Gideon took Alana Catherine from Heather, and a little family group hug ensued. I got wet, sloppy kisses and returned them with pleasure. Our baby had an iron grip on Gideon’s hair. I didn’t think there was a single thing in the world he would have loved more. If Alana Catherine kept it up, he’d be sporting a bald spot on the side of his head. My man would wear that bald spot with pride.
“Daisy,” Gideon finally said to me. “We still need to leave. It’s not safe here.”
He was correct. There was no telling when the next army of zombies would show up. We’d gotten lucky this time. We weren’t going to stick around for a next time.
“Yep,” I agreed. “Let me say bye to Jennifer one more time, and then we’re out.”
“Be quick,” he said, putting Alana Catherine on his shoulders. “I’ll grab Shitty Ritchie and we can leave as soon as you’re done.”
I nodded and made my way back to the house. I was sad that the last memory of my home would be of the zombie battle, but the fact that we’d won would have to suffice.
“What the actual FUCK?” Candy shouted.
I turned around so fast, I got dizzy.
From the ashes of the dead zombies, a body rose. The back of the male figure was facing us, but the shape was very familiar—very, very, very familiar.
I sprinted to Gideon. He had Alana Catherine on his shoulders and Shitty Ritchie in his arms. I grabbed my daughter and hid her behind me. Gideon did the same with Shitty Ritchie.
Glancing down at Shitty Ritchie, I mouthed the word, stay. He nodded and plastered himself to Gideon’s leg. I kept my hands on my baby as I settled her behind me. I hoped like hell she would stay put. Her warm, small body behind me was the scariest thing that I’d ever felt. I wanted to toss her back into the house, but the lone figure was turning around. The time to hide was over.
“Tom Fucking Hanks,” Candy Vargo barked with disgust as the Higher Power smiled at us. The smile didn’t reach fake Tom Hanks’s eyes. I hadn’t expected it to. The Higher Power felt no compassion for anything or anyone. “Imagine that, motherfuckers.”
“I’ve come to this appalling plane to make an offer,” Fake Tom Hanks said.
It was beyond surreal to see Tom Hanks standing in my decimated yard, knowing it was definitely not Tom Hanks.
“Maybe It’s offering sperm,” Shitty Ritchie whispered.
I wanted to whack the back of his head. I did no such thing. I stayed as still as a statue.
“State your offer,” Charlie said flatly. “I would imagine I already know our answer, but we’ll humor you.”
Fake Tom Hanks didn’t like that. His eyes flashed a frightening silver and his smile became a sneer. Alana Catherine grew squirmy behind me. My hands began to sweat as Iattempted to keep her hidden without looking like I was hiding anything.
“I know what you people are up to,” Fake Tom Hanks snarled. “I’m here to tell you it will not work. In fact, if you continue on this foolish folly, it will cost all of you dearly. And I mean all of you. Anything or anyone you hold dear—Immortal or human—will be slowly and systematically destroyed. Am I making myself clear?”
“As mud, motherfucker,” Candy Vargo shot back.
Fake Tom Hanks went on as if he hadn’t just been insulted by the Keeper of Fate. Alana Catherine’s wiggling intensified. Shit was going south fast.
Gideon noticed and tried to speed it along. “State your terms,” he ground out. “We have places to be and things to do.”
Fake Tom Hank’s brows shot up. “Very bold of you, Grim Reaper. I’d suggest you keep your attitude in check.”
Gideon didn’t back down. It was known to both that he couldn’t kill the Higher Power, and the Higher Power couldn’t kill the Grim Reaper. The balance would be altered, and the world would end. “I’d suggest that you stop reanimating the dead. It’s illegal and the punishment is death—according to laws you created. And I’d also suggest you get to the point of your uninvited visit. We’re busy people.”
Fake Tom Hanks turned a bright red. It looked like he might have a heart attack. However, the Higher Power had no heart, metaphorically speaking. Fake Tom Hanks’ jaw worked furiously. He didn’t like being backtalked. Too bad, so sad. This needed to be over. I wasn’t sure how much longer my baby would stay behind me.
“I will make a trade,” It said.
“Gettin’ bored, shart stain,” Candy Vargo commented. “Loved you inSleepless in Seattle, but this here performance is kinda stale.”
“I will take Richard Smith,” Fake Tom Hanks ground out. “If you give me Richard Smith, I will leave the girl child alone. I will never go after her again.”
“Who in the actual fuck is Richard Smith?” Candy Vargo demanded.
I was pretty sure she was fully back in the cussing Candy Vargo mode and leaving the poop-word free Candy Vargo behind.
