TOPKNOT AND BEARD
. . .
You know you’re still messaging me, right?Arnie replies.
Sweet baby Jane, I did not leave our Whatsapp chat. After a hurried copy and paste, I fire the crucial information over to actual Mila and throw my phone underneath my bed to keep me out of trouble. Then I busy myself with big questions, like a) should I actually should try HD brows and b) why am I so embarrassing at life? My mobile keeps illuminating the underside of my bed and I tip my head off the side to take a look. There’s so much crap under here. Ooh wait is that an uneaten chocolate bar? The glow from my phone reveals that it’s just a chocolate-bar-shaped log of dust. Disappointed, I decide to read the incoming messages from Mila.
This is so great. YASSSSSS Jasmine! Another date with a guy who is not your type on paper. DATE TWO ON THE MISSION! You NEED to go for it. Topknots are hot andalso HELLO point one on your anti-list. And I quote “1. Blond, beardy, topknot?” Is he blond too?
He’s got red hair like the colour of autumn leaves.
OMG even better. You’re basically contractually obliged to go Xxxxx
Shit. Did Mila make me drunk-sign a contract the other night? I would not put it past her.
A message pings in from Arnie.
On second thoughts. . .
Oh. Of course he has seen the light of day. I’m wondering why I feel disappointed that he’s backing out of the date offer already as I scroll down to his final message.
Maybe we could get dinner too. In a restaurant rather than on the tube. There’s a pie and mash place near me if you fancy it? Bring Ulrikka if you must.
Well, there’s a turn up.
I’d like that,I type back before stopping and wondering what the hell has happened to Jasmine.
I’ve accepted. WTF. We’re going for dinner.I tell Mila.
Yeah, it’s still me,Arnie replies.
*Facepalm*
Violet has Big Plans for her romance with Chip. I know this because the words Big Plans are written on a new hot pink notebook she’s had delivered, which I just opened because I’m apparently also her personal secretary.
‘We’re going to be the new Harry and Meghan,’ she’s saying through the hole in a massage table.
‘Pleaseshhhh,’ encourages the therapist. ‘Just listen to the sounds of the music. Relax. I like to bring complete calm for my customers.’
Violet tries to settle back into silence but her toes twitch impatiently.
Twelve seconds later. . .
‘I’m so excited for our future. Chip is my perfect man.’
The therapist makes a low humming noise.
Violet’s fingers start to twitch in unison with her toes. She’s completely naked under a few strategically placed towels, lying flat out on the table which has been set up in her living room.
‘Do you watchTotally Toffs? He’s the main one. He’s so famous. We’ve been out of lots of discreet dinners and I’m just hoping that he’ll ask me to be his actual girlfriend soon. Imagine the publicity!’
A flash of irritation streaks across the masseuse’s serene face.
‘Let your mind empty. Think of nothing but waves crashing on a secluded beach. The sun gently warming your face. You can hear birds in the background. . .’
Only Violet can hear nothing but Chip and world domination. She leaps up from the table and, completely naked, thanks the lady for her massage. ‘Jasmine, did my notebook arrive? We have work to do. First, I’m going to need you to find every single interview Chip has ever done. I’m on a mission to become his perfect woman so we need to know him inside out.’
‘Here it is,’ I say, attempting to hand her the pad while not looking at any naked bits. It’s not that easy. ‘Do you. . . want to get dressed first?’
