I’m not the chicest when shelling prawns, but neither me or Mum has prawn shell in our hair yet so I’m counting it as a win. Plus Mum’s even ordered us a glass of champagne and we clink our flutes together.
‘So when does the grilling begin?’ I ask, tearing off a chunk of bread and dipping it into garlic mayo. ‘I’ve been really trying to remember everything you said this year. That big tree? You know, the one with the leaves? Ace. . . oh, what was the rest of it? Ace Plantynips?
‘Acer platanoides. Close! I’m impressed.’
Bless Mum. Always there with the praise when her 26-year-old daughter can’t remember shit.
‘Actually I thought we could try a different topic of conversation.’
I keep my fingers crossed that she doesn’t want to talk about naked Tiger, naked yoga or indeed anything naked.
‘Mila came to my yoga class the other day and we went for coffee afterwards. Naturally I invited her to join my new naked hot yoga class, and she said she’d think about it.’ Pretty sure Mila will not be signing up for that. ‘Anyway, we got talking about you. Howis your mission going?’ Hells bells. I really hadn’t planned on discussing my love life with Mum today. But Iamsupposed to be giving romance my attention.
‘It’s okay,’ I say after a long sip of champagne. ‘Date one was with a guy I’ve called Too Much Thierry, a Frenchman who started out cross, then was really sweet, and then became a sex pest. Pie with The IT Guy came next, a raging hipster called Arnie and though we didn’t spark he’s been really helpful with website stuff. Then date three was with Alessandro Al Fresco, an absolutely beautiful boy who was such a gentleman but, long story short, he now hates my guts.’
‘What about that fuckbuddy of yours? Have you chucked him yet?’
I spit out my bite of sourdough in shock.
‘MUM!’
‘What?’
‘You aren’t meant to know about that!’
‘For heavens’ sake, Jazzy. This is the modern age! I’m pretty sure I’d have enjoyed a fuckbuddy if I hadn’t met your father so young.’
Well there’s a sentence I really, really wish I hadn’t had to hear with my ears. To make matters worse, the girls next to us overheard and are trying very hard not to laugh. I’m practically puce right now.
‘MOTHER!’ Mum’s eyes are sparkling. She’s bloody loving this! Next she’ll be telling me all about her sex life with Tiger. ‘To answer your question, Tom and I recently enjoyed our last, um, evening together.’
‘Sounds positive. You should probably delete him from your phone, too. Just to make sure you stick to Mila’s plan and don’t get tempted to go back to him.’
Ican’t say I love that Mum and Mila are in cahoots over my love life, even though she’s right. I also didn’t picture today’s horticultural trip with my mother ending up with a conversation about my no strings relationship with Hot Tom, but I’m starting to learn that weird shit happens when you least expect it. I rifle around in my bag and pull out my phone, opening my conversations with Tom for old time’s sake. There are the all-too-familiar aubergine emojis. The late night calls. The drunken messages. The multiple pics of his peen.
‘Why are you looking wistful?’ asks Mum.
Is it odd that I’m staring wistfully at my hook-up’s penis pics at a flower show? I think the answer to that is yes. I’m about to say something poignant about moving on from old relationships when Mum grabs the phone from my hands.
‘Oh my!’
Then she starts scrolling through the pictures.
‘Gosh, look at that one! There really are so many of these photos! I’m impressed that he’s managed to find such a variety of angles, too. Very enterprising!’
Ladies opposite are openly laughing now.
Mum has got her glasses out to examine Hot Tom’s particulars in more detail.
I think I might have died inside.
Draining the last of my champagne, I attempt to muster my last remaining shred of dignity. ‘Can you give me that back, please?’
I’m ignored.
After six painful more minutes of scrolling, she finally hands the mobile over. It takes me less than ten seconds to delete Hot Tom’s number and stop following him on social media. I thought I’d feel sad to finally close that door. But mostly, I just feel relieved.
‘Done.Now, can we talk about flowers please? I was very much enjoying those. . . herby things earlier.’
