“Or?” he inquired with great caution from behind the tree.
With a trill of gloriously evil laughter, Mother Nature began to glow. With a wiggle of her pert little nose all of the trees vanished leaving the Devil exposed. Her next move was vintage Mother Nature. She snapped her fingers. Rain and ice began to pour from above. Shockingly, it only soaked Satan. The rest of us were as dry as a bone. Granted, the foyer looked like a river, but that was par for the course for a visit from Gigi.
“My suit,” Uncle Fucker bellowed, looking down at his ruined Armani. “It was custom.”
“Too bad, so sad,” Mother Nature sang. “If you weren’t being such a turd, I wouldn’t be here. I’m missing my shows. I donotlike missing my shows.”
Mother Nature was addicted to the soaps. She got cranky when she missed them. I snickered. That was my first of many mistakes. Gigi then turned on me.
“And you,” she said so calmly I almost fainted. “I’m wildly unimpressed with your behavior.”
I gulped.
She clapped her hands. The sound was sharp and staccato.
The rain and ice subsided as quickly as it had arrived. The lake in my house stayed. A school of hot pink fish with sharp teeth was swimming in it. Mother Nature looked around and sighed dramatically at the disaster. I wanted to point out that she’d created it, but I had a healthy sense of self-preservation. I was already in trouble and making it worse didn’t sound like a good time.
“Lizard, would you mind helping a Goddess out?” she inquired.
“Not at all,” he replied, dropping to all fours.
“We’ll help too!” Jane grunted as she crawled out from beneath a mossy boulder with Martha on her heels.
“Roger that,” Martha agreed. “With our new knockers, standin’ is fuckin’ hard.”
The two idiots crawled across the floor and settled into what amounted to a living chaise lounge for Mother Nature.
“What on Earth?” Mother Nature asked with an expression of horror. “What happened to you girls?”
Martha was all smiles. “Went to Salem. Lopped off Connie Raven Enid Delacroix’s toe then watched her sew it back on. Gnarly.”
Mother Nature looked confused. She could join the club.
“Yacked for a bit then asked for big tits,” Jane chimed in.
Connie Raven Enid Delacroix took a bow. “It was my pleasure to enhance such famous songbirds! Bouncy boobs arebut a small gift to give to ones whose warbling brings me so much joy!”
Gigi took it all in without comment. She was well aware that Martha and Jane sang like drunk cats in heat. She nodded politely at her witchy buddy and walked over to her bizarre seating arrangement. The nutty woman sat on their backs as if it was her throne. Eyeing Satan and me with annoyance, she shook her head. “I’m at my wit’s end and don’t know what to do about your ridiculous bickering. It’s giving me a headache and Bill gas. However, to be fair, the gas might have been from my bean, apple, Brussel sprout and chicken casserole. Do either of you have a suggestion as to what should be done?”
“About my father’s gastrointestinal issues?” Satan questioned.
Mother Nature electrocuted him. That wasn’t the correct response. She then turned to me for an answer. I couldn’t think of a thing… so that’s what I went with.
“Umm… nothing?” I whispered.
“What she said,” Satan agreed quickly.
We both got electrocuted. I really wanted to crawl back into my bed and start the day over. This one sucked.
“No, no, no,” she replied. “That won’t do at all.”
I racked my brain for an answer that wouldn’t end with me being on fire.
“We could hug it out,” I tried again tentatively.
Satan gagged. I covertly shot him the bird.
“Absolutely not,” he huffed. “Public forms of affection are for pussies like Vampyres. Demons are far too superior for sappy bullshit like that.”
