“True that,” Jane agreed.
Satan screamed.
“Fine point, well made,” Mother Nature admitted. “That burden should only be on Satan and Astrid.”
She wiggled her fingers and shimmering pink dust formed a small funnel. It danced around the foyer touching Lizard, Jane, Martha and Connie Raven Enid Delacroix.
“Try to tell me what is going on,” she said, pointing at Martha.
Martha got to her feet with effort and swayed back and forth. “What if I say it right? I don’t wanna be responsible for fuckin’ it up.”
It was seriously the wisest thing she’d ever said.
Satan screamed. Again.
“Don’t worry,” Mother Nature assured her. “My spells never fail, but I’m going to test this one just in case. If you are able to correctly state the situation, it will not cause Astrid and Satan to forever be each other.”
My knees buckled in relief and I dropped to the marble floor. Satan hissed that I was going to mess up his pants. I pointed out they were already soaked and ruined. He shut his trap.
“Martha, go ahead,” Mother Nature insisted.
The old bag nodded and tried. “Chicken butts and fries are the new orange!” she announced then threw her head back and cackled. She and her knockers hit the ground with a thud.
“Again,” Mother Nature said.
Martha obliged. “Knock on my door and I’ll plant a blueberry in your sphincter!”
I’d never been so relieved to hear nonsense.
“Jane,” Mother Nature said. “Your turn.”
Jane gave her a thumbs up and went for it. “I ate a fuckin’ knuckle sandwich and pooped a gopher!”
She laughed harder than Martha. I held my breath, which was a weird sensation, and waited for the last two to try.
“Lizard.” GiGi nodded to him.
He cleared his throat and took his gum out of his mouth. Placing it on the end of his ever-present bat, he gave it a shot. “I danced with a chair and got my goat stuck in a water bottle.” His brows shot up in surprise and he grinned. “One more.”
“As you wish,” Mother Nature said.
He choked up on his bat and inhaled deeply. “I had a baby with Bigfoot and gave birth to My Little Pony.” He chuckled. “Well, I’ll be damned.”
“You already are, Demon,” Mother Nature replied with a giggle. He grinned. “Connie Raven Enid Delacroix, it’s your turn.”
The witch slapped her hands on her hips and laughed. “Alrightyroo! I went to the store to buy a mother-in-law and came home with an inflatable barbecue grill and a talking pizza!”
“Wonderful,” Mother Nature announced, preparing to leave.
“NOT WONDERFUL, MOTHER,” Satan bellowed, tossing my hair over his shoulders. “Are there any fucking directions? How in the actual fuck are we supposed to satisfy your certifiable crazy action if we don’t have any goddamned directions?”
It was a good question. The delivery sucked, but hewasthe Devil, even if he looked like me.
“Taking your brother’s name in vain and dropping multiple f-bombs is not the best way to start,” she snapped. “I’d suggest walking in each other’s shoes for a bit to learn appreciation for the trials and tribulation you both face.”
“Like we have a choice?” he shouted, pointing down at my mostly melted tennis shoes he wore. He’d been the one to melt them, but I understood the point.
“You don’t,” Mother Nature said with a smile. “And thatisthe point. I’d suggest you get to work on appreciating each other.” She checked her watch. “I have five minutes before General Hospital begins. Good luck.”
In a blast of peach sparkles, Gigi disappeared. Thankfully, the jungle, passed out tigers and the river left with her. The foyer was back to its pristine normal.
Everything else was far from it.
