‘So I said to Allegra, “If you don’t want to find yourself splashed across the gossip websites on a night out, maybe wear a bra, pants and some actual clothes next time?” She had literally gone out in a see-through lace dress and a thong, and then she was complaining that her butt was all over the internet the next day.’ Karen, a talent manager, laughs as she shares her memory. ‘It’s okay, they aren’t all like that,’ she adds, watching my eyes widen insurprise. ‘Some of the cast are actually super nice. And Violet isn’t the only newbie this summer, we’ve got an Italian prince joining the team and he is an absolute sweetie.’
‘Here he is now,’ says Steve, standing up and waving as a speedboat glides to a halt at the jetty next to us. I turn to watch an exquisitely dressed gent step off the boat. He’s wearing a pale blue linen shirt and box fresh Ray Bans. Sweet mother of pearl, he looks like David Gandy on averygood day.
He waves as he walks over to us, a broad smile lighting up his tanned skin. The whole team gets up to say hello and I run my tongue over my teeth, desperately hoping that there’s no bits of tortellini stuck in there. Though why I’m trying to make a good impression with this Italian prince, I do not know. No doubt he has an army of stunning women lining up to date him already. I mean, just look at him. Dapper dress sense. Perfect poise. He’s getting closer. He smells terrific and I hardly ever use that word. I think I’m salivating?
‘. . .And this is Jasmine, a photographer who works for another new member of the cast,’ Karen leads Alessandro through the introductions. Now that we’re side by side, I realise that Alessandro must be a couple of inches shorter than me, which may just be the only thing he does not tick on my old type on paper. I’m a tall boys kind of girl. I’m also in the middle of a new dating mission. Though, absolute LOL that this absolute sort will suddenly be compelled to askmeout over the next few days.
Do I curtsey? WTF is the protocol here?! I’m dithering like a trooper when Alessandro takes my hand and says in his delicious Italian accent, ‘It’s a pleasure.’
‘Pleasure. . . defo,’ I reply, blind-sided by his charm.
Introductions over, Alessandro opens his arms wide and says, ‘Welcome to Lago di Como everybody! I hope you’ll love it here as much as I do and I am really excited to startfilming. I’ll see you all tomorrow, bright and early.’ And with that, he turns on his designer Italian loafers and hops back into his boat.
Someone might have just developed a very inappropriate work crush.
Bright and early was an understatement. I barely had time to devour one mini Nutella this morning before we were piling into the back of minivans and driving to set but, guys, it’s going to be okay because I stashed a few extra pots into the back pocket of my jeans before I left. Surely the whole point of a hotel breakfast buffet is that you snaffle enough supplies for lunch as well? It’s not long before we pull up at a stunning villa, huge pine trees standing to attention out front and a rolling lawn taking your eye down to the lake itself. It. Is. Glorious.
The crew get to work setting up and I mill about, soaking up the scenery and attempting to stifle a yawn. I was up pretty late working on an edit of those ruddy pap shots last night, finally pinging them over to Violet’s PR just after midnight. She messaged first thing to say that she ‘loves them’ and expects ‘the story to break’ later on today. Barf. Violet is going to be unbearable when she and Chip go public.
‘Do you want to come with?’ Sally asks as she spots me idly running my finger along the banister in the huge entrance hall.
‘Okay!’ I reply, grateful for something to do. Violet still hasn’t emerged from her slumber because obviously, so I head into the dining room and help to set up the cameras. The table has two vases brimming with orange blossom on it which reminds me of Violet’s flowers. It seems a shame that Chip’s grand gesture should be abandoned so soon and I make a mental note to get back in touch with Violet’s PR. Maybe she could nip in, rescuethe flowers and donate them somewhere? Like an old people’s home? It would be sad for them to go to waste.
Sally’s telling me about her job working for the production company behindTotally Toffsand I’m trying to play it cool whenever a cast mate comes over to chat to us about today’s filming. I know that they’re just normal human beings really, but I’ve seen them on my TV screen and I’m a bit star struck. They’re all so shiny and glossy. Perfect teeth. Perfect skin. Plummy accents. Every single one of them is wearing items of clothing that cost more than a month’s rent for me, whereas I’m here in – you guessed it – jeans and a t-shirt. I did not expect it to be so hot! It’s almost stifling and that lone fan whizzing around on the ceiling is not helping.
‘There’s not a cloud in the sky,’ the photography director calls over. ‘Shall we switch up and get that pool scene shot now?’ And just like that the indoor set-up is abandoned and one of the runners is dispatched to get Violet on set. It’s time for her debut. Suddenly the hairs on the back of my neck are standing to attention and I feel a shiver despite the heat. I don’t know why, but I am so nervous right now.
Boo, how’s Italy? Tell me stories! Life here is the exact same. . . Mike and I argued about what film to see on Saturday and no one’s committing any decent crimes so work is boring. I miss you.
I frown at Mila’s message.
MISS YOU TOO! Sorry to hear about the argument, are you guys okay?
Oh fine yeah, how’s Italy?
Bloody hot! And Violet may be an even bigger diva than the stars of the show, but it’s all good.
Good,don’t forget to get your tush out there!
My tush is getting very well acquainted with Nutella for breakfast, is that what you mean?
Obviously not.She fires back.Stop stalling and start doing.
Remember that time I said I didn’t know why I was feeling nervous about Violet’s TV debut? Ha ha ha. Now I know why. BECAUSE IT IS HORRIFIC. Every fibre of my being is willing me to dive head-first into the lake and swim to safety and yet my feet are rooted to the spot as I watch the horror show unfurl.
It began with mild levels of cringe as Violet attempted to muscle her way into every single shot. Things got a bit more awkward when she started doing a piece to camera, despite the crew telling her not to. Then Chip turned up and now they’re practically humping on a sun lounger while the cameras roll. It is positively the worst thing I have ever had to see with my eyes and I’ve watched alotofOne Born Every Minute. The rest of the cast have slunk off, embarrassed, and I’m starting to wonder whether I should step in. Surely this isn’t going to help her image? I take a peek at one of the camera’s zoning in on my boss’s smooch fest. Puke-inducing scenes aside, she does look incredible on camera. She’s wearing one of the new bikinis from that swimwear range she’s ambassador for, because Violet is never not working.
‘She’s not shy, is she?’ Scriptwriter Steve is rubbing his hands in glee at the filth unfolding before our very eyes.
While everybody else wrapped up for the day, Violet and I squeezed in some photos for a fashion post, which gave Violet a chance to wang on about how great her TV debut hadbeen (cough) and how much she is totally in love with Chip. The pap shots are live and she and Chip have both Tweeted statements about how the pictures were a gross intrusion of their privacy (!) but they are indeed a couple and are very happy together. I checked analytics and she’s seen a huge spike in views, not to mention bagged a tonne of extra followers. Violet could not be more pleased right now.
I, on the other hand, am starting to wonder WTF I’m doing with my life. Wait, no, that sounds over-dramatic. I just can’t stop thinking back to Violet’s flower-filled home and the fact that she assumed I’d beobviously freeto come with her to Italy. She was right. I didn’t have plans. The one thing I had been looking forward to was going to a wedding with James and we all know what happened there. The thing is, it’s absolutely glorious here in Italy and I know that I’m so, so lucky to have this opportunity. So why can’t I shift that niggling doubt that I’m here for the wrong reasons? I’m here for Violet, I’m here to captureheramazing life. And what about my own life? The minute I’m not taking photos of my boss, I’m back to pulling my bra off through my jumper and falling asleep on the sofa with my hand in a packet of crisps.
Mila’s last message is ringing in my ears. Perhaps it is time to be more proactive, after all. What’s the worst that can happen if I have a little go at achieving something for myself, hey?
‘Fix up, look sharp,’ I say to my reflection, popping in some earrings. ‘Tonight you’re on a mission.’
The entire cast and crew are here for the weekly Thirsty Thursday get-together and it’s really nice to spend time with everyone away from the set. We’re on the balcony of a swish hotel in Como which is full of sexy Italians. Seriously, Italy is a country filled with stone coldstunners. All of theTotally Toffshave gathered around Chip and Violet, keen to learn more about their new romance while I’m sat with Sally, Steve and co.
