“Well, slap my ass and call me Edna,” Candy Vargo said with a chuckle as Gideon helped her to her feet. “What the actual fuck is this?”
The new arrivals, plus the Fonzies, all began to speak at the same time. I caught the phrases, ‘Googly Bear’, ‘You’re the boss,the big hairy boss’, ‘Holy cow’, ‘I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill’, ‘Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, it’s off to work we go’ and ‘Sit on it’.
Unreal didn’t begin to cover it. However, the general atmosphere was filled with excitement and kindness. Candy had been smart in her visualization. As to why there was three of each of the characters? It was a mystery.
“Giving Shitty Ritchie a headache,” the tiny man grunted, much to the thrill of everyone. “Cake holes must be shut! If this continues, Shitty Ritchie will have to take a weewee down the throats of the offenders. AND HE WILL ENJOY IT!”
That shut everyone up except for me.
I screamed. Again. The first time had been in terror. This time it was joy. My throat was raw, but I didn’t care. Shitty Ritchie was alive and still shitty.
Candy glanced around in delight as Gideon and Tim got re-dressed. She waved spastically at all three Mike Wazowskis who waved back at her. “Tell you what, fuckers,” she said. “Why don’t y’all gone on over to Arnold’s Drive-In and order up some chow? Bill’s on me. We need to get some shit done out here and need a little privacy.”
The sets of doppelgangers grew louder but didn’t leave, until the Fonzies snapped their fingers. “Cool it,” they told the other, as they revved up their motorcycle engines. “Follow the Fonz! It’s time to chow down!”
The trios obeyed, cooling it instantly before dispersing. The dwarfs were the last to go. They were fascinated with Shitty Ritchie and his mismatched appendages.
We had one member of the trinity back. The other two were still missing. As happy and relieved as I was that we’d found and saved Shitty Ritchie, I was now terrified about Alana Catherine’s and Jennifer’s safety.
The mission wasn’t completed yet.
CHAPTER FIVE
“So many queries!Shitty Ritchie is fucking confused!” he lamented as we peppered the little guy with question after question.
“Focus, shitass,” Candy Vargo told him. “Relax that tiny mind and think. I know thinkin’ ain’t your forte, but there’s a first time for everything.”
“Shitty Ritchie is trying!” he screamed.
Unfortunately, Shitty Ritchie wasn’t sure what had happened to him. He also wasn’t sure if he’d chewed when he’d eaten the Higher Power. The little dude seemed to have lost his short- term memory. That wasn’t great.
He was agitated but didn’t seem all that concerned he couldn’t recall the recent past. He was far too fascinated with his new appendages.
“Shitty Ritchie wants to know if you can make the rest of his body large,” he said to a frustrated Candy Vargo.
The Keeper of Fate had tried multiple times to jog his memory with questions and even threats. She was failing miserably. All of us were. I thought at one point Gideon was going to punch him. I was able to curb that impulse with a stern look.
The main issue was that Shitty Ritchie was far too enamored with his new and improved body parts. “And if you can’t enlarge the entire body, Shitty Ritchie would be just fine with a super-sized wanker. I’d be pleased to take either Tim’s or Gideon’s member. They both appear to have big dongs.”
He was ignored. No one was going to do wank surgery on the idiot anytime soon.
“Do you have any idea where Alana Catherine and Jennifer are?” I asked for the umpteenth time.
His brow wrinkled in thought. “The exact location? No. Shitty Ritchie is not sure. But Cheese Dick won’t hurt them.”
“Cheese Dick?” I asked, confused.
He nodded while lovingly massaging his new leg with his new hand. “Yes, I named the fake Higher Power, Cheese Dick.”
“I thought that the term was Dick Cheese,” Candy Vargo said, squinting at Shitty Ritchie.
“Interesting,” the little guy said. “It’s possible. Maybe, that’s why Cheese Dick tried to end me.” He gasped as memories began to come back. “Yes! That’s it! Cheese Dick got butthurt about me calling it Cheese Dick. Perhaps if I’d said Dick Cheese it might have ended less violently. Not sure on that, though. After the shite threw a tantrum about its new and appropriate moniker, it said something about only needing Alana Catherine and Jennifer and that I was worthless. I got pissed and told Cheese Dick to shove its head up its ass, and then it got ugly.”
“Can you define ugly?” I asked.
Shitty Ritchie rolled his eyes. “If you insist,” he grumbled. “When Cheese Dick refused to shove its head up its own ass as requested, I helped. Apparently, that wasn’t a good move on Shitty Ritchie’s part. Cheese Dick proceeded to dismember me as I returned the favor. It was when I’d shoved part of its leg up its bunghole that I think I lost my head. Kind of a blur, if you know what I mean.”
I didn’t. The entire situation was insane.
