Suddenly my brain’s in freefall. I like James and of course I can see it happening in a couple of years. He’s exactly my type, after all. But now? It’s way too soon and we don’t know each other well enough yet. I can’t be saying ‘I do’ when I don’t even know if heprefers thick-cut chips or skinny fries. Ketchup or mayo. Country walks or city strolls. Crime dramas or comedy box sets. Oh my goodness I’ve lost my tiny mind. I’m wondering if I have time to sneak off and google HOW TO TURN DOWN MARRIAGE PROPOSAL AND NOT GET DUMPED when we start to move and it’s too late, I’m trapped in a see-through egg on a giant hamster wheel with a man who may or may not be about to spectacularly balls up our relationship.
James’s conversation has not improved since we started circling over London. As if in solidarity, the weather has got progressively worse too. Giant ink-grey clouds have clustered over us and huge rain drops are pummelling our capsule. Meanwhile James is looking more thunderous than he did when we met by the river and I am so on edge that my palms have started to sweat. It’s really not the ideal date look. I imagine that in years to come, when we’ve got over this blip and actually are living in marital bliss, we’ll both have a good old LOL about this horror show of a first proposal. But for now I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable. The deafening silence between us means that everyone else in the capsule is flashing us sympathetic looks. We’rethatcouple. James’s resting bitch face has piqued the interest of a little kid who keeps pointing at him and shouting, ‘MUMMY LOOK AT GRUMPY’. Plus someone in here definitely didn’t remember to apply deodorant this morning. That someone might be me.
James eventually breaks the silence.
‘Jasmine, we need to talk.’
I think I’m going to be sick. I’ve finally found the perfect boyfriend, so why is he about to mess things up?
‘It’s about us.’
Thesound of thunder starts to rumble overhead.
READ THE SCENE, JAMES! There’s a storm outside and your girlfriend does not smell fresh and a little girl thinks you are called grumpy. Now is not the time to propose, man!
He sighs, looks up to the heavens and pats his breast pocket once again. I can’t take this any longer.
‘DON’T DO IT!’ I shout, reaching out to stop him pulling out the ring box I just know he’s carrying. In my enthusiasm I accidentally punch him on the chin.
No one is even pretending to talk amongst themselves now. All eyes are on us.
‘I’m so sorry!’ I say as James rubs his jaw and looks a bit dazed.
‘Don’t do what?’ he asks.
‘Don’t. . . Oh James! I’m sorry to do this. Because the truth is I do really like you and things are going so well for us but we absolutely don’t need to change that right now. I certainly don’t needthis,’ I tap at his pocket and find nothing but his chest underneath.
James looks baffled.
‘You don’t need. . . My heart?’ he asks.
‘No, no, I do need that. You’re great! I love your heart!’
Awkward pause.
Here’s a fun fact about me: I don’t deal well with awkward pauses. I’ll fill them with waffle until someone takes pity on me and interrupts.
‘I probably love you a little bit.’ Too late. All aboard Jasmine’s Waffle Express. ‘Not loads just yet because we’re still so new, but definitely a bit. I can see myself falling in love with you soon. But not this. Not yet. Promise you won’t be too disappointed? And don’t worry, your sister’s wedding will be totally fun so you really don’t need to feel like a fool.We’ll just go back to normal. Just James and Jasmine. Do you prefer mayo or ketchup with your fries, by the way?’
PLEASE STOP TALKING JASMINE!!
James looks absolutely baffled.
‘Where is it?’ I add as an afterthought.
‘Where is what?’
‘The ring? I thought it was in your pocket. Why else would you keep patting it?’
A streak of lightning pierces through the twilight.
James frowns.
‘What ring?’
James isn’t always this stupid, I promise you. He got three whole questions right at the pub quiz the other day even though he hates pub quizzes and only went because his firm have just taken over the pub’s accounts. Plus the man has a degree.
‘The engagement ring,’ I whisper. It really would be good if we didn’t have an audience. It would also be good if the little girl wasn’t singing ‘If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it’. She seems to know all the moves. If I wasn’t in the middle of the world’s most heinous proposal, I’d join in.
