As I’d said aloud before we’d left, only five minutes of real time had passed. I was surprised that I was still chilled to the bone. Gideon noticed immediately and wrapped me tightly in his arms. His warmth did wonders. I leaned into him and breathed in his scent. He was my rock. I needed the man I loved as much as I needed oxygen right now.
“I know where Alana Catherine is,” I told him, feeling my body tingle with excitement. His eyes grew wide and he squeezed me tighter. “I saw Uriel’s cage. Chamuel knows the location. It will lead us there along with Hemah.”
“Hemah?” Candy Vargo asked, looking around. “I don’t see that fucker anywhere.”
“Not to worry,” Shitty Ritchie said, dropping trou and stepping out of his pants. “I’m about to shit the shite out.”
“Oh my goodness,” Tim said, fanning himself with his hands. “Not sure I want to witness that.”
“Hang on a hot fuckin’ sec,” Candy Vargo grunted. “Do we know for sure that the nardass is dead? It would be reallyunappetizin’ to watch Shitty Ritchie to poop that bastard out only to have to eat It again. Not sure I could stomach that kind of crap—pun so fuckin’ intended.”
“Word,” I replied with a pained laugh. “Hemah’s dead—as in ghostly dead. The horrible thing is also pretty much broken.”
“Could you define broken?” Tim asked, pulling out his ever-present notebook.
“Shitty Ritchie?” I asked. “Can you field Tim’s question, please? We need to get a move on.”
“Shitty Ritchie is happy to,” he replied, standing in the forest in his underpants. “But first I’d like a moment of silence for the loss of my big dang dong.”
“Oh fuck no,” Candy Vargo muttered.
Shitty Ritchie either ignored her or didn’t hear her. If I had to guess, I’d go withdidn’t hear. The little guy was too consumed with hisloss.
“Yes,” the tiny dummy lamented. “The super-sized schlong was in my pants when I was in my mind. But alas, in real life my weenie is teeny. I know how everyone must feel. It’s a tragedy that will take all of us a long time to recover from. Shitty Ritchie wants you to know that eventually, sometime in the very, very, very far future that he will get over the glorious moment in time when he had a substantial weewee.” He stretched out the waistband of his undies and spoke directly to his junk. “Don’t feel bad, Dave. I still love you.”
“Dave?” Candy Vargo asked. “Who in the fuck is Dave?”
“Gotta be his dong,” Jennifer told her, trying not to laugh. “Dave the dong.”
“I’m still having a difficult time wrapping my head around the fact that Shitty Ritchie is one-third of the true Higher Power,” Chamuel said, floating over Jennifer’s shoulder.
“Get in line,” Candy told It.
“In closing,” Shitty Ritchie announced. “I will be hosting a dang dong party after we get my Alana Catherine back safe and sound. All are invited. It will be a potluck. No hotdogs will be served.”
“Mmmkay,” I said, wanting to get moving immediately. “Answer Tim’s question. Then crap Hemah out of your rump and let’s find Alana Catherine. Now.”
“Yes!” Shitty Ritchie yelled, saluting me. “Timmy, Hemah is now my bitch. Its gonna follow orders. At my decree, Hemah will pay penance for Its crimes for millions of years. That smelly gashole has a lot to repent for. But we’re on the same fuckin’ page. The slimy wanker knows that I’ll be watching every breath It takes, every fuckin’ move It makes, AND every ball-eating step It takes. I’m watching all that shit.”
“Why does that sound vaguely familiar?” Gideon asked.
“The Police,” I told him. “‘Every Breath You Take’. The stalker song that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse played at our wedding.”
“Right,” he said. “Jesus Christ.”
“So,” Shitty Ritchie continued. “It’s perfectly safe to expel Hemah from my bunghole. Hemah will help Chamuel lead us to Uriel’s cage which will reunite us with our precious Alana Catherine.”
“Word to the wise,” Chamuel added. “Not to be the bearer of bad news, but Uriel is the worst of the three original Higher Powers. It was revealed when we were in Shitty Ritchie’s mind that Uriel was the mastermind of the takeover in the beginning. Of course, Hemah double crossed and betrayed both me and Uriel, but it had originally been Uriel’s idea.”
“Y’all kids were whacked,” Candy Vargo commented.
“Understatement,” Chamuel replied. “I want you to be prepared. Uriel is violent, underhanded and unpredictable. However, logic can be bested by logic.”
“Would you care to be a little more specific?” Tim asked politely.
Chamuel smiled sadly at him as It floated in the air. “If I could, I would. That is all I know.”
Shitty Ritchie’s tiny dong was swinging in the wind. He was in a full squat and grunting like he was about to pass a twelve-hundred-pound cow out of his ass rather than a weightless ghost. Granted, I’d never pooped anyone alive or dead out of my rear end. Technically, I wasn’t qualified to judge.
