There’s no delighted surprise, only confusion, and this already feels like a horrible mistake. I thought I was so smart with my little five-minute trick, but it’s prevented me from thinking through what would happen when I landed here. If I’d thought about it at all, I would have known it was a bad idea.
“Hi!” I say, and my hello is too cheery, too forced. It alarms Emily, who physically recoils. Even before the Big Fallout, it had been months since we’d seen each other in person. By now, it’s been several years. It was a gamble coming back to this house, but I knew owning it greatly increased the chances of her staying put.
“Nat, it’s been…What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”
“Yes. Yeah.”Be normal, Natalie. “I just…I had a bit of a day and was in the area. Started thinking about you, I guess. I wondered if you might be free for a coffee or something.”
“A coffee?” Her urge to check her smartwatch is so strong it’s almost visible, but she manages to refrain, wrist just twitching. She takes in the unhinged eyes I’m trying to hide and the slight tremor in my voice. “Coffee…That, um…That sounds good. Come in.”
The door yawns wider as she lets me in, and I see she’s in her pajamas already. Guilt needles at me. Her slippers make a soothing shushing sound as she shuffles into the corridor, ushering me in. Her living room sits on the left, lights dark and booming sounds coming from within.
“We were just watching a movie,” she explains.
I poke my head in, and a handsome brown face looks back at me, confused. Her boyfriend. Must be. I withdraw and look back at Emily.
“Oh god, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have just turned up like this. I’ll just—”
“Don’t be silly.” She pops her head into the living room doorway.“Ash, you remember I told you about my friend Natalie? The one from school?”
Confusion morphs into alarm. I shudder to think what she’s said about me. Still, he does his best to sweep the concern away. Gets up, approaches with a warm smile. He has kind eyes. “Hi. Ash. Nice to meet you.”
We shake hands and I almost laugh at the formality of it.
“We’re just going to grab a hot drink,” Emily says. “Fancy a tea?”
“Nah, I’m all right,” Ash says. He casts a look at Emily before he sits. “Just let me know if you need anything from me, yeah?”
I follow Emily to the back of the house and down some stairs, landing in a bright and airy kitchen, a pretty kitchen island in the middle of it. The space is a little busy, but it’s nice, homier than when I was last there and she was renting out the rooms to old uni friends. Certainly miles nicer than the place I was in before I lived with James.
A pang of guilt arrives with that thought. I have to wonder if I’ve turned a blind eye to what now seems so obvious about him for that reason. For the comfort he provides.
“Why don’t you grab a stool?” Emily suggests, palm outstretched to a tall chair pushed against the island.
Of course. It’s not normal to just stand stock-still in the middle of a kitchen, eyes glazed. I do as I’m told.
We’re a little quiet as she busies herself with the kettle and mugs, taking a few moments with her phone while she waits for the kettle to boil.
“I’m thinking maybe tea would be better at this time,” she says. “Or decaf?”
“You choose, I’m not fussed.”
Before long, Emily is plonking herself onto a stool beside me, bigmugs of something faintly fruity and herbal steaming in front of both of us. I take a sip. I imagine it’s meant to be calming.
“Not that I’m not happy to see you, but I’m surprised you’re here,” Emily says. “Do you want to start by telling me about this day you’ve had, then?”
I go to open my mouth and choke on the words. Despair begins to take hold of me as I realize how futile this is. I’ve come all the way here, but I can’t tell her about anything. Tears spring from my eyes. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I’m here.
Emily’s shoulders hitch up and her eyes scan the room. There’s kitchen roll within arm’s reach and she grabs it, tearing off a sheet and shoving it into my hands.
“Nat, what’s going on?”
“It’s just…” What can I say? “Things aren’t great, I guess.”
Her brow wrinkles. “What do you mean?”
“I mean…”
As I rummage through the clutter of my mind for safe words, Emily begins to assemble an image in her own.
