“Bless you. Bless you!”
“Enough of that,” I said sharply. “That’s more my brother’s territory.”
“But of course, sir!” she replied.
I tilted my head and stared at the woman. The conversation was odd. Whatever. She was senile and possibly somewhat blind. I’d done something kind. It made me itchy. What I needed was a little violence. And I would get it.
The next part of my plan was ready to go. As I rejoined our group, I held up the wallet with a grin.
“You stole that,” Astrid said flatly.
“Yes. And?” I shrugged, ignoring her murderous glare that darkened my eyes, making me even more roguishly handsome and sexy. “None of you thought to bring money. The man who I took it from was an asshole and deserved it. Trust me on that.”
She shook her head. “I don’t like it.”
“You don’t have to,” I told her. “I would think one crime is better than multiple.”
“Explain,” she said, sighing dramatically.
“With pleasure. If we snuck into all the tourist attractions you pathetically want to go to, everyone would be committing crimes. I have saved all of you from guilt and prison time by perpetrating only one unlawful act. I see it as a favor. Plus…”
“Plus?” she asked, squinting at me with distrust.
“Plus… while it might be easy to slip into the Tower of London undetected, it would be far more difficult to pay the bill at a restaurant.”
I watched with amusement as the realization hit and bells rang loudly in her head. The Vampyre almost fainted when she realized where I was going. It was delightful.
“Oh my God,” she gasped out, placing her hand on the stone wall so she didn’t drop to the ground like a sack of potatoes in Armani. “I can eat. I can’t believe it wasn’t the first thing I thought of.”
I was silent as I let her fondest desire sink it.
“I can eat food,” she whispered. “I can put it in my mouth. I can chew it. I can taste it. I can swallow it without being in agony for a week.”
“Pasta,” I said.
“Street tacos,” she squealed.
“Steak,” I added.
“Chips and salsa. Full sugared Coke. Cheesecake. Candy. Black raspberry chip ice cream. French fries. Cheeseburgers. Fried chicken.” She began to skip in circles. I was getting dizzy.“Sushi. Chips and hummus. Baby back ribs. Cinnamon toast. Potato chips. Oh my GOD! I can eat.”
Holy Hell, the Vampyre was going to put an extra fifty pounds on my gorgeous body.
“Congrats, Titty LaMongo!” Jane yelled. “Me and Martha are gonna viciously live through you.”
“Vicariously,” Astrid corrected the old idiot.
“Right,” Jane said, smacking herself in the head with her cane and leaving a mark.
I wasn’t sure how the two old bags were still alive. They were not only a menace to society and my own sanity, they were also a threat to themselves.
Astrid paused her skipping and squinted at me. “Are yousurethe person you pilfered the wallet from was an asshole? Like a total real and absolute asshole.”
“Quite,” I replied. “I zeroed in on the jackass when he pushed a homeless woman to the ground.”
“Wait. What?” she asked, moving to go to the homeless woman. “A woman is on the ground?”
“Not anymore,” I replied with a wince of horror. “I might have… umm… remedied that.”
