“We could go line dancing, umm, with homeless people...” I trailed off as Gigi pressed her temples in exhaustion.
“Enough,” she said. “I’ve had enough of this nonsense.”
I glanced over at Uncle Fucker. He stared back at me. The moment of reckoning had come. We both knew it.
Connie Raven Enid Delacroix decided to join the conversation. That wasn’t a good omen. She’d thought giving Martha and Jane F cups was a good idea.
“Going to the movies without the playing dead part sounds fun,” she said with a wink at Mother Nature.
“Do go on,” Mother Nature told her, leaning forward with great interest.
Connie smiled and nodded. “Gaia, we’ve had such lovely bonding experiences going to the movies over the last century!”
I wanted to interrupt and ask how old Connie Raven Enid Delacroix was, but bit it back. If the human witch was over a hundred-years-old, she looked damned good. However, if she could convince Gigi that going to the movies with Uncle Fucker could serve as our punishment then I’d kiss her butt.
“Oh yes!” Gigi said with a giggle. “I adore popcorn and Milk Duds!”
Connie clapped her hands together. “Do you recall that the very first time you indulged in that glorious combo was on December 16, 1976?”
“Ohhhhhhhhh!” Mother Nature said with glee as I watched the wheels of her devious mind turn. “And they tasted even better on August 6, 2003!”
“But of course,” Connie Raven Enid Delacroix replied with a sly little grin.
Holy Hell. Connie Raven Enid Delacroix might be scarier than Gigi. I wasn’t sure why or how, but I had an unsettling gut feeling. With no clue as to what the two dates had in common, I was lost. Lost with batshit crazy Immortals and a strange witch involved was not a good place to be.
Without any pomp or circumstance, Mother Nature stood up and waved her hands in a circular motion. No lightning bolt accompanied the movement. No fire. No pain. I wasn’t even sure what had happened until I heard Satan scream in a voice so feminine that my stomach cramped and I gasped.
The first clue that everything had gone haywire should have been that I was able to gasp. I was dead. I didn’t breathe. Gasping wasn’t the norm for me. It was, in fact, impossible.
“NO,” Satan screamed in a voice that was so familiar I felt the bile rise in my throat.
The voice didn’t belong to Uncle Fucker. The voice belonged to me. However, I wasn’t talking. He was.
My hyperventilating should have been the second clue, but I was in major denial. However, when Satan shrieked that he had boobs, I knew we were fucked.
Slowly, I looked down. My legs were clad in wet custom Armani. My feet were much bigger than the ones I’d woken up with only hours earlier. My shoes were Gucci men’s. I didn’t own any Gucci men’s shoes. Closing my eyes, I reached up to run my hands through my wild dark, long hair. There was no long hair. Just a short men’s cut that didn’t belong to me.
And that’s when I joined Uncle Fucker. We screamed in horror, terror, and absolute disbelief. When I forced myself to look at him, a panic attack took over. He was me. And I was him.
Fucked up didn’t even begin to cover it. However, I did briefly notice how hot I was. I hadn’t seen my reflection in over a decade. But the fact I looked like a million bucks didn’t erase the truth that we were in deep doo-doo.
“Are you done?” Mother Nature inquired sounding quite delighted with herself.
I wanted to electrocute my beloved grandmother. I didn’t dare. If she could put me in Satan’s body and him in mine there was no telling what other horrors she could come up with.
Uncle Fucker continued to shriek and howl for another ten minutes. I was too shocked to even speak.
When he finally stopped, the silence in the room was thick. Martha, Jane, and Lizard stared at us in stupefaction. Connie Raven Enid Delacroix’s expression was unreadable. The only one smiling was Mother Nature.
“It’s like a freaky movie!” she sang. “You have one week to get along and appreciate each other. If you fail…”
Her words hung in the air like a floating guillotine.
She giggled. “I trust you won’t fail,” she continued. “The people in this room right now are the only ones who know that your bodies have been switched. That is the way it shall stay. If you tell anyone what’s going on the change will be permanent.”
“Umm…” I said in Satan’s voice. “You’re telling me that I have to trust that Martha and Jane will keep their cake holes shut about this for an entire week?”
Martha piped up. “Actually, the one formerly known as Tits Mcgee makes a fine fuckin’ point. Jane here ain’t too smart. She’s gonna blab first chance she gets.”
