together to our first steps on the red carpet as a couple. It was going to be our first publicevent together. A huge deal! I could already see us splashed across the magazine websites the next morning! We were going to be the new Harry and Meghan! Only Chip isn’t a red head. He’s tall, dark and handsome. . . just my type.’
As her sobs subside, she sips at her tea.
‘You know Chip didn’t like matcha?’ she eventually says with a small smile.
‘What an idiot,’ I rally.
‘That’s the spirit!’ chimes in Emmy, today’s hot pink hair falling over her eyes in her enthusiasm. ‘You know what we should do? List all of his failings. That will make you feel better. So far we’ve got his awful underpants and the fact that he doesn’t drink matcha. Fool. What else?’
Violet looks up to the ceiling.
Then she stares up there a bit more.
And a bit more.
‘Violet?’ I nudge.
‘He. . . Didn’t. . . Have. . . Any. . . Other. . . Failings,’ she sobs.
‘That can’t be right.’
‘But he didn’t! He was literally my perfect guy. He was just my type. He ticked absolutely every single box and now he’s g–g–gone. . .’
Suddenly my mind’s taken me back to that flight to Cannes, when Violet listed her type on paper and it was a carbon copy of mine, only with fitter, more idiot guys. I remember thinkinghot damn, I have the same type as my bat-shit boss?Back then, Mila had only justdemandedsuggested that I throw out my rulebook and I was allLOL good one, like I’ll have the time for dating this summer, let alone guys I don’t actually fancy.And yet here I am, having been on five dates with ‘different’ boys. And sure, some ofthem have been bad. Even though I loved date three with Al Fresco Alessandro, I do not like how he now thinks I’m a crazy attention seeker. And Too Much Thierry had such potential as date number one until he turned into a lech. But though date two, Pie with my IT Guy, didn’t get my temperature soaring Arnie has helped me in so many ways since then. Real Talk with Ralph was quite the sizzler and an eye opener, too, and whenever I think of the weekend with number five, Charlie the Courageous, a huge smile spreads across my face. Watching Violet right now has made me stop and really appreciate this man mission of mine. Because sure, I haven’t found ‘The One’, but also sure, I haven’t felt like Violet looks in a long time. The thought pulls me up.
‘Violet, do you think your type might be the problem here?’ I suggest. ‘Only, I had this exact conversation with my friend Mila a while back. Do you remember when I got dumped by James on the London Eye?’
She turns to me, lifting her veil ever so slowly.
‘Well, I wonder whether it would be worth you thinking outside the box when it comes to your next boyfriend. That’s what I’ve been doing and it’s actually been pretty freeing. It’s awful to be dumped and I feel so sorry for you, so I thought. . .’
‘Jasmine,’ Violet cuts me short. ‘The minute I need to take advice from you is the minute I call it quits and turn into a hermit, thank you very much. Firstly, I did not get dumped. Chip and I decided to consciously uncouple after a heart-to-heart at the wedding this weekend. So please, don’t do me the disservice of thinking that you and I are alike. Or, worse still, thatyoucan givemeadvice. Because we’re not and you can’t.’
I’m so in shock that I’m just staring at her with my mouth hanging open.
‘Violet, come on, there’s no need to be mean,’ says Emmy.
