Jennifer walked over to the kitchen table, took a seat and let her forehead hit the table with a thud. From that position, she continued to speak. “Most of what y’all said sounded like gobbledygook to me. Not real sure who thought it was a good idea to put a gal loaded down with Botox, fillers, breast implants, too many ex-husbands to count, and a possible drinking problem in charge of the whole shebang.”
Shitty Ritchie hopped up onto the table, straddled Jennifer’s head and patted her like she was a dog. “You’re not alone. I,Shitty Ritchie, will show you the way! It will be fun to…” He petered off and paled considerably.
“What?” I asked, alarmed.
“Fucknuts!” he shrieked. “I want to live in Georgia with my friends.”
Alana Catherine removed Shitty Ritchie from Jennifer’s head and held him like a baby. “You do live in Georgia now.”
“Not what Shitty Ritchie is talking about,” he insisted. “Do we have to live on that terrible plane? The Higher Power’s fucking plane? I HATE that place. Gives me hives and gas and nightmares.”
My daughter glanced over at me with a worried expression. She’d been to the Higher Power’s plane with Gram and me. It wasn’t a place I would want to hang my hat. It was a maze of terror. A metaphorical drunk marching band started fist-fighting in my stomach. I looked at Heather in alarm. Heather’s gaze shot to Tim. Tim looked like he was about to puke. He quickly turned to Gideon. Gideon looked to Charlie. Charlie shrugged and turned his attention to Candy Vargo. She was the Keeper of Fate, after all.
“Why are y’all lookin’ at me?” she grunted.
“You’re the Keeper of Fate,” I reminded her.
She flipped me off. “Fate ain’t set. It can change with a person’s decisions. Destiny is set. Where the fuck they wanna live is up to them.”
“Excellent,” Shitty Ritchie screamed so loud I almost drop-kicked him. It was too early in the morning to lose my hearing.
“Let’s use our indoor voice,” I suggested. “Otherwise, you’re going to lose an appendage.”
“Not to worry,” he assured me. “Shitty Ritchie likes his appendages. Especially his dong! I have yet to place it in a cavity. It’s so thrilling that I’m going to live around people. Finding a girlfriend is at the top of my list. Or possibly fivegirlfriends. Or ten! I have to make up for lost time. Even though I’ve never fornicated, I am positive that I have the stamina to satisfy fifty females! I am SHITTY RITCHIE!”
“Holy fuck,” Candy Vargo grunted, snapping her fingers. The randy idiot went flying out of Alana Catherine’s arms and into the sub-zero fridge with a sickening thud. “I’ve had enough of you, shit stain. You’ve got the morals of a vagina that just gave birth to a full-grown Sasquatch. If you keep up that kinda talk, I’m gonna wiggle my fingers and make you take a shit with your pants on. Am I clear?”
“Abundantly,” Shitty Ritchie said, hopping to his feet and doing a few jazz squares.
Charlie, wanting to get back on track, sat down next to Jennifer. She peeked up at him and gave him a weak smile. They’d been friends for a long time in human terms. She and June had been close for decades.
“I know all of this is difficult to understand,” he said kindly. “It’s difficult for us to understand as well. For millions of years, we’ve been guided and overseen by the Higher Power. The very same entity who tried to end you because you, Alana Catherine and Shitty Ritchie are the future. It, like many of us who live forever, seems to have lost Its way. Others have broken under the stress of existing until the end of time—Clarissa and Zadkiel, to name two. They became drunk with power and narcissism. What’s important to know is that you will not be alone.”
Jennifer clenched her fists then released them. She did it three times before she blew out a long slow breath. “Are we God?”
Her question didn’t surprise me. I’d had so many when I’d become Immortal. Confused as all get out would be an understatement. Honestly, I was still confused about the ins and outs. Jennifer and I hadn’t lived for even a hundred years yet. Hearing and digesting what people older than dirt knew tobe true was insane. Parsing it out in my brain was what I had to do to handle the information. If I didn’t, I’d be in a ball on the ground rocking and babbling.
Candy Vargo jumped in. “It’s not that black and white. Religion and deities are more of a concept than a reality. Heaven and Hell are concepts as well.” Jennifer stared at her blankly. Candy kept going. “Good and evil can’t exist without the other. There ain’t no comedy without tragedy. What the world needs is balance. Without it, the end will come. That’s where the present Higher Power fucked up. It broke laws that It had created to keep the world in balance. That’s a fucker of a mistake on Tom Hank’s part.”
“What about the bible?” Jennifer asked, bewildered.
Candy sighed. “Consider the bible, which was written by humans, to be a guide book of how to be a good fuckin’ person… mostly.”
“So, none of it is true?” she asked. “Not that I’m a real religious gal, but…”
Candy handed her a box of toothpicks. Jennifer took out five and chomped down.
“Whether it’s true or not true is irrelevant,” Candy shared. “If the words and practices of any religion give you some fuckin’ solace, then have at it. All of the man-made religions have pros and cons. However, you can be an outstanding example of humanity by simply being kind. You already got that shit covered, Jennifer.”
The Keeper of Fate was correct. Jennifer was kind, fair and treated everyone well—not a mean bone in her body.
“Well, bless my pea-pickin’ little heart,” Jennifer said with a strained laugh. “This is just… just… well, I’m not real sure what it is.”
Charlie spoke up. “You have support. Not only do you have Alana Catherine and Richard Smith, but…”
Jennifer’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “Who in tarnation is Richard Smith?”
“Me,” Shitty Ritchie volunteered.
