“As you wish,” he said with a grin.
Without any fanfare, Lizard under-pantsed me. I was now dick to the wind. I didn’t look down. That would be traumatizing. It was bad enough that I was showing them the peen in the first place. But Uncle Fucker was right. A deal was a deal. However, if he insisted on me strutting, I’d electrocute him. There was only so far I’d willingly go.
“Excellent cock, my liege!” Critter Steve said. “Nice length and girth. Much bigger than mine!”
“I should say so,” Satan muttered.
I shot him the stink eye, and he shut his cakehole.
“Thank you, Critter Steve,” I said as politely as I could without losing it.
“Oh yes!” Trapper Rick added. “It’s a very healthy cock. Congrats!”
I closed my eyes and forced myself to smile. I was sure it looked constipated. “Thank you, Trapper Rick.”
“Dude!” Wipe dropped trou and pulled out his junk. “Sword fight!” He parried back and forth using his wank like a weapon.
How in the fuck had I ended up here?
Thankfully, Lizard stepped in and shoved Wipe’s wank back into his pants. He then pulled my grundies back up so I didn’t come into contact with Uncle Fucker’s peen. I pulled up the pants. I’d done as I’d promised. This shit needed to end. Now.
“Alrighty then,” I said. “We must be going. We have an urgent appointment in Oklahoma.”
“Not so fast,” Cred said, crawling out from beneath the rubble. “We didn’t get to play snooker yet!”
The old lady had her goat with her. My eyes narrowed. How on Earth had she lived through the last hour? If the Fairy Gang hadn’t gotten her, why hadn’t the building coming down on top of her head done her in? It didn’t add up. There was something so familiar about the old gal. I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
“Oh Connie!” Trapper Rick squealed. “I’m so happy you’re alive!”
“Connie?” I asked. My fingers began to spark again. “As in Connie Raven Enid Delacroix aka C.R.E.D.?”
“Guilty as charged!” the witch said with a grin as she waved her wand and reverted back to the woman with dimples who we were familiar with.
The very same woman I’d told not to join us on this trip.
“What in the fucking fuck is going on here,” Satan bellowed as his eyes turned red and spit sparks. “You’re messing with us, old lady. I donotlike to be messed with.”
“No, no, no,” she said with a giggle. “I’d never mess with you. Witches honor.”
“Then what the heck are you doing here when I told you not to come?” I demanded.
“Tut, tut, tut,” she said. “You need me. I always go where I’m needed.”
Before anyone could get another word out, Connie Raven Enid Delacroix walked over to Critter Steve and waved her wand. Shimmering and delicate white crystals filled the air and floated down on the Demon. His broken bones and deep lacerations began to heal with extraordinary speed. The witch giggled again as she made her way to the wounded Vamp on the floor. Again, with the wand. Again, with the white crystals. Again, with the super-fast healing. Lastly, she approachedTrapper Rick. As she did her voodoo, the glass fell from his skin and the open cuts left behind healed immediately.
“What the heck are you?” Wipe asked, winking spastically at the woman.
I almost gagged when he flexed his muscles and revealed the ball in his pit. His flirting was cringe.
“Oh my! Aren’t you the cutie!” Connie Raven Enid Delacroix said, blushing. “If you’d like, I can remove the ball from your wonderfully hairy underarm.”
“Nah,” Wipe said with a chuckle. “Gives me something to bitch about and it’s a great ice breaker with lovely ladies like you.”
“Goodness gracious! You’re a charmer,” she trilled. “As to what I am, I’m a witch. A healer witch. I practice white magic.”
“As opposed to what?” I asked warily.
“Black magic, silly!” she shared. “White magic is a spiritual practice. It’s intended for the purpose of good—like healing, protection, and positivity! In Wicca, the modern paganism, we follow the ‘harm none’ rule.”
I still didn’t completely believe her. Although, I was grateful that she’d helped the injured.
“You really want to help?” I asked.
She nodded. “I really do.”
“Then I know some knockers that need to be reduced. Follow me.”
Since she was here, she may as well be useful.
